Puck — December 4, 1878 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

REVISED COOK-BOOK. Sea Bass—A bald-headed trombone-player in a brass band. . Indian Maize—United States troops advanc- ing on Sitting Bull. Hard Bake—Place your pastry in a hot oven and forget all about it. Open Tarts—Insert your knife carefully and lift up the upper crust. Jam Tarts—Place your tarts in the hinge of the door and close briskly. Fried Fillets of Sule—A fish caught in the regions that Bob Ingersoll ignores. -Honey Drops—Place your honey in a cul- lender and watch the effect from beneath. Orange Float—For further particulars con- sult the editorial department of this paper. Irish Stew—Reading the Boston /t/of to your wife; see if she don’t say you're Irish too. Corn Dodger—Husking for red ears to get a kiss, See if you can make the corn dodge her, To Collar Beef—Watch your opportunity, snatch up briskly, and carry home under your coat. . To make Broiled Squab—Pouring hot water on man and wife, who are both clinched to one chair. Preserved Pears—Two couple of a fifty-five years vintage ‘‘sitting alone on the sofa at night.” Sausage Roll—Carry your sausage carefully to the top of the nearest hill and trundle it easily down, Pickled Damsons—The young man that reaches his room at “ five o'clock in the morn- ing,” and sneaks down-stairs after the breakfast is cold. Grape Pie—For the first ingredient visit a menagerie where they have a gray ape, and for the latter a newspaper office that has dropped a form from the third story down to the sub- cellar, SLACK times, as the chunk of lime said to the water.— Keokuk Constitution. Wuen Nat. Goodwin calls his wife Eliza, he roars, “‘ Hic jacet!"”—St. Albans Adv. A cLeaR case of body-snatching—A dog stealing sausage.—Vew Haven Register. “Pur not your trust in kings.” Three aces and a jack will skin them every time.—E/mira Gazelle, Low roosts and dark nights greatly tempt the ungodly to eat boned turkey.— Mew Orleans Picayune, ‘Tue godly people of Brooklyn are agitating the subject of closing ‘Talmage on Sundays.— Boston Post, “Inquirer”: No; Talmage’s sermons are never preserved. Nobody can can can’t.— Graphic. Ir Mr. Stewart only hurries up he may be found as many times as Charlie Ross,— Keokuk Constitution. Ben Butter is still in favor of paper money. He thinks the wad in the gun kills the bird.— N.Y, Herald. Wuen you visit the menagerie and begin lion ‘about the animals, don’t give jackal the bad names.—/, Y. News. In some of our down-town restaurants maca- damized pie-crust seems to be very popular.— N.Y. Herald, Remark of the Paris lady who gave birth to +) a child in a balloon— Where is Mr. Edison’s Neuralgia now?” —Buffalo Express. A MAN always gets worsted in a contest with a woman to make the most surprising present at Christmas,— Fond du Lac Reporter. Some think diptheria is of recent origin, but it isn't. The Baptists have had the dip theory ever since they started.— Cin, Sat. Night. Every man is afmiserable sinner in church, but out of church it is unsafe to say much about it, except to a small man.—Sil/water Lumber- man, “Put no fulsome compliments on my tomb- stone,” said Grandfather Dunshudder this morning. “Don’t give me any epitaphy.”— Utica Observer. O. Kiser is registered at the Merchants.— St. Louis Times-Journal, Please convey to him our kind regards, and ask him if he wants to buy a dog.—Derrick, Senator Davip Davis slipped on a banana- peel the other day, and a small dog that was trotting in his rear was flattened out like a book-mark.— Oi City Derrick. Propasty about the best way to put astop to this grave-robbery business would be, in every case where a grave is rifled, to fill the vacancy promptly with a medical student.— Burlington Hawkeye. ConcressMan SsitH of the Second New Jersey district, having been accused of bigamy, says, significantly: ‘I have a good reputation, and some money to back me.”—New Haven Register, Dan Rice's “ Excelsior,” the white circus horse so dear to our boyhood, has ‘climbed the golden stairs.” He used to go up a flight of wooden ones backwards in the ring.—New Haven Register. A scHooLmaster in New Jersey sends us a poem, entitled “ Lovely Spring,” and asks us, ‘Would $10 be too much for this?” No; $10 wouldn’t be a cent too much. Send along the money.— Graphic. “ PirrspurGH is too religious to allow the horse-cars to run on Sunday to carry people to church, ‘The city is also too religious to pay its debts, and has repudiated its bonds.”— Turner's. Falls Reporter. Tue Keokuk horse that gained his notoriety by eating a grass widow, recently devoured a corn doctor, chased an oats merchant out of the city, and offered to shake hands with the man who had the hay-fever.— Keokuk Const, « Our City editor says the reason Stewart's body was stolen was because he had money on the brain.” We do not know the source of this item, but in all human probability it came from the New York World.— Oil City Derrick. «Be ever ready to acknowledge a favor, says awriter. We are, sir; we are. What troubles us is that on one side we are completely loaded down with readiness, while on the other side opportunity is painfully scarce.—Rome Sentinel, “Do eagles give milk, mother?” asked the boy. ‘No, my son; what made you think so?” “ Because I've heard of the eagle’s scream.” The mother reached for her slipper, but the embryo paragrapher had vanished.—Somerville i Journal. 7 ‘THe Wheeling Leader proposes fencing the Ohio River to keep the milkmen away, and thus have high-water all the year round. Has this fellow no bowels of coinpassion that he suggests taking these poor men's living, and throw them on the coid charity of an unfeeling | World ?—Ohio Valley News. Tue casual acquaintances of “ Mr. Buckskin Bill” will be pleased to learn that that accom- plished shoulder-hitter and admirable pistol- shot was killed at Hollister on Tuesday, This bill ought to have been settled some time ago. S. F. News-Letter. A PoLiceman, who had offered his hand toa young woman and been refused, arrested her and took her to the station-house, ‘ What is the charge against this woman?" asked the Lieutenant. ‘ Resisting an offer, sir,” was the reply. She was discharged and so was the of- ficer.— Cin. Sat. Night. Personat.—Will the young man in a blonde overcoat and a liver-colored hat, who sang “The heart bowed down with grease and hair” out on West Hill, at 1a. .f., please repeat his concert this evening at the same place, and stand a little away from the lamp-post, so the audience can get a good crack at him with a lump of coal, without endangering the pro- perty of the gas company ?—Burlington Hawk- oe. First News Boy—Jimmy, lend me a nickel till Saturday. Second N. B.—Can’t do it. Fact is I haven't got it. Times are most all-fired tight. First N. B.—Must have it, Can't you re- commend me to some one that’s got a little ready money ? Second N. B. (thoughtfully).—Let me sec. Suppose you try Johnny Bull. Our Govern- ment paid him five millions the other dey in clean cash, more money than he ever had. be- fore in his life. —Derrick. __ A CORRESPONDENT takes his pen in hand to inquire, “Why don’t you have folks write for your paper more?” Now that is just what we do want, to have people write more for our paper, We want them to write for the paper to be sent regularly to their address, but we don’t want them to forget to inclose two dol- lars, which is the subscription price for one year —invariably in advance. And our correspon- dent may write for our paper, too, if he feels like it, but let him not neglect the inclosure.— Cin. Saturday Night. CLARA Morris writes to the Dramatic News that her husband only loves her when she plays to“ big houses” and “paying business.” We don’t know that Clara could make Mr, Harriot love her any more, but she could make a much better man of him, if she would hire Christine Nilsson to kick him once or twice a week higher than ever she raised a piano-stool, When aman assumes the position of an only husband, de- pendent upon his wife for support, the immor- tal gods begin to look around for something to smash him with.—Burlington Hawkeye. Tuts column is rarely devoted to advertising businesses, or puffing individuals, but it seems only due to the parties concerned to announce that four recently discharged prisoners from San Quentin, two of whom are brothers, who have hitherto been considered hard cases, have just opened a store on the City Front, and are trying to carn an honest livelihood. The name of the firm is “‘ Sykes, Biffen, Slogg & Co., and they have commenced the manufacture of brass-knuckles, sand-clubs, slung-shot and jim- mies on quite a large scale. The industry is one that has long needed developing in this city, and, when more generally known, will doubtless obtain for itself the patronage of our best burglars and qualified garotters, This thing of sending to New York for a reliable bit and brace is altogether played out, and we earnestly commend the above local industry to the attention of our home: desperadoes, who are being pardoned out in sufficient numbers to make them quite an effective portion of this community during the long, dark winter even- ings.—S. F. News-Letter, comicbooks.com