Puck — July 10, 1878 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK VENTURES A MERE SUGGESTION, Utilize the long trains of fashionable mothers—a la Kangaroo. MR. KROEGER’S METHOD. j OF R. KROEGER lately got an idea in his (Vel. head that colleges and other educa- * tional institutions could be done away with altogether, without injuring society in the least. He argued that it cost too much, and took up too much of a young man’s time to secure a first-class education, for it ever to become universally popular. He said, and firmly believed, that he could get up a sort of psychological machine by which a man could leave his learning to his family the same as money. He made and _ patented a machine which he gave a highfalutin Greek name, and immedi- ately commenced to look around for a specimen to experiment on, He hadn't long to wait. A college professor was suddenly taken ill, and ‘Mr. Kroeger was summoned to his bedside with one of his machines. He came to me a few days later to tell me the result of his experiment. Before opening his remarks, he showed mea portion of the late professor's will, which, as near as | can remember, was as follows: “1 do bequeath and give unto my son George my knowledge of Latin, mathematics and chemistry, through the medium of Mr. Kroe- ger’s Psychological Whatyoumaycallit.” “He left,” said Mr. Kroeger, ‘‘ his knowledge of French and Italian to one of his daughters, and distributed the balance of his learning among his remaining heirs. He cut off a profligate son with a slight knowledge of the alphabet, and when the will was being admitted to probate that son sailed in and tried to get his just share of geology. But he was left.” I was very anxious to get some idea of the instrument which could perform what might be appropriately called a minor miracle. Seeing my expression of anxiety, Mr-Kroeger continued: “Twill explain the thing to you. You see, when a man wants to bequeath his brains I take my machine and insert the main tube in the legator’s ear, and ask him to think of the branch of learning about to be bequeathed; as soon as he has all the rules in his mind and says ‘ready,’ I turn a crank and draw his arithmetic off into a tin can, “Then the man doesn’t know how much twice two is. “You see,” he went on, “all you have to look out for is not to haul the man’s soul out. In that case everything is spoiled. “Well, you see, the old professor thought he was going to die, and he was right. I just had his education canned in less than no time, and he quietly died. “The next day I intended to inject his accomplishments into the heirs. One of the children got hold of my technique in some un- accountable manner, and when no one was around he got my machine down and injected all the professor’s mental legacies into a goat. The family was crazy about it. “That goat knows more than a great many ministers, and it is a common thing to see it walking around and hear it talking about para- bolas, right-angled triangles, dative cases, clini- cal surgery, synopsis of scenery, and other equally abstruse things. “That goat is a regular LL.D. on the half- shell. I bought it in, and I am going to make a fortune out of it. Every time I relieve a man of his learning, I make it a point to steal acan of it, which I fire into the goat as soon as I get home. “T think he is fit to command an army now. After a while I am going to make him write books. You see, he knows everything. Only the other night I said: ‘I'll bet that’s him'— and the gost immediately replied: ‘A verb should always agree with its nominative case in gender, number, and person.’ “The school-teachers are all clubbing to- gether to crush me; the other day I canned a man’s brains, and just as I got through one of the children stepped on the can and smashed it, and everything was lost. To make the matter worse, the man recovered; and now he knows nothing. His family intend to sue me for damages, and have me prevented from carrying on business. “Tt’s always the way,” he went on, sadly, “as soon as a man commences to shower a blessing broadcast on humanity, humanity quietly gets up and sits upon him.” Having told me this much, Mr. Kroeger pulled his hat down over his eyes and mean- dered slowly from my presence. He is undoubtedly a wronged man. R. KM. ADVICE TO PEOPLE ABOUT TO MARRY. When you want to amuse the baby and keep her quiet, dip h.r fingers (called her “ tootsie- wootsies" by her partial maternal) in molasses, and then give her a feather to hold. This is eminently calculated to give her light and easy employment for two hours at astretch. Modus operandi shown above. AN ART TREASURE. Accurate portrait of the Sweet Singer of Michigan taking a dip in the Castalian font. = WITH PUCK’S COMPLIMENTS, The above cut is respectfully suggested as an appropriate heading for our esteemed contem- porary, the Boston G/obe, The ears are thrown in free of charge. comicbooks.com