Puck — September 25, 1878 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

eo ee ol eae PUCK. “PUCK”. No. 13 North William Street, New York ¥OR SALE BY ALL NEWS DEALERS. + Terms To Supscripers. Ors SoPY, is Leathe: of 26 sume One Copy lor thirteen weeks. Postace Free. H, C. BUNNER... SPECIAL NOTICES. ‘Mawacine Eorror. Puck will hereafter be on Sale in London, at the News Agency of Messrs, HENRY F. GILLIG & CO., 449, Strand, Charing Cross, Puck may be had in Saratoga at BRENTANO'S new store, ‘opposite Congress Park. Amencans to Paris, hitherto reduced to Punch". “Fun” and “Judy”. will now find their natural paper on file at the “Herald” Office, 49 Avenue de I’ Opéra. ‘We wish to warn the public, especially Amencans so) Europe, against a spurious edition of Puck, published under the title of ‘The Figaro.” Though largely made up from our columns, the contents quoted are badly garbled, and are mixed with some foreign matter which we utterly repudiate. The only genuine edition of Puc is to be obtained of our authorized agents. 8 Remittances by Money Order, etc., are to be addressed to Kerrier & SCHWARZMANN. “gar Our advertising friends are only required to pay bills presented on the billheads of Pucx, with our stamp itreesseD thereon. KEPPLER & SCHWARZM. CONTENTS. The Allen-Cooper Alliance. Swallowed. ordinary. Pucxesincs. Letter Song from ** Perichole Indian Summer—H.C.Buwner. | “Legally Expressed, Vanderbiltiana. Answers 70 Fie ANxIOUs. The Sunday Medicine Law. | Puck's Comedy Stories—The The Lovers Again. Tru ‘They Lived in oston.—Claude | A Mayfair Mystery. ‘De Haven. Pucn’s EXcHances. Frrewoopte 1 Astenica. THE ALLEN-COOPER ALLIANCE. A WORD TO WORKINGMEN. Peter Cooper, Philanthropist, sitting at the feet of “The.” Allen, Apostle and Delegate of Greenbackers. ‘That is a pleasant little picture to look at. Peter Cooper has lived his octogenarian life, honored, successful, happy; scattering good things about him; and “The.” Allen has been, to put it mildly, a mauvais sujet all his days. Now, over the grave so suddenly opened for Ed, Malloy Puck cannot laugh, But at the idea of Peter Cooper standing on the same plane with “The.” Allen, the homicide and gambler; with Dennis (the foul-mouthed) Kearney; with Schwab, who helps the poor man by selling him beer at a pretty profit—at the idea of Gran'pa Cooper putting himself on a level with “reformers” like these, Puck con- fesses that he laughs—he haw-haws—and yet, as the tear is a-kin to the smile, Puck could weep at so sad a sight. “Misery acquaints a man with strange bed- fellows.” "Did it ever make such a sorry array of bed-fellows as to bundle up Papa Cooper, under the blankets, with such an array of reenback-snatchers as Allen, Shupe, Kearney, hwab, Sluggy, the Mugger, and all the crew of “strikers” who have disgraced our political system for years? And such funny things Puck could say about the situation! But he forbears. He leaves his cartoon on this week's first page to the intelli- gent consideration of the workingmen, who bear their heavy load of poverty. Will they follow the teachings of such an incongruous crew as is recruited from such a heterogencous mass of men as we have referred to above; or will they exercise their own common sense when casting their ballots in November? Puck watches and waits. SWALLOWED. “ And they each swallowed each other.” Lorp Byron—or Somebody. Rs prophesied by Puck last week, Butler has captured the Massachusetts Demo- cracy. In point of fact, he has swallowed it. And, strange as it may seem, the Democracy of the Bay State has also swallowed Butler; which is the only instance on record of two bodies mutually swallowing each other—except- ing the case of the Kilkenny cats, of blessed memory. And, as in the case of the cats, both bodies will be annihilated. fd est, this will be the end of Butler. And likewise of the Massachusetts Demo- cracy. At which idea it seems to Puck that all the good guardian angels who hover over us must grin and dance jigs that is, those of them who are not pollywog-cherubs, but who are full- grown and have legs. For, of all the useless factors in our political system, Puck thinks that Butler and the Massa- chusetts Democracy are the most useless and absurd. Both man and party are always “ re- forming" and “saving " cither the State or the Nation; they are as noisy and as active as the fly in the bottle, and accomplish just about as much of value to humanity. But if Butler, in the lottery of politics, should be able to crawl into the gubernatorial chair, what then? With one eye cocked on the State House “Ring” and the other eye on the Militia, won't he be liable to let some crying abusesslip through the middle-distance, unheeded? And what about that noble army of the out-of-place men whom in old times a nod from Butler would appoint to positions of much fatness in the custom house, in the internal revenue and post- offices? And the loyal Irish and German hearts must yearn towards Ben, for when Know- nothingism ran riot over the land Butler proved himself a man without prejudices against race orreligion. So, now the ‘ foreign element” will urge him to back up his principles and appoint them all to fat offices. Alas! Since the advent of Hayes and his Civil Service Reform the patronage of bully B. has dwindled down until it has reached that most uncomfortable figure 0. Why is there not another Grant in the White House to give all the government patronage in the State into the hands of the doughty General, and thus put an army of office-holders at his beck and call, to work for him early and late? - Then we could be sure of a sight that now we only hope to see; that of fat Ben waddling up the steps of the State House, on inauguration- day, clad in a stezl-pen coat and regulation trousers, attended by Dennis Kearney, and mopping his perspiring head while he kicks Governor Rice and Adjutant-General Jim Cun- ningham out of the back-door. And his reforms! How he would reform! And what wouldn’t he reform? He would re- form the old State so thoroughly that citizens of Massachusetts wouldn’t know the old Com- monwealth, . Internal improvements requiring State aid would be so covered up with weeds and cob- webs as to be completely hidden from the sight of man. Clapboards and shingles would no longer be made or sold, as every house would be thatched with mortgages, which every Bank would be obliged to supply. The trees on Boston Common would all bear fruit, for on them would hang the members of the State House “ Ring,” with Kearney to “ work them off,” in the approved manner of his namesake, “Dennis the Hangman.” But these are sights we never expect to be able to see. We fear that the political snake in the grass is badly scotched, if not already killed. It is one thing to commit burglary on a hall and another thing to make reputable citizens respect you for doing so. And although nine hundred men may shout for Butler in such hall, it will require more than ninety-nine times nine hundred men to elect him. But even an unelected Ben may be happy if he'll only look at his ledger. It is true, he isnot burdened with 6 and 7 per cent. government bonds, but then he’s got plenty of stocks pay- ing 10, 20, and even 30 per cent. Which it is very handy to have in the house. And so we think this is about the last of Ben in our politics. Personally, we regret it. We don’t like a “ Punch and Judy show” with the Punch left out; and in the farces played at our caucuses, conventions, and elections, there is no figure combining at once the ferociousness of the ogre and the grimaces of the clown, equal to that of Major-General Ben Butler, perpetual office-seeker. Puckerings. “ Tue Hancinc or THE Crayon” —Chal'ing it up. Men who always proceed to extremeties— Chiropodists, “Has sound color?” Why, of course, did” you never hear of ‘hue and cry”? WHEN a woman gets worsted, she knits? When a man gets worsted, he knits his brows. ‘THe man who married an incorrigible shrew, declared to a friend that he had contracted a dangerous scold. A BASE-BALL lad has just composed a base ballad. Our breath came to a short stop when we read the MS.—. ¥. News. Pooh! Nonsense! That breath of yours came from a pitcher—of beer. “A rir in Belleville, IL, turns out annually 100,000 gallons of castor-oil.” And the cas- tor-oil turns out—but we pausc; the subject is too powerful for us, “ Dene vas only a leedle difference between us,” said a burly Teuton who had just horse- whipped another, “I vas oxhided und he vas cowhided—dot's all.” “In English marriage notices the brides, pet names are put in brackets.” Which is a cus- tom which, if imported into Deadwood, would make these stereotyped affairs decidedly lively reading. 2 Ture is a touching beauty in the pale wild- rose that grows by the dusty wayside, half choked with thistle-down; but it is all lost upon the man who breaks both his back suspender- buttons when he stoops to pluck it. Fis-storigs are in order. We know a man who has a large number of beautiful ones, of bright colors, blue, red, and green. Unlike other fish, they do not inhabit large bodies of water, but are frequently found in pools. They are used in playing poker. Does a hand-organ—not the grinder thereof —ever get drunk? If you don’t know, go to some lonely street some night, and try to sing to the accompaniment of the organ. You will perceive that the organ is going ‘‘ Wh’ Emmer! Why zhoo poo m’ in susher d’remmer.” ‘This is reliable. comicbooks.com