Puck — February 5, 1879 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. 7 PUCK AND THE PEDESTRIAN. HE announcement that Miss Annie Bartell was about to attempt a little promenade of 3000 quarter miles in 3000 quarter hours, attracted Puck's attention at the begin- ning of last week; and, ever anxious to keep abreast of the news of the day, he determined to present his readers with a detailed account of the match in this week's issue. But the best- laid plans of mice and men and Puck's gang aft agley; and this one ganged a-gley. in the most exasperating fashion. Seven several.separate and distinct reporters did Puck send up to give an accuunt of Miss Annie Bartell’s wanderings around a 18825 foot track in the Brewster Building; and seven several separate and distinct reports did they bring back, of seven several separate and dis- tinct varieties of unavailable cussedness, We do not wish to make any unkind insinua- tions; but it strikes us—strikes us hard—that the managers of Miss Annie Bartell are too liberal in their treatment of the members of the press. Newspaper men should not, as a rule, be treated to anything stronger than lager. ‘This Puck is going to make the rule of the office hereafter. Anyone trying to corrupt a reporter with champagne or sherry will receive a bad notice. It will, however, be held per- missible to assail the reporter's virtue with lager or spruce-beer. THE FIRST REPORTER was sent up, a bright, blooming, innocent youth, early on Monday evening. He came back at 12 o'clock with his tie under his leftear and his eye in a fire frenzy rolling, and with the some- what irrelevant remark ‘Set ‘em up agin,” handed in the following: “The Fast Pacer,” started on her race against time at six sharp, this evening, going in double harness with Zhe pper as running mate, She struck a 2:40 pace at’ the'starting and kept this up, with a slight break on the back-stretch, and dusted around the turn like a house afire. Here she got her pace and came down the home-stretch with a fine, steady, clock-work action; passing under the string in 3:1734. ‘This was not quite as good time as was expected; but for a first heat it was very satisfactory, and in the course of the zgy9 remaining heats she will undoubtedly shake out something better. ‘Ihe Westchester Favorite” is a ‘bay filly, about 14 hands high; heaviry built, but with clean action, and a high'stepper. Her pedigree— But here Puck cut the reporter's copy and detailed 6 THE SECOND REPORTER for Tuesday. This was the second reporter's report: Miss Bartell stepped up to the table with graceful briskness, and sent the ivories waltzing up the cloth in truly artistic style. ‘Then she got them together in a corner, and nursed them with such effect as to score 215 before coming down the other side, Here for a mo- ment it seemed as if the ivories were frozen; but it was a false alarm, and she came off with a glorious run of 327, finishing with a splendid massé shot and slipping up on a kiss— Here the reporter went out on a splendid mass¢ shot and slipped up,on something that wasn’t a kiss. ‘THE THIRD REPORTER went up on Wednesday, remained all day, and came in with something which he said was a “marsherpiece.” ‘To the soft accompaniment of his intermittent hiccough, Puck read: Miss Annie Bartell, a neat-built craft, but rather heavy about the bows, and scarcely sheer enough, gave way at 12 M. sharp, yester- day. She struck out vigorously, pulling 45 to the minute, and exhibiting a very fine re- coyery. Her steering was excellent, and the |- competing craft, 7ime, had to take her wash before she was half around the course. She came in three lengths ahead, clear water, on the finish, making the circle in 3:1634. But the time that reporter made out of the office was considerably better than 3:1634. THE FOURTH REPORTER tried his hand at it on Thursday. specimen of his handiwork: Miss Annie Bartell came to the bat at noon, and made a home-run on two daisy cutters— _Just here.the reporter made A‘s home-run, with no short-stop to it, an: gave place to THE FIFTH REPORTER, who gave this account of Friday's work: Miss Bartell played a trump out of a strong hand, and held the lead on Time straight through, taking every trick out of the seven. She appeared capable of holding fifty-two cards to the suit every time, and apparently is play- ing off a rubber deck. The little joker came in at the end in 3:49, and she turned in ready for a new deal at 12:3:50, like a little man— Then there was more disturbance in the office, and another reporter in the basement inquiring how he got there. [N, B.—(Especially addressed to spring poets): —The editorial rooms of Puck are in the seventh story—no elevator, except the editorial one, which is elegantly constructed of leather.] ‘Then Puck called up THE SIXTH REPORTER, and dispatched him to the corner of 14th Street and Fifth Avenue, with a charge to keep —sober. He got back at 1:30 a.m.,Sunday, with this: Miss Annie Bartell came up smiling for the 456th round, and tapped ‘Time's claret. First blood: claimed and allowed, Then she took the old gentleman one in the tater-trap. By this time her antagonist was getting rather groggy, and after a good deal of fibbing she closed his left peeper. After this she had the round all to herself, and Time was severely punished during the next minute. ‘Towards the close of the round she got in some fine work with her left, and ‘Time's backer threw up the sponge at 3:57: ‘ Having got in this much fine work, the re- porter went out to look for a sponge. THE SEVENTH (AND LAST) REPORTER left the office on Sunday morning with a gentle admonition from Puck. He said he didn’t want to go, that reporter; that his Sunday-school class was waiting for him; and that they would miss him at. prayer-meeting. But he went all the same, and‘turned -up at midnight, looking tolerably happy, circumstances considered. He had his report ready, and here it is: ‘The Reverend Miss Bartell entered the pulpit on Sunday morning, and delivered a most edi- fying discourse, taking as her text Genesis V: 22. She elaborated the subject with great skill, bring- ing out all the hidden meaning of the subject, and emphasizing the necessity of a godly and upright walk in life. And the young man went bagk to his Bible- class. Puck regrets excessively that he has been unable to carry out his original intention of giving a full and trustworthy report of this great pedeStrian feat; but he trusts that his readers will understand how it happened. ‘There are now seven estimable young jour- nalists out of employment. While he has no further use for their services, Puck can cordially recommend them as capable and respectable journalists, although not men qualified to cope with unlimited quantities of gratuitous cham- pagne. They are: 1 Horse Connaisseur, 1 Billiard Reporter. 1 Aquatic Reporter, 1 Base-ball Reporter. 1 Little tin Hoyle on wheels, 1 Pugilistic Amateur. 1 Talmage Reporter. This is a FITZNOODLE IN AMERICA. LXXIV, SOME AMERICAN MANNERS AND CUSTOMS, Ya-as, two or thwee or maw Amer- wican peculiarwi- ties, towhich I have not befaw weferwed, have wecently been aw bwought to my notice. I nevah noticed anything wemarkable in these particular mat- tahs, only since I have become aw a little maw Amerwicanized—a fellaw cawnt help taking a little maw interwest in what's going on arwound him, It isn’t, ye know, a pwopah thing to take the wemotest degwee of notice of a generwal invi- tation, I aw nevah do, nor do any fellaws who have gwaduated in bweeding. 4 Jack says, although I don’t think it’s exactly orwiginal, a g-g-generwal invitation is no invi- tation, If people in Gweat Bwitain weally want to wevel in my company, or in any othah fellaw’s, they must wequest him to come to dinnah, or to stay with them at their countwy house, or send him a card faw an at home, or to particularwize an evening when they will be aw able to weceive him; but among the majorwity of fashionable Amerwicans—you see they're poor pwimitive cweatures—it is aw verwy differwent. A gyurl, or even a marwied woman, will fwe- quently say to aw stwangers like Jack and me: “* Aw come and see us,”’ just as if we were beasts in the Wevelations. ‘‘ We're verwy often at home, and shall always be pleased to see you.” 1 invarwiably said aw “thanks,” and, of course, entirely diswegarded the wemarks, Some fellaws, howevah, told me that in Amerwica it wouldn't be impwopah to pay one’s wespects to some people on a generwal invitation, In severwal instances I have twied the stwange cus‘om with a curwious wesult, Aw I wecollect calling on the family of some bwokah fellaw—aftah dinnah, ye know, is the fashion he-ah, Quite s large, wespectable bwown-stone house the .neighborwhcod of Fifth Avenue. It seemed wathah dark fwom. the stweet, but I wung the bell, and aftah waiting faw a perwiod of two minutes the door was opened by a female servant with her bonnet on, apparwently just going out. Mrs. Bwownjones was at home, but in her woom; didn’t know where Mr. Bwownjones was, but one of the Misses Bwownjones would pwobably sce me. She did; although she took ten minutes to do so—dwessing I suppose. In the meantime the female slavey lit the gas in the wathah hand- somely furnished dwawing woom. ~ Miss Jones talked on varwious subjects, and then asked me if I’d dwink a glass of ice-watah, Isaid, ‘No aw, thanks, nevah dwink ice watah.”” Soon aftah I took my leave, and Miss Wosie Jones hoped I would c-c-call again. ‘This is a specimen bwick of a visit in Amer- wica, At home, ye know, the weception rooms among the same class of people with the same means would always be bwight and cheerful durwing the season; the family, or some of them, at any wate, would pwobably be sitting wound a table, and although a fellaw ware! wants anything to eat or dwink he Could * if he liked, some bwandy and watah, or“! or clarwet, and perwhaps othah wefr aw, comicbooks.com