Puck — February 5, 1879 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. no complaining, Your love I'll ne'er doubt. While slyly you pout Your mother comes out— wne.se if its raining: ile slyly you pout Tlaow no complaining. Il,.—A WOMAN SPEAKS, Don't squeeze me that way, ‘You insolent sinner! Now hear what I say, Don't squeeze me that way!” Remember, I pray. Tve just had my dinner! Don’t squeeze me that way, You insolent sinner! IIL—ONE YEAR AFTER, The East's all aglow ‘With rosy streaks brindled; The crocuses blow, The East’s all aglow; Get up, I say, Jo, The fire is not kindled! The East's all aglow With rosy streaks brindled. 1V.—WINE. This sparkling amber wine, ‘This shimmering, subtle sherry, Lifts one to divine, realms Doth sparkling amber wine, Yet makes him head the line That moves to the cemetery, This sparkling amber wine, This shimmering, subtle sherry. V.—CASSANDRA FAGAN'S ULTIMATUM. Now don’t! or I'll scream; Mama's in the basement! You'll kiss me, you dream; ‘Now don't! of I'll scream— ?Twould just be supreme Were it nbt for the casement! Now don't! of I'll scream; ‘Mama's inthe basement! y \ OR, Kj Munxrrtricx. TALMAGE!!! SERMONIZING BXTRAORDINARY! 1,000, Quarter’ Sermons In 1,000 t, Quarter Hours, . THE TEXTS, PUCK'S SPECIAL REPORT. ; The Reverend Manager Talmage is to ‘be cordially congratulated for the’ inexhaustible brilliancy and variety of his sensations, by which he never fails to secure a large attend- ance at Brooklyn’s noble temple of amuse- ment, the “ Tabernacle.” The secret of Manager ‘Talmage'’s success as a showman lies in his invariably taking advan- tage of the reigning sensation, or of any event which excites more than an ordinary amount of public interest. PEDESTRIANISM now being all the rage, Manager Talmage has taken this branch of athletics as the keynote for his latest attraction. Following the example of Mr. George Edgar at the Broadway Theatre, Manager Talmage Yecame : HIS OWN STAR; as he. scarcely thought it would be con- with his dignity to walk any long: dis- “sidés laying himself open tothe charge derson and Miss Annie Bartell, he resolved upon preaching 1,000 quarter sermons in 1,000 CONSECUTIVE QUARTER HOURS, Mess, Evarts and Henry Ward Beecher acted as his trainers; and the fine condition in which they brought their man up to the scratch re- flects infinite credit on the skill and judgment of these gentlemen. ‘The reverend manager appeared on the Tabernacle pulpit track at noon precisely, ac- companied by several ladies. ~ + HIS COSTUME was a.marvel of grace and elegance. It con- sisted’ of a fantastically-shaped parti-colored cap, to which were attached a number of small bells. He wore a tunic of a similar pattern and flesh-colored tights. His face was well chalked, and there were two red patches of rouge on his cheeks. Altogether, about Man- er Talmage’s dress there was nothing to in- dicate his holy occupation. COLONEL ROBERT INGERSOLL acted as umpire and Rutherford B. Hayes and Samuel J. Tilden as timekeepers. Time being called, the reverend athlete mounted the pul- pit.and commenced his first quarter sermon, taking as his text, from Deuteronomy vit. 3, «Man doth not live by bread only.” In four minutes he had fully expounded the subject; showing that butter, paté de foie gras, buck- wheat cakes, rye whisky and rock candy were in- dispensable trimmingsto bread. Hethenturned a double somersault, and retired amidst tre- mendous enthusiasm. His trainers were on hand, and after rubbing him down and admin- istering stimulants, he rested, and when the bell rung mounted the pulpit in lively style for HIS IND QUARTER SERMON, Job xix. 20, “1 am escaped with the skin of my teeth” was the text. He (Talmage) did not agree with Mr. Job. But Mr. Job may not have said so. The job-printing in those days was not always to be depended on, and Mr. Job may not have meant what he said. The application was obvious; for when he (Manager Talmage) visited the questionable resorts in the Sodom and Gomorrah of America, New York, he only escaped from the temptations of that infamous city by the “skin of his teeth.” Time, 3 minutes, 45 and three-quarter seconds, including a ‘leap for life” from the ladder suspended from the proscenium, 350 QUARTER SERMONS Swere cleanly done, each within four minutes and a half, which allowed ampletime~for the holy athlete to lie off and on and rest and be thankful." Among the, texts of the fractional discourses were the following: ‘I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last." — Rev, xxu.13. The reverend sermonist thought this one especially fitted his own career and influence. ‘The tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil.” —James 1.8. “Blessed is the man that endureth temptation; for when he is tried he shall receive the crown of life.”—James 1. 12. “Be not forgetful to entertain strangers."— Hebrews xin. 2. “ Busybodies, speaking things which they ought not.”—Tim. v. 23. “Study to be quiet."—Thessalonians 1v, 11. “ Lewd fellows of the baser sort.”—Acts xvi. 5._ ‘Let us do evil that good may come.” —Rom. 11. 8. “There is no truth in him.” —John vin. 44. “If the blind lead the blind, both shall fall into the ditch.”—Matt. xv. 14. (The same would apply to. the drunk leading the drunk, and gutter would sup- ply the place of ditch.) At the 945TH QUARTER SERMON the reverend gentleman showed considerable signs of fatigue, but. on Mr. Evarts administer- ing to him one of the world-renowned Buck- ingham cocktails, he mounted his pulpit smiling, and roared forth the text, ‘* Pull for the shore, Mehitabel xix.—to the lively strains of Mr. Arbuckle’s cornet, He pointed out in language, clothed with florid imagery, that if brothers, and for that matter sisters, too, didn’t pull for the shore, when they wanted to get ashore, the shore wouldn't come to them, But he excepted the shore of New York city, which was the abode of the abominable. ‘THE LAST QUARTER SERMON, to.the air of the ‘Mulligan Guards,” was de- livered within.four minutes’ time. Amidst im- mense enthusiasm, the reverend sermonist mace an extra lap of peroration, although still throw- ing his usual somersault with great agility. The following is a verbation report of the last quarter sermon: ‘‘And the Lord said unto Esau’—I shall not tell you, brethren, where my text is to be found —search the scriptures, What was it that he said? Neither shall I tell you this, search the scriptures even if you have to search right through the Buckingham. There are men in this congregation who are going down to a godless grave because they have never searched the scriptures; but the scriptures will search them. They stand on the brink of a moral Niagara, the whirlpool yawns below them, ‘The cesspool yawns above them. Sooner or later they will be a big stake in one of those pools. And oh, my brethren, the Devil always holds a full hand! But an infidel press"—here the bell rang, and the reverend manager having been carefully rubbed down and put to bed, the great feat in sermony became a matter of his- tory. THE THEATRES. ‘The play of “Lear,” in which Mr. George Edgar is performing the title réle at the Broap- way, is not well calculated to interest modern audiences, The fact is, Lear is not a character who excites respect. He is a bad business man, Before assigning his property to his daughters, he ought to have exacted collateral security. If he couldn’t hold them in bonds of reverence and affection, he ought to have, held them in state bonds, Besides, he talked too much with his mouth. He had a great deal to say on every occasion; and he was not always choice in his conversation when in the presence of ladies. Then all his meteorological circus— going out in the storm, and getting himself thundered and lightninged and rained on, is only a barefaced” advertisement of the chest- protector business. Altogether, he was a man whose chin fairly yearned for the oblivious wipe of taciturnity. But whatever good points the old gentleman had, Mr. Edgar brings out with a great deal of skill. ‘He makes him quite a respectable and agreeable old buffer. Mr. Edgar is well supported by Miss Marie Gordon, as Cordelia, and Mr. Joseph Wheelock, as Edgar; and Mr. Frank Pierce plays Kent with a realism that must re- mind every man in the audience of a deputy sheriff, Answeys for the Anrions, Hasevtine.—Take her, young man, she’s yourn. CrowreeT—A man who rhymes “Gideon” and “accordion” is a man better qualified for the gallows than for the columns of Puck. 1 Erxcutxs.—Too early, too early! The first spring poet will not be due for six weeks yet. You are a too precocious flower; and if you pat forth your tender head in this indiscreet way, you will be apt to get nipped. Slide back into obscurity for a while, and receive the ‘Ainitating the feats of Madame‘An-|-brothers, and that’s what’s the matter.”——Eldad + beartfett thanks of the editor. ia comicbooks.com