Puck — January 1, 1879 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

‘ ; 3 PUCK. 13 Roseson is all Puck-ered up this week.— Boston Post. Now then, who ever saw a walking match? —Fulton Times. Wuen a poultry dealer has a turkey that he thinks cannot live until Christmas he kills it for thanksgiving.—V. O. Picayune. Tue Elmira Gazetfe continues to maintain a reputation for veracity, though it has reached volume 11.—Rome Sentinel, Two hundred and nine lawyers in Congress! Good gracious! Is it any wonder they talk of a brief session ?—WV. ¥. Express. Cosine song at the Forefathers' celebration last evening, “And take a pill, and take a pill, and take a pilgrim home.”—J. Y. Com. Adv. Tue world all praze’ the philosophers, but toss their pennies into the caps of the monkeys. —Josh Billings. Mr. Billings is rich.— Graphic. Let a man sit for two years ona barrel ata political corner grocery, and he is apt to think himself good enough to be appointed judge.— NV. O. Picaynne. It is desirable that the United States should be represented at Berlin bya man who will not become limp when Bismarck looks at him.— New York Sun. Tue adoration of golden calves has gone out of fashion, and the average calf-worshiper now raves about those encased in pink silk.—Xeo- kuk Constitution. Tue Atlanta Constitution suggests to the Tribune that its proper procedure against Presi- dent Tilden would be to have him impeached. —Kzokuk Constitution, ‘TALMAGE says he belonged to four clubs. We knew a man to whom four clubs belonged. The other man raked in the pot, as a bob:tail flush don’t count.— Zoledo Commercial. A WESTERN paper wants to know why a woman always sits on the floor to pull on her stockings? We suppose it is simply because she can’t sit on the ceiling. — Mew York News. Ir you haven't’a telephone, and wish to com" municate with some one at a distance, tell it to some gossipper, and it will reach the desired place about as quick.—Danielsonville Sentinel. ALL the shoes now worn by United States soldiers are made in the military prison at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas, by military convicts. This places the army ona convict footing.— WN. O. Picayune. A MaN never keeps a diary long. At the be- ginning of the year he records a vow to swear off. After that there are entries of a few simple drunks, a couple of headaches, and the book closes.—WV. O. Picayune, Tue Yonk-hearse Gazette is far from being a funeral paper.—Loston Commercial Bulletin. The But-/ct-in is not a dangerous sheet.— Bos- ton Post. A Boston fost is a pleasant thing to come in contact with.— Albany Argus. Presipent Haves told “Gath” that he “never yet found a man who would decline an appoint- ment to office.” Ah well, but then the Presi- dent has never tried anybody outside of Ohio. —Un-Burdette like, but Hawkeye paragraph. Wuen a paragrapher gets hard pressed for an item with a good point, he invariably recol- lects that somebody lately sat down upon an upturned carpet tack, a bent pin, or the bus- iness end of a bumble bee.—Aome Seutinel. A pair of drawers—Straws in a lemonade.— Puck. A pair of pants—T'wo dogs after a long chase.—/uiladelphia Chronicle. A pair of slippers—Two eels. A pair of shirts—Carl Schurz and his dog Schneider.—-Boston Post. THE criminal on the gallows who refused to take off his collar for fear of catching cold, now that the hanging is over, would probably like to visit a climate where people sometimes catch cold, just for a change.— Keokuk Consti- tution, Ir requires a good deal of self-possession, while out shopping with ladies, to slip a lot of cold silver change in your pants pocket that has a big hole in it and look cool and uncon- cerned when you feel it sliding down.— Wheel- ing Leader. : Wuen ‘a committee of the Senate comes to Philadelphia to investigate frauds, won’t some one please call their attention to the fact that the barkeepers, in drawing beer, get the glass more than half full of froth?—/iila, Kronikle- Herald. Man may be the noblest work of creation, but he doesn’t think about it, and he doesn’t look at it, when, on hearing his name called in the street, he turns and finds that it is only somebody calling his dog.—Louisville Courier- Journal. AN exchange publishes a receipt for making an ointment, which, if put on the feet will pro- tect them so that a person can stand on a hot stove. A cheaper, and surer way, however, is to use stilts, or wait until the stove gets cold.— Fulton Times, A “CONSTANT READER” writes: “A young lady, the other day, refused to go skating, be- cause she was afraid she might be thought slip- shod.” It is rather early for this sort of thing, but inasmuch as it is ‘on ice’ it will keep.— Norristown Herald. A New Hampsuire man got up to light a lamp and fell down dead. Our readers will bear witness that we have always pointed out that this getting up at night is a man’s wife’s business. Behold the terrible justification of our course!— Catskill Recorder. Cream color, they tell us, is the fashionable evening shade for gloves. And now cream- colored gloves of all shades from yellow-white to pale blue will appear, according to their wearers’ conception of that mythical quantity known as cream.— Boston Transcript. [Frost Edison, New York, to Punch, London, England].—Just discovered a method of light ing a drawing-room by means of the electricity’ generated by a stick of sealing-wax and a tom- cat. Specifications per mail. Keep private. Sell gas shares short.—Americanised London “Ine country should be truly thankful for the holiday adjournment, if for no other reason than it will give Blaine a chance to recoup. ‘The recent Great Effort of this statesman wrenched his faculties so severely that he is still obliged to carry his intellect in a sling.— Oil City Derrick. «Once more upon the breeches’ as the old gentleman remarked, slinging his disobedient offspring over his knee.”—Puck. “You have had your ‘labor for your travail,’ ”’ as the boy re- marked as he removed a couple of old copy books from his seat.— Zosento Observer or Na- tional— Which is it? THE LOVE-LORN MUSIC ‘TEACHER. Her eyes are like the Do, Most beautiful to Si, And tho’ I roam a Fa, There's only one sweet Sof (Such souls immortal Za,) Can bring a blissful Ke Of heav'nly hope to Afi? (Sing!) —St, Lowi.» Times-Journal-Daily-Puck- News- paper. Tue pungent Puck with its gold gilded crayon chronicles of every day ertors, comes to our table brimming over with diamond crus- ted nuggets of Puck’s peculiar paragraphic puns, and “ Puckerings.” Surely Puck's pro- pensity is of a peculiar and pleasing precosity. And the perusal of his pages is a pleasant pas- time.— Claude de Haven, in Court Journal. Wuen a young man calmly assures the ladies at the fair that his conscientious scruples will not permit him to take any chances on the lot- tery plan, the ladies don’t know whether he is playing a nice little game or not, but the young man is confident he has struck a good thing, and smiles cheerfully as he reflects on how much he will save during the week by his in- genious duplicity.— Bridgeport Standard. A MINISTER never feels more discouraged than when, after uniting a couple in the “holy bonds of matrimony,” he opens the neat little envelope handed to him by the departing groom and finds nothing in it but a sheet of paper on which is written, “Sold again!”— Hackensack Republican, PARTRIDGES are among the things that whirr. —Boston Transcript. Yes; and venlilators are among the things that air.—. VY. Graphic. Yes; and hornets are among the things that bee.—Detrott Free Press. Yes; and serpents are among the things that "iss. —V.O. Picayune. And Butler says the gubernatorial chair of Massachusetts is among the things that might have Ben.—Rome Sentinel. On fairy wings Christmas draws near, ‘The air it is bracing and clear; And the youth gay and frisky, Instead of his usual beer, ‘Takes whisky. —Puck, ‘Then shortly will New Year's appear, He swears off whisky and beer; But in three days more time, Gets on his ear, With wine. — Wheeling Leader. ONE MORE UNFORTUNATE, IN SPITE OF THE COLD WEATHER, A YOUNG MAN HURLS IN AN ALPHABETIC CONUNDRUM, A youNc man, who is well known in town, came up to the Bade editorial rooms this morning, his breath all gone, his nose and ears blue with cold, but his eyes aglow with the flame of a new thought that burned in his mas- sive brain, “What's the reason,” he gasped, it that—er. What's the differenc he came to a dead stop, his physical machinery evidently congealed under the terrible rigor of a thermometer 10 degrees below zero. We asked him to take a chair and compose him- self till his mind had time to compose his question and his tongue had thawed out. “Oh, I'm all right now,” he said, ‘1 forgot at first just how the blamed thing started, but you'll say it’s amighty good one when you hear it straight. Why is the letter N like the Repub- lican National Convention in 1880?” We told him that we were exceedingly busy, and that the man in charge of the Conundrum Bureau had left the city for the holidays.. If he would make a careful copy of his conun- drum and leave it with us, with 50 cents in stamps to pay return postage, the matter should have early attention. “Oh, certainly, certainly,” he said, “but for fear he might not get an answer before the Convention is held, I’ll leave him mine. It’s because the letter N makes Ex-President Grant the n-ex’ President.” And the young smiled all over as he wished us “merr’ Christmas,” and hastily bowed him- self out of range of the editorial pastepot.— Zo- ledo Blade, comicbooks.com