Puck — November 20, 1878 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

5 SOME SOCIAL FIENDS. VIII. ‘Tue Fienp OF THE SICK-ROOM. Ir the reader of these lines has ever been sick and confined to his house, he knows the Fiend of the Sick-room. ‘This Fiend is sleek, olea- ginous and of a truly moral nature. He dis- satisfies you with your physician ; he excites you with his diagnosis of the real nature of your disease; he frightens you with tales of the mistakes of the entire medical faculty; and horrifies you at the stories he tells of the fatal carelessness with which druggists put up their potions. Then he affords comfort by telling you that he knows the only thing that will bring you a speedy and permanent cure, and he forthwith presents you with a Box of “Blobb’s Universal Pills,” and he won’t leave until you swallow some. Now this would not be beyond human nature to bear if he were the ondy Fiend of the Sick- room, But, alas, his name is Legion! No sooner has the F. of Blubb's Pills departed than in comes another F, who knows your com- plaint thoroughly. What troubles you is fatty degeneration of the liver-bones, and nothing will cure that except ‘“Gander’s Perpetuating Mixture.” And this Fiend won't leave until you have, with much writhing and nausea, swallowed a dose of the Mixture. But then, when the outraged stomach has repelled these things that two Fiends have given it, then comes in Fiend No. 3, who grasps the hand of the patient and finds out suddenly that it is not the bones of the liver that are affected, but merely the brachial flexus of the right-left toe, ‘This can only be cured by a mustard bath, and this Fiend of the Sick-room at once goes out and purchases a pound of Hotter’s Best Fine Ground Mustard, and, putting it in a bath, undresses the sick patient and tosses him therein, A half-hour, thereafter, the invalid, more dead than alive, crawls into his bed, and tries to col- lect his scattered senses to make his will; for he cannot bear this sort of thing much Ib: But then comes in another Fiend of the Sick- room, with many smiles, and many words of | consolation, and earnestly advises his sick friend, if he desires to save hislife, to try the knuckling cure. This he explains; and the wo patient allows himself to be stripp punched wherever he has a bone by the strong knuckles of his friend, At last, moribund, he is lifted into bed, and totally unable to make his wiil he folds his hands and tries to repeat the prayer he learned in childhood at his mother’s kn Soft slum- bers woo him, he gradually glides into a gentle slumber, when - another Fiend of the Sick-room comes 1n, jovially, and arouses the sick man in the sick-room merely to tell him how to get on his legs again, It is simply to use the Great Hydro-Oxydene Douche, which is the only thing which can cure the peritonitis of the eahausted after his Douche the invalid reaches his bed, secures a prize-fighter and a special policeman to guard his door against Sick-room Fiends, and allows his doctor to cure him. FITZNOODLE IN AMERICA. No. LXIV. AN EXHUMED MIL- LIONAIRE, Ya-as, awfully odd, yer know, a gweat many aw dif- ferwent things are happening, and it's averwy difficult thing to chwonicle and wemembah them; but I'll twy what I can do aw. ‘There is quite a considerwable outcwy at the pwesent moment about some fellaw who's had his body aw. dead body, yer know, taken out of his gwave and twansported to some wemote spot in the countwy which no f-fellaw can find out. Some time befaw I visited this countwy, there was a dwapah aw—Irwish—who kept quite a large shop on Bwoadway Strweet. He sold all kinds of arwangements ovah the countah, fwom a needle to an anchah—no, not an anchah; dwapahs don’t sell anchahs—but chest-pwotect- ors, parwasols, umbwellas, hearth-wugs and othah materwials, which in this countwy are but being, like all wich Amerwicans, a vulgar- wian, he still went on keeping a shop, and being verwy mean and miserly in his dealings, and dwiving out of the aw twade a lot of poor devils who also were desirwous of aw selling dwaperwy dwy-goods. He built severwal shops, and a white house to weside in. This is not the same white house as the Pwesident has faw a wesidence. One day he aw died, aad left all his gween- backs to a judge, who, I suppose—and_ Jack agwees with me—had always given decisions in his favah, Amerwican judges often do this sort of thing faw a considerwable numbah of dollahs. This Stewart fellah also left a Hotel faw aw Females, in which no females have evah lived; and anothah Gward Union-Jack lodging house at Sarwatoga, where no Mohammedans or Hin- doos are admitted, The Judge, with all the dollahs, has aw been building an Amerwican Westminster Abbey faw the dead fellaw, and in the interwim had him burwied in an ordinarwy churchyard. Some fellaws have now wun away with the wemains. ‘They did it on a wainy night, when nobody was looking. I wondah what they want with it—perwhaps to send to Madame Tussaud’s. But an Amerwican dead dwapah is not a wemarkable figure in w-wax works. The police and detectives can’t twace the wobbahs, It is nevah considered necessarwy he-ah to arwest such people. Jack says that it would interfere too much with the fweedom and liberty of the subject. Aw Lorne and his wife are, I believe, now widiculously called aw “ dwy-goods,” when they get wet with wain or other watah like or- | dinarwy things. Howevah, this aw dwapah fellaw got verwy | wich, He had been almost a beggah befah; | cwossing the ocean towards Canada. Lorne is wather a corwect sort of fellaw, and is going to be Governah there. I knew him at Eton. Perwhaps Jack and I may pay him a visit verwy soon aw, radicals of the clyliferous vessels. Limp and THE MODEL BANK-DIRECTOR. comicbooks.com