Puck — February 5, 1879 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. 3 BOTH OF ’EM! HE Democratic Ass and the cute Repub- lican Fox have both got it—‘ which his name it was” Brady. There has been great crowing for many months past over the discoveries of certain Democratic telegrams in cipher which went hither and thither during the heated days fol- lowing the recent Presidential election, the publication of which nearly reduced the Demo- cratic leaders to political ciphers themselves. ‘The Republicans tossed up their hats in exulta- tion; they cried ‘Ha, ha!” They greeted each other with the American hand-shake; and gazed lovingly at cach other through the glass sacred to the straight and potent bourbon. Ay! Even the pop of the champagne cork was heard in the land; and such was the utter pros- tration of the Democracy that sack-cloth and ashes-went up in the market, and were quoted from $4 to 13 higher than ever before. When Congress met, the jovial Republicans shook with suppressed mirth, like jelly, in their comfortable seats, in anticipation of the con- tinuation of the Potter-inquiry. It didn’t come —and here was political capital! The Demo- crats were afraid to pursue the investigation! ‘They felt that—then, like a flash of lightning out of a clear sky, the Democrats called up the full and thorough prosecution of the whole matter, and—Heaven help us!—we have had it. But the fun of the thing lies in the fact that the Republicans are not so jolly to-day, and that their crow has fallen into a very hoarse and lugubrious croak. In other words, if the Democratic Ass’s tail is pulled almost beyond the point of endurance, and hangs on merely by a hair, asit were, the 'cute Republican Fox is shorn of his tail—and what is a tailless fox? ‘As in Samson's locks lay his strength, so Rey- nard’s glory is his brush, Alas, poor foxy Re- publicans, your tail is cut off in your prime by a cipher telegram. And all on account of Brady! O, Brady, Brady, why didn’t you keep shady? Why did you remain at home as a 2- Ass-P, M. General, when you might have had the mission to Patagonia and been nobly out of the way when Investigating Committees sent out their subpoenas on foraging expeditions? Or why didn’t you perjure your soul when on the witness-seat and save your party? ‘There areplenty of precedents for it in Church as well as State. Ask Beecher or Schuyler Colfax if there are not. But out of evil cometh good. Thissnake n the grass of trading political trickery bids fair not only to be scotched, but killed. There will be many political graves filled before this investigation is concluded, and the late Mr. Colfax will have many a companion in that bourne of demagogues from which no traveler returns, Before the ides of November many a man who has felt the inherent right of an (American) sovereign to fatten at the public crib, will find that the places which once knew him will know him no more, forever. Well, well! It is no funeral of ours. In fact, in this, we are Irish and appreciate the funeral. There's such a lot of fun in it. It’s the jolliest wake seen in this country for many a year. And when the next Presidential election oc- curs we think the leaders of both parties will learn a lesson from the éclaircissements of in- quiries now going on, and resort less to trickery and cipher dispatches. But if they should make use of these latter, it is not to be doubted that they will act like other pirates and order the recipients to “ sink, burn and destroy” them, Puck is fond of the Democratic party, and he admires the Republican party. Puck de- sires the Republican party to have success in every State in the Union, and he hopes the Democracy may flap its triumphant wings all over the land. But he is very glad to see the Democratic Ass and the ‘cute Republican Fox with their tails caught in a trap. PUCK’S ESSENTIAL OIL OF CONGRESS, WastincTon, Jan. 28th, 1879. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, Chinese Immigration, Mr, Wius having been sent to Congress by the Democratic Kentuckians, wanted the bill to keep Chinamen at home passed at once. He wouldn’t have taken charge of the measure, but as the Chinese didn’t drink enough Blue Grass Whiskey to suit him, he was obliged to. Mr. Townsenp had a sort of affection for all descendants of Adam. He believed the Chinese were descendants of that gentleman who belonged to the first family of the world. Then why should they be objected to on the score of respectability? St. Patrick was the patron saint of Democrats. Had it not been for him, Republicans would have had it all their own way in the House and everywhere else. Mr. Wittis thought that nobody minded Americans breaking laws, much less treaties. What was a treaty, anyhow? And as for the Burlingame one, it didn’t suit him at all; con- sequently, in his estimation, it didn’t exist. MR, Puck, the independent member of New York, protested against the passage of this bill. ‘The Chinese were no especial favorites of his; but, at the same time, so long as we kept up diplomatic relations with their government and carried on trade with their country, we were bound to accord to them the same privileges as they accorded to us. ‘he bill was uncon- stitutional, and entirely opposed to the spirit of American institutions. Suppose the Chinese were to refuse to allow Americans to land on their shores, and stopped our tea, silk and fire- crackers! what would our old maids do for amusement, and our small-boys on the Fourth of July? 72 members agreed with Mr. Puck and 155 didn’t. So the bill passed the House. Now look out, masters of vessels from China to 'Frisco; for if a Chinese lady gives birth to a baby, and there are already fifteen of the nationality aboard, the little almond-eyed crea- ture must walk the plank. PUCK’S QUESTIONS. Our columns are so crowded this week that we are unable to find room for any of the nu- merous answers sent in to Puck's Questions. Next week the communications of the success- ful competitors will be published, and the prizes duly awarded. For a detailed list of these munificent rewards of diligence, we refer the reader to our issues of two and three weeks ago, They range from $0.50 to two copies of the Christian Union. To win these differing distinctions there is but one more weck left. We have to acknowledge receipt of answers, since our last, from Mic-Mac; Bologna; V. V. V.; Percy Pelletier; J. M. McDonough; Caryatid; Pyx; King Charles; Finnegan Wakely; Cotton; Bay State, Boston; Chandler; L. U. Baylis; Add. Myrer; G. F. G.; Calliope; Millie S. T.; Marcus S.; 3 Constant Readers; White Duck; Annie; Annie King; Postulant; The Trio; Bayswater Billycock; Sam Fipper; G. P. Rice; George and Georgina; Fish; and Q. Q. Clarke. THE WALKING MANIA. re craze for pedestrianism is really no- thing new under the sun. People have been for years walking into each others’ affections; walking off with other people’s money; and walking past their neighbors in the great race of life. But of latter years, especially since Mr. E. P. Weston lost all his walking matches; and Mr. O'Leary won all his; and Mme. Anderson sang and spouted and walked her 27 million miles in the Lord knows how many centi- grammes of a’ second, the world—id est, the English and American worlds— have been at- tacked with a sort of heel-and-toe insanity which bids fair to surpass any of those wild vagaries for which these two stolid English speaking nations have been famous. We have gone mad for religions’ sake; we have ruined ourselves for danseuses; we have killed each other for asmall political difference of opinion; we have made fiends or asses of ourselves, as the case may be, on all sorts of pleas, but we have reached the pinnacle, so it seems to Puck, when the walking mania seizes us, Why do we want to walk? Haven't we got horse-cars, and omnibuses and elevated rail- roads? Haven't we got hacks and cabs, if we are rich? And if we want to go to Oshkosh or Yaphank, are there not emigrant trains on surface railways? Certainly. ‘Then why should man, or woman, walk? Besides, it is un-Ameri- can. The grand principle of American Liberty is Equality, that one man isas good as another, and better. Now, under these circumstances every man should be allowed his place in life. ‘The man of means should ride in his four-in- hand coach or his horse-car according to his means: but he shouldn’t walk. ‘That privilege belongs to the man without means, the Tramp —who can't ride. And yet, since O'Leary and the Anderson, we are all walking. Grass will soon grow over the “L” roads and Macaulay’s New Zealander will come to mourn over the ruins of a noble enterprise. Kettledrums have given way to walking matches; and Miss Flora McFlimsey has nothing to wear but trunks and broad-soled- boots—for she is in training for a six days’ walk. Where Mrs. Leo Hunter formerly called the Lions of Art, Literature and Music to her con- versaziones, she now coddles O'Leary, Hughes, the “Lepper” and Sport Campana. The good fellow who thought to give cousin May a pretty pearl ring now reflects—and_ gives the female walkiste a diamond necklace, The groom skilled in horse-flesh finds his occupation gone, unless he can adapt himself to the female form divine, and, discovering the possibilities of the female leg, become a trainer to the mistress who would rather walk for fame on two legs, than ride for ease on four. But the worst phase in this mania is that they all walk in circles. Though they leave us at one moment and we pleasantly gaze at their backs, in another instant they round to us again and meet us face to face. Why don’t they go off in a straight line, and keep right on? ‘That would be something like walking. Even then they would be walking in, or on, a circle, for the world is round. How many men would put up money, to see their mothers-in- law and their tailors walk a straight-a-way heel-and-toe stretch around the world! No matter who lost or won, a fellow could be happy in the meantime. And—but just here, 4 diable comes in and walks off with our copy. ‘Tue Excise Commissioners have struck Coyle, He was Owney Geoghegan’s landlord, and th struck him in a tender spot by revokin: license. e comicbooks.com