Puck — February 12, 1879 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. No, 13 Nortit WILLIAM StRzzT, New Yorx. FOR SALE BY ALL NEWS DEALERS. Terms To Sunscripers. +H. C, BUNNER: SPECIAL NOTICES. * Pucx 1s on Sale in London, at the News Agency of BM HENRY F. GILLIG & CO. fd? Strand, Charing Cr at THE WILLMER & ROGERS NEWS COMPANY, verie Street, Fleet Street. We cannot undertake to return rejected communications, and to this rule we can make no exception. Remittances by Money Order, etc., are to be to Kerrier & SCHWARZMANN. ‘@a- Our advertising friends are only required to pay bills presented on the billheads of Puce, with our stamp. nurxessaD thereon, KEPPLER & SCHWARZ MANN. Purchaser: of one or more copies of Puck remitting sums under $1.00 are requested to send the amount in postage stamps rather than in fractional currency. ite “ adc PUCK’S PANTHEON ‘opens Its doors this week to Mr.S. J. Tilden, Other notabiliti ile lmmortaleed hereafter, Co) ace Omer setablitis CONTENTS. A Valentine for Grant. A Column of Correspondents. After the Battle. Serenade (poem).—C. C. S. Mr. ins Teaches School. “Of One Mind"’—For Once— lus. PUCK'S QUESTIONS, ‘The Theatres. Frranoonts ix Aumrica,—No, LXXV. Presentation to Mr. Keppler. At the Masquerede—illus “Charity”* s Re are the Pinafore. Pear Pawruton, No.1. J. Another Sufferer from Dishonest Bank Offcials—ills. A Little Mistake. Fiat Wisdom —Elllis M. Clarke. A VALENTINE FOR GRANT. ee Gay little deity who presides over the Axswrns rox rae Anxious. AGghanistan—illus, The Body of a Bankrupt. icx's EXCHANGES, happy and prosperous fortunes of this journal is not on terms of intimacy with the gorgeous Shepherd or the tarry Robeson; and these two bull-dogs in the gate-way to Grant have prevented Puck, therefore, from being on familiar terms with the ex-President. Therefore, we should never be guilty of the boldness of personally addressing U.S. G. were it not that in this blessed month of February the holy St. Valentine grants us the indulgence to do so without violating any of the proprieties. So we send out our missive along the shores of the Eastern seas among Khans, and Ameers, and Tycoons, and Rajahs, sure that in the end it will reach the hands of the hero of Appo- mattox, We think that our wandering Ulysses will appreciate the kindly suggestion and take the hint conveyed to him on our first page. Like that most wretched horloge de mon gran’ pére, he has “stopped+ short—never-to go again.” One good term deserved another, and U.S. G. got it; but one bad second term didn’t deserve a third, so U.S. G. didn’t get it. There was, if we can make ourselves understood, too much Whiskey Ring about his administration; there was too much Belknavery and cheating about Pesptatenbips to make the White House ealthy; there was the sewer-gas of the late Attorney-General. Williams permeating the Cabinet Chamber, and the stench of Babcock alone made it ‘necessary to cleanse the Execu- tive Mansion. The eyes of the American people glared at the festive Shepherd and the isky Robeson. And even wished that they— the eyes—were basilisks to strike them dead— those very heavy-fingered gentry who walked off with the pavements of Washington and the Navy of the United States in their pockets. Grant, wisely, got out of the storm. He kept quiet until it blew over, and now Rumor, with her thousand tongues, proclaims that he pro- To run for a third term. Conkling (Grantite) is back. Cameron (Grantite) is back. Carpenter (Grantite) is back. Jack Logan (Grantite) is back, And Zach Chandler is on the road! If Mr. Grant only knew the shiver which crept along the backbone of the nation when some of the above gentleman were returned to the Senate, he would as soon think of taking a step-ladder to crawl up a moonbeam as to try and reach the White House again. He is obstinate, however, is Grant—malish. A mule typifies Grantism, It should be ashamed of its ancestry, and, thank God, it can hope for no posterity. As Grant wouldn’t take our hint and become King of Bulgaria, we hope he'll come home and live a retired—a very retired life, somewhere where whiskey grows and cigars sprout out from bushes, and Army Officers, with nothing to do, are plenty. But as for the Third Term, let him remember that Grantism is played out. Tick! one term—Tick, tock—two terms, And the thing's stopped—never to go again, For the ‘old man’? ’s politically dead! AFTER THE BATILE. T’S no funeral of ours. The politicians may bury each other, and pile Pelions upon Ossas over their remains; but it ¢s funny when the President exhibits, after weeks of trading and dickering and canoodling, such a “dead give-away” as Mr. Hayes has done in the recent N. Y. Custom House imbroglio. As is 20 to 13 so is the fact that the Presi- dent has presented to the nation the funny picture of the Executive being opposed by his own party, and supported by his opponents, The fin of the matter is that Mr. Hayes him- self was the boss-engineer of this very mortify- ing spectacle, which was successfully manipu- lated by Mr. John Sherman. And yet they re- joiced over it; they skipped like young lambs; yea, they clapped their hands and were glad. It is said, at the Cabinet meeting after the defeat of Conkling, that Mr. Evarts kissed John Sherman; and that Uncle Dick Thomp- son squirmed in a passionate embrace with P.M. G, Key. And that General Devens stood up ona sofa, flapped his arms and crowed as if he were a rooster, is a matter of history. Even Hayes offered to suck a prepared orange, if they'd make it mild and put no nutmeg in it; and it is known that Private-Secretary Rogers choked himself purple while giggling with joy at the key-hole. And the result of it all is that the Repub- licans won’t rally ‘round the President, and that the Democratic support is only to be had when purchased. But there is one lesson to be learned from these shilly-shally politicians who occupy the places of the Statesmen of the past. Conkling sees that Mr. Hayes is a bigger man, with his executive power, than he thought; and Hayes, like the little nig. who having eaten a water- melon without internal pains, thought he could go on eating them forever—Hayes, we say, having gobbled up Conkling once, thinks he can go on gobbling him up ad infinitum. Perhaps he could if he had his party to back him. But no Republican President can try this game on with Democratic votes. Very soon, like the little nig. he will be doubled up. He laughs best who laughs last. Both being alive, in the year 1881, Mr. Conk- ling will be a power in the U. S. Senate; while Mr. Hayes will rest in that coldest and dreariest of all places—that Tomb of the Capulets—in which are buried out of sight and out of mem- ory the ex-Presidents of the United States. Parkerings. In hog siggo vinces—the motto of Cincin- nati, ‘Tue field young men should cultivate for the acquisition of polite manners and good breed- ing—Chesterfield. We wish some philanthropist could induce our barber to believe that quinine is better than onions for dumb chills. THE last vessel of the Papal navy, the ‘Im- maculate Conception,” has been sold. What is a Holy See without ships? Ir language was invented to hide thoughts, most of our Congressmen might just as well have been born deaf mutes. ‘Tue friends of Tilden are so anxious to skin alive the cipher dispatches, that they don’t pro- pose to leave a particle of Pelt-on the “nephew of his uncle.” Ir you would have at least one appreciative auditor, select from the company a young fellow with a handsome set of teeth as the direct recipient of all your vilest jokes. HE put his arms around her waist And swore an awful swore, And as he jerked it off again He said, I've felt that Pin-afore. Spewt it Ziederkranz, and pronounce it the other way. Aud when you go to the Leeder Kranz, ‘Take along with you your sisters and your cousins and your aunts. To THosE of our funny friends whose Pegasus of humor is clipped by political faith and handi- capped by pledge to party, we offer the assur- ances of our distinguished commiseration, the while we run our pen and pencil through frauds of every ilk, and never care a Dem, or a Rep. Bur it must be horribly aggravating, after lying awake half the night concocting a poli- tical squib, cute and cutting, to realize the next morning the sad fact that the shores of imagina- tion and exaggeration afford no harness by which the joke could possibly be hitched on to the opposition party. ® Preasant! Ten cents car-fare; one cent fee; advertised letter; bill from washer-woman; out in country; doing up white linen suit. Oh, yes! remember! two weeks vacation; pic-nic; sat down—down—soft—yielding—damp—wet —dish black-berries— delightful! Oh, yes! Ha! Ha! MARQUIS OF LORNE ON PUCK. “Do you never read Puck?” “No, never.” ‘What, never?” “No, never.” “What, never?” “No, never—and I think it extremely on- gentlemanly on your part to ask so many ques- tions.” ivotice. No. 9 (issue of May 7th, 1877), No. 14 (isrue of Fume 4th, 1877), No. 26 (issue of September sth, 1877), ond No. 56 (issue of April zrd 1878) of ** Puck” will be bought at this office, No. 13 North William Street, at 25 Cts. per copy, Nos 82, 84 and 85 will be bought at full price. comicbooks.com