Puck — October 23, 1878 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

LUNAR FEVER. y AH E subscriber humbly suggests that the fol- i) lowing apostrophe was emitted under the &* inspiring rays of a full moon, and it may be inferred that its creator (that’s the speaker) was likewise. © Moon! a high old moon you are; T've scen you before. Many a time and oft have we risen together; But /always Made the cire Glorious orb of night, thy radiant face Beams on all natur Again are you full—I'm pushin’ you clo: ‘The more fuller you are, the more light— ‘The more fuller I get, the darker Doth nature grow. You fill at intervals —my habits are more For I fill every night. When I'm on my first quarter, I feel s0-so;"” When on my second, a st sent down before you— quicker, as it were. ¢ joviality Doth possess itself of me The third quarter develops queer phenomena; Bat a dollar—not the trade-dollar—floors me. Thy fiery flush prosteates me. I seek A compromising shade, and recline—in the 0 Afoon! Mooxt! MOONIE!! Why ain't you out « T notice that you 2 night, hke me? cautious; Threatening weather discourages you. It does me, too. T've been in’es Aad you've b Yet I'm full, Moonie, or try to be. Blame not the bar—(hic—nearly said bard ") It's not their fault. Yet, perhaps I wrong you. cll in the lock-up, n out, maybe, when I was in, joms; They help me ont, sometimes, but too suddeniy, Moonie— Too impromptu like to hasten reform Or equilibrium among terrestial planets, My wife says I’m out too much; But she doesn’t understand astronomy, Moonie. D—rat a woman, anyhow. All night, and nobody to boss around and growl You can stay out Moone — Lectures—regular course—I get at 3 A.M. sharp, Well, you—hic—goin'? Goo—hic—goo—bye—'member me to—er—hi Til ake Ta-ta—tra-lala—hurrah= hi —if you could take in the You'd weep little stars, —boys. o—d-r-o-p. for—hie—hic.” JAD A NEW AND DESERVING CHARITY. : oa) VEN the most casual observer of life in cL& our city must have noticed that there is => a large and constantly increasing class in our community whose condition calls for immediate relief. 1 refer to the indigent and infirm young menwho may be seen at all hours standing upon street corners, disfiguring hotel entrances, and lounging in billiard saloons and about theatre doors, especially at matinées. ‘These unhappy creatures, whose secular disease obliges them to smoke all day, drink all night, and eat and sleep between times, are afflicted with a chronic incapacity for any kind of use- ful occupation, and compelled to rely for their support upon the-exertions of some less afflicted relative—perhaps a blind peanut-peddling fa- ther, or a vigorous grandmother who takes in washing or sweeps out offices. There are well-marked signs by which the infirm and indigent young man may be de- tected at a glance. In the worst phases of his condition he may be known by his pantaloons, which stick to certain parts of his thin legs ike an eel-skin, and flare out around his box- toed shoes like a ballet-dancer’s dress. His hair is usually jet-black and puffed out behind. He walks with short steps, and sometimes for- gets to wash his face. He may be usually found dancing jigs on gin-shop corners, and does not object to pick a pocket occasionally, In the earlier, or less marked stages, he may be detected by his plaid coat, his exceedingly large watch-seals, and his particularly-polished hat. He usually twirls a small cane, and wears a seal ring with a stone as large as a block of Belgian pavement. He sneers at plainer dressed people, and is bothered by the adora- tion of every personable female between the age of fourteen and forty. He would not ob- ject to a fat office under the city government, provided some one would fetch his salary to | his favorite billiard saloon. My heart aches at the misery of these poor | creatures, and I earnestly desire to call the at- tention of the charitable and humane to the plan which I have formulated for their relief. ‘There should be established an Asylum for In- | digent and Infirm Young Men, under the fol- lowing conditions: A large and commodious edifice should be erected upon a suitable site, somewhere beyond the city Emits. The street-cleaning bureau might construct the ground by dumping the city’s refuse ashes and garbage in suffi it quantities off Barren Island. ‘The building | should be of three stories, and arranged as fol- | lows: ‘The lower floor must be fitted up with | pool and billiard tables, besides an ample pro- vision of dealing boxes, cards, chips and other } paraphernalia for playing faro, banco, poker, and other innocent games. French and auc- tion pools may be sold upon imaginary sport- ing events; inmates being furnished with paper currency issued by the directors upon the im- proved inflation system. A few countrymen | should be provided for the healthful exercise of pocket-picking, which will be found absolutely necessary to the moral welfare of many of the occupants. ‘The second floor must be arranged as a con- | cert hall and variety theatre; where perform- ances of a high moral tone should be given nightly. I would suggest the various phases of the “Can-can,” “ Female Bathers,” and other standard plays of like nature. Jersey kill-me- quick, patent champagne, and dead-house bourbon should be administered in ample doses; and the performers should be selected among the chBicest beauties in the charity hospitals and reformatories, under the charge of the De- partment of Charities and Correction. The third floor should be a dormitory, connected by elevators with the billiard room and concert hall. It is to be understood that inmates may sleep in their boots and sing comic songs in this department, ad /ibitum. The collection of patients should be accom- plished after the manner in which dogs are caught during the heated term, Trucks, car- rying large iron crates, and driven by compe- tent old women, should patrol the streets at all hours, gathering up all such indigent and infirm young men as tnight be found at large. Cattle- boats, waiting at certain piers, might receive the collections and convey them to the asylum. A benevolent friend, of much experience, sug- gests that the crates should be sunk in the bay, and thus save the expense of the asylum and its concomitant furnishings. But I prefer my own plan. Upon the arrival of the patientsat the asylum, they should be at once turned loose into the billiard room, and allowed to find their way to the floors above. Stout porters, with bale- hooks, should be kept in attendance, to heap the inmates upon the elevators for conveyance to the dormitories, directly they become para- lyzed. Breakfast must be served at twelve M.: to consist of soda water, seltzer, bitters and cocktails; other meals at the caprice of the’in- mates. I was about to conclude by suggesting, as a necessary attachment to the asylum, a capa- cious graveyard. But Professor Scalpel, of the University, observes that the defunct inmates might furnish studies of especial interest to the medical faculty. I therefore propose that, on the entrance of each inmate, his be name re- corded in a register, together with the particu- lar hospital to which his corpse is to go. Dis- section might reveal the cause and cure of the terrible malady with which so many of our no- ble youth are afflicted, Kye-Hitpretu. Our Cockney contributor insists that (H)Oxie, the victim of Wall street speculation, lost money because he couldn't help being a bull, 1) Sketch of a Bosnian family of aristocratic | lineage and normal proportions, groaning under the yoke of the unspeakable ‘Turk. 2) Sketch of the-same family after making the famous ‘Stand for Liberty’Sat Podgoritza, BLEEDING BOSNIA. 3) The same after Servia and Montenegro came to Freedom's aid. 4) Same after receiving assistance from Aus- tria. [Note.—The vital spark of Bosnian lib- erty still burns in the old gentleman’s breast. comicbooks.com