Puck — December 11, 1878 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. PUCK. No. 13 North William Street, New York. YOR SALE BY ALL NEWS DEALERS. T=RMS Jo SuBscRIBERS. one year, or 52 numbers or thirteen weeks. Post: SPECIAL NOTICES. Pocx will hereafter be on Sale in London, at the News Sale Agency of Mears. HENRY F. GILLIG & CO.,’ 449, Strand, Charing 8. ‘Americans in Paris, hitherto reduced to ‘Punch."*.““Fun"’ and “Judy.” will now find their natural paper on file at the ““Herald”” Office, 49 Avenue de l’Opéra. We cannot updertake to return rejected communications, and to this rule we can make no exception. Remittances by Money Order, etc., are to be addressed to Kerrier & SCHWARZMANN. ‘a- Our advertising friends are only required to pay bills presented on the billheads of Pucx, with our stamp nernesszo Bereon, KEPPLER & SCHWARZMANN. CONTENTS. ‘The Greatest Show om Earth. | Frrzwoonts m AsmmicaLXVII. A Good Riddance to Bad Rub- | Fashion's Follies—illus. ish. Shop-wi Puckxamcs. ws as a Substitate— ‘The Slaughter of the Innocents ‘To Mary Ann Flaberty—poem, “WB Lindsay” Flat Wisdom. - ‘What Goeth on at Present | Quite the Cheese. ‘Puck's Essaxriat Ou. or Con-| Waste Not, Want Not. ‘Grass, Portrait of ‘Mrs. Hayes—illus, Rhymes of the Da; . ‘The Theatres, Zrom Toagh to Tender—poem =F. Heft. Letter of Tsin-Yang-Hi—allus. Our Insane Asylums. a — poem. —C. C. THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH. Mr. Barnum has probably copyrighted the above title, but we are quite sure the genial showman—isn’t he a genial showman ?—will ~Jend it us for'a little, because the language is too poor to give any other combination of words which so well describes our semi-annual circus at Washington. President Hayes, who séts the show a-going, has told us a great many things in his message that we knew, and some things that we didn’t know. We were aware that the yellow fever shows itself occasionally down South, and that people have been known to die of it—though this is rare. Somebody, too, had anticipated the guileless Rutherford in. reporting that the French had been holding a Centennial in Paris this year—but the rumor, after all, lacks con- firmation, and we're not going to swallow it, even with Hayes’s endorsement. These are some of tHe things that we know— but when he begiris to talk about a navy and Indian cavalry auxiliaries, and Southern out- Tages, we are reluctantly compelled to confess our crass ignorance of such matters, and must decline to consider the message any further. The noble army of legislative martyrs who ‘sacrifice themselves on the altar of patriotism so disinterestedly for the welfare of their un- thankful constituents, are on hand. They wouldn't go willingly, but stern duty calls, and:they must obey. And then perhaps it is better to draw one’s own salary, although filthy lucre is of no consequence when the good of the country is being considered. Puck wonders what Congress intends to do for the good of the country. Is it going to make us all healthy, wealthy and wise? or is Mr. Jay Gould to have any more fun with Union Pacific, or Mr. Thomas Scott to carry out his little railroad games? Mr. Shipbuilder Roach will probably want to have his say about sidies, and there will be others of his If Pucx’s- opinion is worth anything, doesn’t think eabarees is going to kill itself with legislation this time, It would be better if, without a moment's de- s| lay, both houses resolved themselves into one ‘igantic committee of investigation. Let them ‘| investigate everything—the worse the better: Yellow fever, Stewart’s body, Limburger cheese, Jim Keene’s wheat corner, Grant for a third term, the Afghan war, the price of roasted pea- nuts, and Chin Lan Pin, With such as these, with a few solitary in- stances of misappropriation of public funds, and any little ring or other scandal that may be in process of development, there will be no lack of business, which will be vastly more entertaining than prosaic debates on bills that never pass unless substantially lobbied. Investigate by all means, and let commerce and other interests of the country take care of themselves. A GOOD RIDDANCE TO BAD RUBBISH. OW delicious it would be if the ‘love, which the effete dynasties of Europe are known to entertain for America, would lead them to unite in making our own Hiram Ulysses the Boss-King of Bulgaria. This would be a great thing for Ulysses, a huge thing for America, and as for Bulgaria, she don’t count for much, anyhow. It seems to us that this isa programme which, like those of the Variety Theatres, would “give general satisfaction.” Just think of it!—What a soothing balm it would convey to the souls of Messrs. Blaine, Conkling and the horde of Presidential aspi- ‘| rants, to know that old Grant was out of the way—fancy what a delight it would be to Boss Shepherd (who, if accounts are correct, is rather hard up for drinks just now) should be offered the Portfolio of the Bulgarian treasury. And the honest Robeson—what glory would be in his immediate future if he could be Minis- ter of Marine and line the banks of the Danube with another rotten navy. ‘There are outposts in Bulgaria which would afford glorious opportunities to the bearded Belknap. Parson Newman could, as Royal Chaplain to bis Majesty, convert the heathen and christianize the Jew at a salary of his own fixing. While G. Washington Childs, A. M., as Royal Harpist, would sing the obituary praises of those who died under the Parson’s minis- trations, Babcock, Richardson, the Whiskey Ring, and millions of others who are generically known as disciples of Grantism, would fill all the ocean steamships en route for Bulgaria, leaving their country for their country’s good. Thus it seems to us that all hands, both the emigrants for Bulgaria and the stay-at-homes in America, could toss up their hats and sing pzons of jubilation. This is about as safe a way as we know of for |. purifying American politics; and we call upon the Czar, Bismarck and all the high Tom-nod- dies of Europe to secure Grant at once, and put the Royal Bulgarian purple upon him, for he would be, undoubtedly, there, the right man in the right place. To merchants having large shipping interests between here and Europe, we need merely hint how ocean traffic would be stimulated, a man might almost step from bowsprit to stern of the long line of vessels stretching across the Atlantic conveying American whisky to the Court of King Grant—Boss of Bulgaria. Tue Stewart traditions are rigidly adhered to by Judge Hilton, who presented Miss Bishop Littlejohn, on her marriage, with another of those point lace handkerchiefs that the truant dead dry-goods man used to keep on hand for such contingencies, Puckerings. Bored of Education—A lazy school-boy. A PAIR of drawers—Straws in a lemonade. Dire distress—Falling into a vat of cochineal. A PRIMA DONNA is naturally a timid creature, for her art is always in her throat. Sanctus money—Money in the cash-drawer of a religious paper—if there ever is any. A Joxe from Punch is like a marble slab under a pier glass; held up by brackets. Why is an equilateral hyperbola like a loga- rithm? Answer—Be cosecant climb a tree. How Haves must pray that to him the power may be given, like a second Joshua, to com- mand the Sun to stop! “ONCE more upon the breeches,” as the old gentleman remarked, slinging his disobedient offspring over his knee. Micut not one of the Siamese twins appro- priately have said of the other that he was his brother “annexed of kin?” Just imagine the feelings of the man, who, the first day out, comes face to face, on the deck of a European steamer, with the creditor whom he has successfully dodged for the past nine months! ‘Tuere’s many a young man has yielded his seat in a street-car to a young lady, because he feared that if he remained seated much longer, his new pants would be irrecoverably bulged out at the knees, Tue tramp may not be able to square a circle; but only give him the chance, and he'll prove to you that he can get ‘round a square meal with a mathematical completeness that will astound you, Dr. Mary WALKER was arrested for wearing trousers. This is too bad. If we go without these things Comstock finds fault, and if a fell—person wears them, the police object. What is to be done? “NEVER put off until to-morrow,” &c., is an excellent maxim most of the time, but in the name of all the gods at once, don’t breathe it in the presence of the man who has already had his shirt on for eleven days. Tue season for church fairs is fast approach- ing, and we desire all fair-minded men to un- derstand that if they find more than oysters two in their oyster stew, it is some fearful mistake, and they are in all honor bound to return the extra bivalve, “Fencinc has almost ceased to be an ac- complishment among our young men.”—Cin#- cinnati Saturday Night. Ithasnot entirely died out. We caughta young man practicing it about 12 o’glock last night. Her father had locked the gate. Some one has remarked that the disappear- ance of an umbrella is always preceded by barometrical depression. Has the same ob- serving genius noticed that a change from sum- mer to winter underclothing is invariably fol- lowed by a rise in the thermometer?