Puck — July 31, 1878 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. 13 HENRY V. TO THE HERALD. I pray thee, bear my former answer back; Bid them achieve me, and sell my bones To the guano manufacturers, if they so desire! Good God! why should they mock poor fel- lows thus? ‘The man that once did sell the lion's skin For two dollars and a quart of whisky, While the beast lived, was killed with hunting him. Tell them I bid thee put that in thy pipe And smoke it! Discourse with the Constable of France We are but warriors for the working day; Our gayness and our gilt are all besmirched With iain? marching in the painful field, Or painful marching in the rainy field, Or hoofing it across lots, as best doth suit thee. The blacking is all worn off our shoes, And our moustaches have not been waxed for two days; ‘There's not a piece of feather in our host, (Good argument, I hope, we've had no chicken pie, And time has worn us into slovenry. But, bet thy life, our hearts are in the trim, And my poor soldiers tell me, yet ere night They'll be in fresher robes, or break a hame- string! ‘They say they'll skin The gay new coats o’er the French soldiers’ eads, Snatching their backs bald-headed, as it were, And turn them out in search of a clothing store. If they do this (and well I know they have the sand,) My ransom then shall soon be levied. Herald, save thy labor; Come thou no more for ransom, gentle herald, Lest we have thee roasted for dinner! —Derrick. Eptson’s tasimeter, to measure pressure, can be applied for the record of a hug.—/icayune, PeopLe who go to church out in the Park plead the old maxim, ‘Ubi trees, ibi ecclesia." —Phila, Bulletin, Some of the papers say that ‘trade is look- ing up.” Flat on its back, ech?— Cine. Break- fast Lable, Tus heat wave is a Republican campaign document. It kills off those who drink bad whisky.—ochester Express. Never ask a temperance man to drink. It isn’t true economy to -be spending money on other people.—Xronikle- Herald. Tue new elevated railway in New York might very properly be called the Sixth Ave- nuisance.—-Buffalo Every Saturday. Wantep —Delinquent subscribers to settle up. P. S.—In answering this advertisement, please state what paper you saw it in.—Cin. Sat, Night. America is now shipping canned lobsters to France. All the old sardines, with lots of tin, are there already, doing the Paris Exposition. —Kronikle-Herald, Missouri people would like to know why grasshoppers are not sunstruck occasionally, along with the rest of the population.— Derrick, You can just tell ‘em, next time you write, that it is because the grasshopperates to protect then.—Phila, Bulletin, THE CREAM OF THE BUCKET, A LIGHT ON THE SCRIPTURES. Adam was the first man who sat under his own vine and fig-leaf— Boston Post, TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN. There's a new syrup in the soda-water stores, called ‘Don'tcareifido.” It is very good.— Hackensack Republican, PIETY AND HARDWARE, A tack points heavenward when it means the most mischief. It has many human imitators. — Cincinnati Breakfast Table. THE DIFFERENCE, If you think there is no freedom in Mon- treal, just wait until ‘St. Patrick’s day in the morning.” —Norristown Herald, EFFECTUAL. A St. Louis woman who applied for a divorce one day last week got it the next. She was sunstruck.— Phila. Kronikie-Herald, HE FOUND IT. A thirsty young man went out yesterday to get a little oleomargerine buttermilk. He has not returned, and it is supposed he found what he wanted.—ew Orleans Picayune. 18 THERE NO MISTAKE ABOUT THIS? Now that the huckleberry season has set in, young men who are courting Boston girls come jome at night with their moustaches several shades darker than when they started out.— St, Louis Journal, HISTORICAL. George Washington didn't take any summer vacations, and he was not only healthy, but every one loved him.— Detroit Free Press. George did take summer excursions. ‘That one with old Braddock was in July, 1755. Hada bully time, too. ‘Took several trunks.—Pii/a, Bulletin, THE “COURT CIRCULAR,” WITH VARIATIONS. Our English files came in too late for a care- ful perusal of news for this morning's ost. We can only give the ‘Court News,” which is really the most important: The Hon. Miss Violet Lindsay cropped in during the evening to inquire the hour, as her clock had run down, Her Majesty expressed great regret and or- dered the Royal Clock-Winder to ascertain the time o' night, and wind up the Hon. Miss Violet Lindsay's time-keeper. The Duke of Connaught attended the Royal Upera in Lon- don, and informed the Queen that it was a rum show, and for singing it knocked the stuffin’ out of anything he ever heard. In fact, His Royal Highness said it laid head and shoul- ders over all the opera he ever attended before. ‘The Queen drove out yesterday afternoon at 2h 39m 15s She was accompanied by the Princess Christian of Schleswig-Springholstei: and the Hon. Lady Biddulph. They went in the royal dog-cart. Count Glichen visited the Queen at lunch, They had ham sandwiches (sans moutard) and sausage. The Count was oing to the ‘unt, and borrowed a pack of the Gueen’s ‘ounds. ‘The Judge-Advocate-General, the Hon. Mr. Philpot, had a buzz with Her Majesty on business of the realm for about eight minutes, and left for London via Rotten- Hill, Bungalore-road, Mustard-Town, Mary Ann’s Grave-yard, Fagin street, west.—Boston Fost. “(Is IT HOT ENOUGH FOR you?” Won't somebody please invent a new phrase to supersede the universal “ Is it hot enough for you?” It has done service ever since tor- ridity was introduced as an element in meteo- rology. We can almost imagine Lazarus put- the question to the opulent but niggardly citi- zen who begged a drop of water of him under pis fervent circumstances. When the first jot day arrives, this venerable query is brought out, and you are doomed to hear it fifty times a day as long as the summer lasts. Indeed, it sometimes occurs, during protracted heat, that the summer is past and the harvest is ended and you are not saved from it. One peculiarity of the thing is, the man who stops you on the street to propound the threadbare inquiry, al- ways grins as though he had got off a good thing of his own for the very first time in his life. That isn’t all; you are expected to grin, too, as if immediately struck with the hu- morous originality of the expression. Of course there is no reply expect It is one of those intensely funny conundrums that hasn't any fitting answer if you should try to find one, the humor consisting wholly in the propound- ing of it. We have requested that somebody get up a substitute for this expression—some- thing fresher—but on reflection we think it would be impossible. There is a kind of ven- eration hanging around it that no other phrase in connection with a high degree of tempera- ture would ever be able to dispel. And, wiping our streaming brow as we write these lines, we ourselves are constrained to say, “Is it hot enough for you?”"— Cin. Sat. Night. Tue golden wheat is falling in graceful swaths before the swinging cradles of the farm- ers, The farmer himself occasionally walks wearily to the blackberry-bush near the fence, and takes a long pull at the jug.—P. /. Man. “Fine nainsook, embroidered, makes lovely slips for children,” says a fashion writer. Orange peel on a sidewalk continues to be good enough for men.—icayune, Tue question has been asked: “Can a Christian go to the circus?” ‘ Yes, until he's married, and then in most cases the circus comes to him."—Andrew’s Bazar, Go west, young man. It is a charming place. Those who don’t freeze to death in winter, get sunstruck in summer. The others get killed by a tornado.—Norr Herald. Murperinc for love is getting to be very popular, Cincinnati furnishes the latest ex- ample, Perhaps 'tis better to be loved and shot than never to be loved at all.— Bos. Fost. Geo. ALFRED TownsEND says the reélection of General Grant must be opposed with reason, not with lies, distortions or canards, Mr. Eli Perkins will assist George Alfred in the opposi- tion,—- Picayune, Tin-caN attachments are not the thin; wanted by dogs. Good and humane boys will tie fans to the tails of dogs that they may fan themselves with the wag.—Ficayune, Dr. Carver can shoot fourteen bullets into the bunghole of a pork-barrel while the barrel is rolling once down a steep hill. For such a man life can hold but few untasted triumphs, —New Orleans Picayune, Sr. Louts has carefully preserved the names of those citizens who died of sunstroke. She doesn't propose building a monument over them, but their names will appear, as usual, in next year's directory.— Kronikle-Herald, Tue garter that the Queen gave ancient Beac ain't much of a thing after all; it’s an old garter—the oldest in the country—and worn by all the royal family and twenty-five ordinary roosters of the realm.—Boston Fost, To many a schoolboy’s fond delight, Now comes the festive apple green; He early puts some out of sight— ‘The pain begins at 8:15. Lec —WN. Y. Graphic. comicbooks.com