Puck — December 11, 1878 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. THE SLAUGHTER OF THE INNOCENTS. WW WW Wi AN INDIGNATION MEETING AT THE ACADEMY. There’s a flutter of fright in the bunch of roses Up in the Opera dressing-rooms, Like a whiff of wind that clouds and closes The tender petals of garden blooms. For Lundberg with legal terrors laden The peace and calm of their days has vext; The babies are gone, and the ballet maiden Of tender years thinks, I may come next.” And with tremulous terrors she feels her pulse stir, Fearing that Comstock the cruel may say That she must éxtinguish herself in an ulster, Or dance in trousers the new ballet. FIAT WISDOM. By « Fiatist. WasuiNGTon never brooded over a lie if he did hatchet. Dentistry ought to be profitable—it’s pretty generally a pa-inful business. Tue Graphic advises people to “ Pay as they go.” Some people do—but they go most awful slow. A Rute that works both ways is not always a good one, since in that case it must be well to do wrong if it is wrong to duel. A younc lady by the name of Spoake was married in Kansas City the other day. She got tired of a felloe and wanted a hub. Oxp King David was using his horoscope one day, and he saw Eli Perkins. So he has- tily concluded— All men are liars.” ‘Tue eastern papers begin to see that “ com- munism doesn’t take.” Possibly so, but com- munists do, and most of ’em take it straight. Tatx about “woman glorying in her hair!” There’s a woman out here in Kansas who is anxious to have her hair come out. She's baldheaded. Senator Piums frequently pears.—Boston Post. But never peaches,—V. ¥. Com, Adv. And his apple-lation indicates his position tow- ards his constituency. “Isn't ita fact,” asks a friend at our elbow, “that a ‘stuck-up’ girl is usually good for nothing?” We pride ourself on our galiantry, but anyhow she’s maiden vain, WHAT GOETH ON AT PRESENT. Anp in these days the small-boy that is of a sanguine and a provident disposition getteth his club-skates into readiness against the freez- ing of the waters. And in like manner the wise undertaker who is also provident and far-seeing, after his kind, getteth ready a small size of children’s extra-mahogany, and ticketeth the same “ very stylish.” And in these days the maiden who hath her eyeona fifty-dollar locket createth for her male cousin a worsted bull-pup with bead eyes and a pen wiper riveted into his tail, and the total cost of that bull-pup shall be seven cents and two mills. And he shall increase and multiply and bring forth fruit a thousandfold about Christmas time. And also in these days do the wise men and tulers of the nation, being gathered together in the Capitol of the land, hold solemn and im- proving counsel upon the woes and the wants of the people. And thereafter, the counsel being finished, they descend into the small room in the basement, and the hireling in charge thereof asketh of them: “ Yea, now, make answer unto me,-O ye wise men and rulers, and say which ye will make it.” And they make answer and say unto him, each ac- cording to his will, either “ Stationery with su- gar,” or “ Fuel, two fingers.” ‘Also at this season the youth who would fain be flush for the holiday season striketh the friend of his bosom for five dollars and in- vesteth in a lottery ticket, and until such time as the drawing thereof shall take place, he dreameth, yea, he dreameth incessantly, and he settleth it solid in his own mind that he will draw the prize of one hundred thousand dollars, And he disposeth of that one hundred thousand dollars before he receiveth it, and he planneth folly and iniquity and those things that bring forth sick headache and the craving for soda- water. And on the morning of the drawing he waketh up and rusheth for the paper, and dis- covereth that the lottery hath been pulled and that the dealer thereof hath fled, and that there is not left of that lottery so much as the office- boy, the same being in Ludlow Street jail. Therefore is there sadness in the heart of the youth, and cursing like cold-cream upon his lips. Now also is the time when the young man, the desire of whose heart is to be like unto an Eng- lishman, goeth forth and attireth himself in a spotted necktie with a horse-shoe pin therein, and a bobtail coat, and round-toed shoes, and one heye-glass, and he seeketh out the tailor who covereth the legs of them that languish in this land, being exiled from Britain, And he speaketh unto the tailor in the tongue of them that walk to and fro on the street called Pell Mell, and which same is spelled Pall Mall. For their tongue is thick, and like as it were made of pudding, and he saith: |“ Lo, now, fashion for me a pair of pants.” But the tailor maketh scornful reponse unto that young man, saying: “Go to, now; knowest thou not that pants is an Hamerican hinstitution? 1 build only for them that wears trousers.” And confusion cov- ereth that young man, as it were, as a garment and an extinguisher, He kissed devotedly the hand that passed him the autograph album, and wrote therein: “1 write my name upon this virgin page. Would I could inscribe it upon the purer scroll of your heart in that invisible ink which shall only appear as the thing upon which it is writ- ten is warmed at the fires of a love that takes no note of time.” ‘That was a year ago. They are married now; and when she asks him for his autograph, in the shape of a goodly-sized check, to liquidate her millinery bill, he grasps that album, or a larger book, ifhandy, and slings it at her head. PUCK'S ESSENTIAL OIL OF CONGRESS. ‘Wasixoton, Dec. 2. The second session of the Forty-fifth Congress commenced operations by the long-lost Vice- President Wheeler turning up and calling the Senate to order. ‘The Rev. Mr. Sunderland gave an awful dose * of prayer, in which he invoked the Divine blessing on everything, especially the yellow fever and the Manhattan Bank robbery. Sen. Harris,a Democrat from Tennessee, who by some mysterious dispensation of Providence didn’t die during the recent scourge, submitted a resolution that yellow fever was a fraud and ought to be investigated. House or REPRESENTATIVES. They had prayer here, too, Chaplain Harrison blessing the job. The President’s Message was read by way of a digester. Mr. Wood, who is supposed to represent New York Democrats, was pleased with -that part of the message that referred to the South- ern States. The South was the dearest, loveli- est, most gentle section of the country, and never gave any trouble to anybody. If there was one man in the world whom he loved more than another, it was the President; and he hoped that noble individual would never be guilty again of saying anything against the sweet South, or he might forfeit his (Mr. Wood's) regard. Mr. Garfield thought the President quite right and Mr. Wood quite wrong. Mr. Townsend made a remark about “cipher telegrams,” SENATE. Dec. 4th. Senator Edmonds gave notice that he in- tended to try and make such alterations in the Revised Statutes of the United States that it would be impossible in future for fraud to be second triumphant in American history, RHYMES OF-THE DAY. Ow fairy wings Christmas draws near, The air it is bracing and clear; And the youth gay and frisky, Instead of his usual beer, Takes whisky. ‘The sex rightly chooses its pals. If you'd be beloved of the “gals,” Smoke cigarettes pure, And don’t defile your Mouth with those vile Caporals. A Lapy named Mary Magui-ah Had trouble in lighting her fi-ah; The wood being green, She used Kerosene.— (Pause. Then continue solemnly.) She has gone where the fuel is dryah. comicbooks.com