Puck — June 26, 1878 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. DRAMATIC NOTES. Ar the Standard the season closes on Satur- day, when “ Fritz” expires in protean agonies. Tue Sacred Dime Concerts, with the Sa- cred Man-Flute, continue to make Sunday evening beautiful at Cooper Institute. Mr. Bartley CaMppett is to tempt the American public once again, at the Grand Opera House, July ist, with his “ Vigilantes.” Except at Niblo’s, there is this week no legi- timate theatrical performance in the city; and no variety show worth mentioning, save the Lingards’ and that at Tony Pastors. Tue Union Square is closed—so much so that, instead of the sign of “ Standing room only,” the house displ.ys a large placard: “Gentlemen will please not stand in front of this theatre.” “ Gospet TEMPERANCE ApvocaTEs,” popu- larly known as “ Murphies,” take possession of the Park Theatre next Sunday evening. This is a base oppo ition to the Aquarium, and should not be encouraged. Miss Kate CLaxton opens at the Park this fall in the latest Parisian success. We are authorized to contradict the rumor that it is a new version of ‘ Macbeth,” adapted to modern tastes and the French style by Hennequin and Najac. Tue Fifth Avenue has made a fine list of star engagements for next season, to which will probably be added the name of Miss Mary An- derson; and Messrs. Fiske and Harkins are now in the conntry, taking an anticipatory rest on their laurels. Cot. Sinn is going to spread himself ona strong stock company to support his stars at the New Park Theatre, Brooklyn, next year. Col. Sinn is quietly and unostentatiously run- ning a metropolitan theatre in a one-horse town. How he does it has not been ascer- tained; but he appears to flourish on it. Mr. W. H. Kenpatt and his wife, Miss Madge Robertson, come to the Fifth Avenue next season. England is trying to give us some compensation for the duffers whom she has been exporting for years. At present the ar- tistic account fully sets off the Halifax Fishery claims, and leaves a balance in our favor. At Gilmore’s Garden Thomas still continues to play Beethoven on Thursday nights to an ap- preciative audience of five dead-head musi- cians, On all the other evenings of the week crowds gather and encore the cornettist, Shue- bruk, who has tumbled to this situation, and who responds with ‘Suwanee River” and “Kathleen Mavourneen.” This gives great pain to the man who plays the bass-drum, and who is an admirer of Beethoven; but it plzases the public. CELESTIAL STATISTICS. ARY ELLEN CHASE is the name of the lady to whom we are indebted for the following discovery: “Women outnumber men three to one in heaven, and in the same proportion men outnumber women in hell. I do not say this as an idle boast, but simply pre- sent a fact that every Christian must accept on examina- tion.” If only those who placed confidence in the lady’s assertion are Christians, we fear that sad havoc will be made in the census reports, and a large preponderance given to the Heathen. The lady does not state the source of her in- | formation. We are willing to concede that she may be in Heaven in futurity, but when she alludes to the relative proportion of the | THE BROOKLYN-BRIDGE ACCIDENT. ADJOURNMENT OF ConGress. Congressmen seen returning to their various homes. Enthusiastic reception by their constituents. sexes there, she speaks prematurely. How does she know that the women outnumber the men? Isshe sure about it? Or is she only speculating a little on what is apt to occur? This ‘three-to-one” Paradise is a_new phase | of the question. Some men would feel adverse to being overawed in this manner by females, they would prefer to go elsewhere and be among their fellows. The lady has adjusted her proportion near enough, but may it not happen that she has left herself no margin? ‘There are some women (we smile to think the number is restricted) who, if by any chance they got into Paradise would putan end forever to its celestial character. ‘These women are generally of angelic aspect; hence would find no difficulty in gaining admission. But to thick of the uproar and tribulation they would create, assures one that their stay would not be long-protracted. Again, there is a class of men who (even in Paradise) would not appear to advantage when so far outnumbered. If the celestial idea was to be adhered to, these men would have to be removed. Such re- movals would shatter forever the lady's calcu- lations and afford the absurdity of such a pro- portion as, say 336 woman to1! man, We think that if Paradise was dependent on any such questionable arithmetic, not to say social basis, as this, it would not be Paradise very long. The lady has probably reason on her side, when she states that the women will outnum- ber men in the most eligible locality of the two. Anyone who has ever ridden in a street- car will observe the truth of this. Still her calculation is open to objection in the second designation anent Hell. It would seem that the lady has got the Paradise proportion—as it were — down pretty fine. But her Hell statistics are wrong. We do not say this as the result of any superior knowledge that the lady mathematician may possess. She prob- ably knows rather more about it than we do. ‘That, however, does not alter the question. ‘This lady Chase says that in Hell men out- number women three to one. We would like to ask the lady Chase, how she knows this? Does she know the kind of men who would prefer the other locality to Paradise? No? ‘Then how can she make the proportion. Yes? Truly—yes? ‘Then let us ask her, if this style of men would assent to any such ratio as she has named? We think not. They would see her——one of them first. It is quite plain to us, that on this second point—the lady's calculations are defective. Some indulgence is, of course, due, for information on the pro- portion is difficult to obtain, Still reckless assertions are never to be overlooked, and when a woman undertakes to apportion off humanity, she is apt to get beyond her reach. In proof of this, a single point will suffice. It is really vital. But the lady Chase has over- looked it. Her proportion arithmetically ex- pressed, is 3 WOMEN -+ 1 MAN 3 MEN + 1 WoMAN = HELL. Good. But does the lady not know: that women largely outnumber men? Does she not know that the surplus of women in all ages over men aggregates millions, and that to-day in Massachusetts there are 60.000 more women than men? It was so before Massachusetts was, and this is saying a good deal. Where does the lady Chase locate the superfluous women? Have they no abode? Is even Hell closed to them? Is there a Hilton even there? Perish the harrowing thought! We had rather that the lady’s calculations were voted wrong, than that one hundred and fifty million extra women were cast into nothingness and the solitude of space. This calculation is probably about the first that lady Chase has made. The trifling errors we have pointed out, will prob- ably show her how easy it is to be mistaken on the question of Celestial Statistics. They may also show her that this summary disposition of so many of her sisters will not be tolerated by any self-respecting woman or woman-re- specting man. We are sorry to be obliged to quote the con- cluding paragraph of her statement, for, after the above developments, it seems almost ridic- ulous, It is this: “TY do not say this as an idle boast, but simply present a fact that every Christian must accept on examination.” This leaves her in a worse dilemma than be- fore. For what can be the weight of an arith- metical calculation, which Christians only find correct, and how otherwise can they test it, than by a residence in both Hell and Paradise? As a successful adjuster of the hereafter of the sexes, Mary Ellen Chase is somewhat of a failure. PARADISE. Auswens for the Anrious. HasELtine.—Send her along. F. 1, C.—We will use it if we can, Jeans.— Yes, your poetry és “voluptuous.” So volup- tuous that the only advice we can give you is to swallow an iceberg. Birrxiys.--We are glad to know what you call a humorous sketch. The next time you send us one, we shall recognize and cremate it beforehand. S. P,Q. R.—If the Romans pat your initials on their banners only for writing such paragraphs as you have sent us, they were a degraded and low down crowd. MuLReapy.—Your name, and your genius, if we may judge from the style of your poem, fit you for the respon- sible position of a New York policeman. In point of airy fancy and winsome grace you are a heart-rending failure; but you possess every element of success as a clubbist.