Puck — January 8, 1879 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. 13 AN OLD SONG WITH NEW WORDS. There was a young woman of Worcester, She petted an old Shanghai rorcester} When asked what indorcester, To fondle the rorcester, She blushed, for the question conforcester. But with scorn and with slight he aborcester, With cold disregard he refurcester. He laughed at her charms, And fled from her arms, And roamed about just as he orcester. —Burlington Hawkeye. “To cure his tools of rust, you know,” Said a sparkling bon-mot shaper, « The mechanic thinks it worth his while To use some emery paper;”” Then taking his memorandum book, He said, with a quick review, “In a case of menial rust, 1 use Some memory paper, too.” "Yonkers Gazette, “Anal [have it now,” he cried, As he caught a fluttering bir 15 “Const tell me what ’s the difference 'Twixt this and a tune you've heard?” “Why, one,” he whispered sweet and low, “One is a bird in the hand, And t’ other, you must surely know, Is often heard in tie band.” —Hackensack Republican, Dear Gold Premium, thou hast perished, Kicked the bucket, hopped the twig, But thy fame will long be cherished, For thou ‘st run a lively rig. Gone to meet its Par. —Boston Daily Advertiser. 'Twas late! He toftuously climbed the stair, A whited image waited at its head, A tell-tale flavor | oated on the air, “Otard-y man!” and that was all she said. Didn't she let him down easy? — Yonker’s Gaselte. I wave a new joke from Colonel Bob Inger soll. 1 met him this morning and greeted him as my father-confessor. He told me that while in Chicago recently, astiff-necked Presbyterian called on him for the purpose of getting into a religious discussion. Several gentlemen were present when the Presbyterian accosted him. “You are a bishop, I understand,” said the visitor. “ Yes, sir,” answered Ingersoll, “And can forgive sin?” asked the Presby- terian, “Yes, sir,” returned the infidel, “Could you forgive my sins?” “Certainly,” said Ingersu.]; ‘I'll forgive your sins for $1, and I'li bet it will be the nastiest job ever undertaken for money."— Washington Correspondence of the Philadelphia Times, “Are you engaged?” said a gentleman to a young lady from Marysville, at a ball the other evening. “1 was, but if that Pete Johnson thinks I'm going to sit here and see him squeeze that freckled-faced Wilkins girl's hand ail the eve- ning, he'll be ‘mistaken, solitaire or no soli- taire!” . ‘The gentleman explained, and went out to get air.—S. F, Newsielter, Tue Denver Journal of Commerce says that when newspaper men in that city get intoa di pute, they do not resort to blows, but go to the nearest saloon and shake dice to see which is the biggest liar. ‘This is an honest confes- sion, at least from one of their number,—Adbany Anus. To the ladies of Canada—‘ Pull up your vests."— Toronto Globe. (G. W.) Cuitps play—nominating Grant for 1880.— Wheeling Leader. THE man who marries Clara Louise Kellogg will have a good dear for music.— Cin. Sat. Night. Mr. Buc Has is a resident of Kentucky. That is the worst kind we ever heard of. —V. A. Register. Linen dusters dyed black do not deceive men who know what good overcoats are, They are too thin.—. O. Picayune. Grant wants his son Fred to travel with him. Fred is to whip the foreign reporters who call pa drunk when he is only boozy.— Phila, Kron- thle- Herald, Bop says that one of the mistakes of Moses was in not browsing around in search of a champagne rock before he did his smiting — Yonkers Gazette. ‘Tue girl of the period perfects her form and stays so.—Puck. While the man of the period perfects his love for rum and stays just s0-so.— Kronikle- Herald. Sour Arrica proof-readers die young. ‘The last one succumbed to the description of a fight between: the Unabelinjiji and Amaswazezizi tribes.—, ¥. Com. Adv. Reat diamonds are always cold. So is a dog's nose. You can tell them by touching them to your tongue. The—of course—dia- monds.— Rochester Express. Tue Albany Zimes believes that many fe- males live single for the want of an offer of marriage. ‘There is no further use for Martin ‘Tupper.—-Detroit Free Press. ‘Tue distressing news has been received at the navy department that during a recent gale off Cape Hatteras, the United States navy lost its bowsprit.—Burlington Hawkeye. Now is your time to lay in your next year's supply of gold. It will never be any cheaper. —Albany Argus, We've done it; got a tooth stuffed on Saturday.—. ¥. Com. Adv. A MEDICAL journal discusses the power of the hand. Everything depends upon it, every- thing. 1f a man has a weak hand he might as well—but this is soo easy.— Oil City Derrick. “Don't ask me whether the Widow Oliver wears striped stockings,” indignantly remarks Simon Cameron. ‘ How in the thunder am I to know whether she does or not?” — Piila, Kronikle-Herald, “How old are you, sissy?” said a Boston car-conductor recently to a little girl who was trying to ride for half fare, ‘Nine at home, sir, but on the cars only six,” was the ready reply.—Albany Argus. ‘Tue lover of the period is gradually improv- ing. He no longer shoots his sweetheart, but —if shooting is absolutely necessary, and it generally is—shoots hiaself or his sweetheart’s papa.— Buffalo Express. ‘THe young man who will turn up his nose at cabbage in connection with corned beef ata cheap restaurant, will consume it with effusion in the guise of pure Havana cigars—three for ten cents.— Union City Times. We know a little four-year-old that thinks every time the usher hands a note to the preacher of a Sunday, it is some tardy comer's “regret” for being late at service. Perhaps it wouldn't be a bad fashion.—W. 1. Register. Speaxinc of dull times, a wicked Mobile man says that a few weeks ago a stranger ar- rived there and bought a bale of cotton, and a leasant rumor at once started that the cotton- uyer had arrived; but it only proved to bea Chicago man with the ear-ache.—Cin. Sat. Curistas was such a windy, blustering day that a great many wicked young men were out to see what the young ladies had in their stock- ings.— Wicked old man of the Com. Bull.—WeN let that pass with the bare quotation.—Boston Post. Nature may haye intended man to drink water. It looks that way from the fact that she will freeze up the water-pipes on the slightest occasion and neyer meddle with a barrel of whisky, when she can help it.— Detroit Free Press, A FIVE-CENT cigar, with a good draught and an enterprising youth attached to the tail end of it, will load the immediate atmosphere w:th a fragrance that discounts a bone yard or a boot-factory that burns its own scraps.—S, /, Newsletter, Lrttte Laura was tired and sleepy on Christmas night, when she went to bed, and forgot to say her ‘ Now I lay me.” “ T touldn’t go to Heaven to-night, mamma,” said she, as her mother was pulling off her little stockings, “Why not, darling?” “ Tos I’m too tired."— Rochester Express. Curistmas poetry is getting worse and worse, We very much fear that such subjects as the birth of Christ does not awake to ecstasy the living lyre of the average poet, to the same ex- tent that does the birth of a jaundiced dande- lion in a cow-pasture.—Oil City Derrick, Wuen young Jerry stuffed the old man’s to- bacco-box with a wad of old combings the other evening, and the ancient perched himself in the gloaming and loaded his jaw for an evening chew, the family prayers were dispensed with, and the bed-slat became intimate with the boy without any mattress accompaniment.— Yon- kers Gazette, A youn colored citizen in Milledgeville, Georgia, very properly shot his father the other day, because the latter refused to lend the son a mule “to go to a funeral and have some fun with the gals.” It is high time that fathers should understand the position they occupy in the family circle, and cramp down accordingly, —S. F, Newsleiter. A CATERPILLAR, attired in his winter ulster, was overtaken by a gentleman on Franklin street, yesterday afternoon. Other caterpil- lars have been seen, recently, by other gentle- men about the city, Mosquitos are also plen- tiful, and if we could only call back the flies we should be enjoying most of the luxuries of summer.— Norwich Bulletin, Cotonet Frep. Grant has unlimited Teave of absence to go to see his papa in Europe, Perhaps he is to be prince of Bulgaria, His father would make a splendid king—of Bul- garia—and we wish they may both stay there, ‘The price of whiskey will certainly fall over here if the principle of supply and demand be not a delusion. — Washington Capital, Mr. Croty, late editor of the Graphic, be- ing moved to call Eli Perkins a liar, contents himself with remarking of the said Perkins that “the subjective order of his thought does not correspond with the objective order of the phenomena.” We translate this for the sole benefit of the readiest liar of the nineteenth century.— Philadelphia Kronikle- Herald. ‘Tuer is one lonesome member of congress who prowls about the capital and sighs and mopes around and has no one to talk to except his barber, He is the member who has not been appointed on any investigating committee. ‘There was one man more desolately lonesome than him, however; the member who wasn’t investigated for something. He died about four sessions ago, just two days before sufficien evidence was found to investigate him.— Bur- lington Hawkeye. : comicbooks.com