Puck — January 22, 1879 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE DICTATOR AS A POET. We have the honor to acknowledge receipt of the following communication and enclosures from Mr. George Francis ‘l'rain: G. F. T. TO P. Mapison Square, P. E., 49. Citisen Editor Puck: As Puck's naked Truth makes me blush when taking liberties with me (and through Psychologic Affinity per- sists in Pucking me!) I send him this Evolutionary Epi- m on my rise to Fame! | (Through Fourteen Jails), Tt discounts Hood! Thackeray! Lemun! Mayhew! Leach! Jerold! and Tom Taylor in its absolute Truth! (As Puck throws all other Comic Journals in the shade in its bold words and exquisite satire!) If not long enough it will be before you get another.—G. F. T. From, the accompanying collection of epi- grams, about a yard and a half in length, we gather that Mr. ‘Train has been giving a strictly private entertainment, for the benefit of a few privileged friends, and that, swayed by better and more generous impulses, he has since deter- mined, to give the fruits of his genius to the world, through the medium of Puck. Yet while we heartily sympathize with Mr. Train in his desire to add to the general stock of happiness, the mere fact that the peculiar structure of this paper precludes our enlarging its space by the addition of a bow-window, an extension room, and a circus-tent, will unques- tionably prevent our publishing’ Mr. Train's entire assortment of epigrams. If we were Webster's Dictionary or the New York City Directory, we should be happy to do so; but we are not. We have room only to thank Mr, Train for the highly artistic and flattering way in which he has introduced Puck to his audience, and to express a sincere regret that Puck was not on hand to return the compliment. ‘ The show (Mr. Train does not say where it took place) began with the reading of the fol- lowing autobiographical epigram, which the author appears to have been determined should be received with an outburst of popular en- thusiasm: THE FIRE CRACKER CLAQUE. Mr. Train continued: ‘When I go back sume forty years, My mind js full of schoolboy cheers. Listen! It will make you roar, I never told the tale before. From berries, presents, traps and snares, And planting cucumbers on shares, I won one Summer highest rank, With twenty dollars in Savings Bank ! When my cousin asked me to go, Cornwallis day, to see the show, Like Schell and Darling, you see, Ttook my Savings Bank with me! [Laughter and applause from Puck Depositors, who had lost their all in the Twenty failed Savings Banks in New York!) No wonder I got an audience, The Chinese crackers cost ten cents; The boys were wild to see me spend All my fortune to make a noise! A noise that made the welkin rend ‘With cheers that only come from boys! But this was faine, my heart's desire, To set the country all afire! The dollars flew! bunch after bunch, Till I had nothing left for lunch! And thus, alas! my savings gain Vanished in air in cheers for Train! An old jack-knife all covered with rust (Imagine my grandmother's disgust?) Was all the assets of the bank, And I too biga boy to spank! [Applause.] Ob, how I gloried to hear my name George Francis Train! George Francis Train! ‘Twenty dollars spend on Concord plain! The wealthy Train! The patriot Train! Cider and gingerbread won the game, ‘That bought my first degree of Fame! [Loud laughter and applause.) [As is my custom when handing my speeches to the reporters, take notice, I mark where the laughter and applause comes in—in order to assist the readers of Puck in finding the Point!—G. F. T. __ ““My dear Mrs. Jones, what puzzles me is why children nowadays are so strangely subject | J to diphtheria.” After recounting this touching incident, Mr. Train explains the before-mentioned popular outburst by adding: THE “LOUD CHEER” FRAUD, At public meetings it was the same, How sweet the cheers that greeted Train! Abuse me, praise me—no matter what, But do not let me be forgot! In speeches, time and ume again, I marked where the applause came in! I did it as a freak of mind, To help the reader the points to find: (Loud applause) from first to last, As the electric sparks flew past! (Great excitement!) (Continued cheers!) (Three cheers for Train!) and (Loud applause!) (Intense sensation!) when moved to tears, (Loud laughter!) at some funny clause! ‘Then, having casually remarked— a + You cannot tame This manly frame—George Francis Train!” which shows a bold and defiant spirit, not un- mixed with a certain disregard for the laws of rhyme, he proceeds: ‘ “MY BUNGHOLE REPUTATION. This confession I make to you, This story that I tell is true, The burdgn I bore I found so great, T could not, dare not, longer wait! Would Schuyler Colfax falsify Or Beecher stoop to tell a lie? ‘Would Count Joannes prevaricate, Or Eli Perkins falsehood state? {Laughter.] Do women who have a fainting fit, Know they're playing the hypocrite? When shedding tears when maidens cry, And men sometimes, Do they all lie? When hollering out loud my name, In barrel bunghole when a child, The echo of Geo. Francis Train Came booming through the forest wild, Geo, Francis Train! Geo. Francis Train! For miles I hear ’way o'er the plain, Geo. Francis Train! ‘That noble name So known to fame, Geo. Francis Train! (Loud cheers from Puck’s Hundred ‘Thousand Laughers, Mr. Train improvising a bunghole out of his hat and acting out the incident with wonderful force!)"” Then he mentions the fact that ‘no one ever called him dad: ‘They only said he must be mad!” This we are happy to learn. The announcement that no one ever called Mr. Train a‘‘bad man,” oroffered to strike him with a feather, revives our faith in human nature. Next Mr. Train warmed up his audience with a brief but eloquent outburst: Geo. Francis Train! Keep up the cry, three cheers for 7rain! Dictator of the broad domain! The living man! Three cheers again! Three rousing cheers! Geo. Francis Train! [Loud cheering, as Puck's audience never seemed to tire of hearing the name as he acted the scene.] . This being done, the Dictator, figuratively speaking, humped himself for one grand climax calculated to raise the enthusiasm of his audi- tors to the highest pitch (several degrees above high C), and it is with this exquisite inorceau that he took them into camp: MAD AMBITION’S DREAMS! Poisoned by ambition’s canker, I wanted to Casabianca Some Flagship! or Excelsior Some mountain top! Not liking war, It seemed to me the thing to go And die somewhere in Alpine snow! , But if no paper was published there, My life would end in wild despair! ‘That dazzling Sun of Austerlitz, Filled me up with glory’s fits, And so affected my demeanor, 1 wished to die at St. Helena! (Applause. To be buried like Sir John Moore Where not a drum was heard to roar! On Hobenlinden some Campbell crowd, Where Red Artillery bellowed aloud! (Applause.) Aibition mad, I thought I burst To Cromwellize some Charles the First! Or show the world what I could do By Wellington-izing Waterloo! (Loud applause.) Could I but Brutus Julius Caesar, How that would raise my Ebenezer! (Laughter.) ‘And hankered for some Ephesian dome, ‘To burn and send through Telephone That noble name, Geo. Francis Train! Loud cheers for Train! Geo. Francis Train. You cannot tame a man like Train! He's not insane! He'salways game! ‘That live man Train! Shows up the stain On New York Press! Once more agai ‘THREE CHEERS FOR TRAIN! George Francis Train! (Excited cheers from the whole Puck Army on two con- tinents.) Altogether, the entertainment must have been a very enjoyable one, replete with beauti- ful moral iessons, and well suited to dry the tears of the bereaved and afflicted; stimulate the lofty aspirations of the young, and draw soothing tears from a cast-iron crowbar. When Mr. Train gives another like it, we trust he will not fail to extend an invitation to Puck. = comicbooks.com