Puck — February 19, 1879 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. 1G PUCK’S HISTORY OF OIRELAND. (Compiled fro the Posthumous Notes of the late Professor \ Damwis MeBatt rwnacx, o MarwooTu.) “i CHAPTER I. BOUT the-year 1494 the world, or one side of it, at least, went wild because two years before a Skipper from the Mediterranean had gone out and discovered America. This so excited a gentleman in Rome, by name the Hon. S.T. Patrick, that he at on t his back up and forthwith discovered Oire- id. It has been often, and perhaps wisely said, that it had been better for the world if S. T. Patrick had discovered something else, and had peminted Oireland to remain wrapped up in own mists until the crack of doom. But, begorra, this was not to be, and in the year above mentioned S, T. Patrick first PUT HIS FOOT ON OIRISH SOIL. At this time the Oirish, although not Chris- tianized, as they eventually became in so emi- nent a degree, were still practicing the scrip- -tural law to increase and multiply, which noble duty they continue down to these modern times, until, as Dr, Felix Shillelagh has well said, «There is not a country in the wurruld where yez'll not find an Oirishman!” The natives at that period were little more than barbarians and wore one strange garment only, which de- nded below the waist behindbut not before. ike other old habits, these old clo’ still are treasured by the modern Oirish, and may be seen on them at their gatherings at the Tam- many Balls, where they are denominated “dress coats,” “ claw-hammers,” “‘steel-pens,” and by such other Anglicized names. The Oirish had a*reason for wearing these peculiarly cut gaberdines, which is explained by the learned Prof. Darwin, Ph.D., A.SS. He says: ‘The ancient Faynians had an elonga- tion of the spinal column, which protruded to such a degree that when they sat down on the bog around a turf fire, they punctured little holes in the ground; and—"" But we forbear! Suffice it to say that the ould Oirish had reason to wear their coat-tails, as well as their tails behind ‘em. In such a miserable community Hon. S. T. Patrick saw at once that some kind of a Boss was needed; he therefore issued a Proclamation setting himself up as the King-Pin; but as at that period the printers were out ‘sorts, they had no periods, so he came before the Oirish public as Sr. Patrick—and as such has gone down to posterity—of which it is said he had none, personally. Like all great men, he had a Song and Dance named after and dedicated to him, entitled, “Ss. Patrick’s Day in the maarrnin’.”” This can be heard around the habitable globe on the 17th of March, annually, It is sweet when done on bag-pipes; but it conveys terror saith soul when played with beer by a German The Oirish soil’ at that time was excessively snaky. St, Patrick, not being aten-cent Chatham Street Showman of Monstrosities, determined to exterminate the varmint. And this is HOW ST. PATRICK BULLDOZED THE VIPERS, He opened bottles of rale ould Oirish potheen, and then the smell of the crathur coaxed the snakes inside—as was natural. The Hon.S.T. Patrick then re-corked the bottles and exported them, at great profit, to the Black-Hills, Mem- phis, and ogher localities, where they bred the deadly Bowie, the re-echoing revolver, and stood god-father to Judge Lynch, In point of fact, no man ever drinks Oirish whisky now without ‘‘ seeing snakes.” It is said that it was a toss-up in St. Patrick’s mind whether he should banish the natives or the snakes. Be this true or not, it isa fact that he did banish the reptiles and retained the natives; and ‘he never smiled again.” We now proceed to the record of the first Era in Oireland’s development. WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN ON A “LARK,” Where is the dog ? ‘The best remedy is a hair of the dog that bit you. THE THEATRES. The Arion Ball will not only be the biggest ball of the season, but the biggest entertain- ment that has ever been given since Belshazzar saw that illuminated poster—which he mistook for Horace Greeley’s handwriting in a fit— in his dining room. Bigness is a grand quality when it is combined with the acme of artistic taste, and the Arion and its management have long’ ago reached that enviable goal. Go, young man; go, young woman; go everybody from the word go. Puck has said it, and he knows. Fietu AvENvE THEATRE—“ Pinafore.” Very nicely got up. -Max> Maretzek, washerwoman- inchief This laundry deserves patronage— although we don’t think that First Lords of the Admiralty indulge in crimson velvet swallow- tails. Corelli is pretty and sweet, and Ida Foy fresh and vivacious, It may not be generally known that there is a very good play at the Union Square called “The Banker's Daughter.” All bankers’ daugh- ters should rush to see it, as well as those who are not bankers’ daughters, and especially those daughters who wish their fa thers were bankers, Sons are included under this head. Mr. Edgar, at the Broapway, no longer smothers Desdemona and ‘‘dies on a kiss""—by the way, a pretty slim support for the opera- tion, for Gilbert and Sullivan’s “Sorcerer” now flourishes. It likes us well, especially the tea- pot business. May it long prove a sorcerer re- muneration to our friends Messrs, Edgar and Fulton. Inimitable John Owens is succeeded by Gil- bert’s comedy, ‘‘ Engaged,” at the Park, We shall notice. it in our next. Our pressman won't wait this time. ENGLISH JOKE. (By cable to Puck, from London Paragraphers’ Association. Mr. Goodyear, the eminent American india- rubber manufacturer, is dead. This will have been a bad year for Goodyear. We must try to rubber along without him. We have received a copy of the American Journal of Microscopy, and are rejoiced to learn, apropos of Diatomacez, that the Aste- romphalus or asterolampra is identical with the asterolampra variabilis. We have had our sus- picions of this for some time past, though we kept them to ourselves. But that one species of the triceratum should have irregular poly- gonal cellulution instead of the regular hexa- gonal article is, we must confess, a little bit of newers Hor the Aurions. Hasevtine.—Here she is. (FRavDULENT) HaseLtive.—‘ Who is the author of the lines — he wooed her As the Lion wooes his bride.” ? ‘They occur in Copenhagen’s “Maid with the Milking. Pail,” published in London in the twelfth century; and they were stolen by that disreputable old litétrateur from Saxo Grammaticus. ‘They have also been attributed to Shakspere, There is no charge for this; but if you choose to set them up, we will take what you do, PoLYyANTHUs.—Is your winter poem intended to apply to this or next snow-season? Because if you want us to use it this year, you will have to get it back and take out the “virgin purity ” and the “dazzling whiteness,” and the comparisons with bosoms ‘and lilies, and tone it down to slush-color, if you go in for any sort of realistic effect. comicbooks.com