Puck — May 22, 1878 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

_ PUCK’ S COMEDY-STORIES. v. POSTSCRIPT. Adapted from the French of E. Avctar, by H. C. Bunxar. CHARACTERS: Curves CHILLNGworTH —a@ Bachelor. Mrs. Grirritus—a Widow. Scene—A pretty boudoir in a Fifth Avenue Apartment Building. .Mns, Grivrrrus, in morning toilette, sits by the lange fireplace, in which bright wood-fre is She is idly cutting the leaves of a book which lies in esis Reriap Her luxuriant hair is thickly powdered. ‘She appears (o be expecting someone; for sbe glances restlessly at the door. A knock is heard. At her bidding the door opens, and Mr. Chillingworth appears on the ill, CHILLINGWORTH. Will you pardon me? It’s my fault. Don’t blame your maid. She told me you were at home to nobody. But I explained to her that a landlord was nobody; and she was unable to combat my sophistry. And now—may I stay? Mrs, GrirFItHs. It is fortunate for you that you are not any- one else. CHILLINGWORTH (with a glance at her head). You are taking an anticipatory rest with an eye to the ball to-night? Mrs, GRiFFiTHs. Oh dear, no! I shouldn't be powdered for the ball at this hour. CuttuincworTH (unsatisfied). Oh! Mrs. GriFFITHs. What is the mystery, then? Well, I will have no secrets from you. I have had a shampoo— horrible word!—and this powder is to dry my hair. Are you satisfied, King of Landlords? CHILLINGWoRTH, The compliment is undeserved: Mrs, GrirFiTHs. . What? You frighten me! You aren't going to ‘raise me,” as my agent says—are you? CHILLINGWoRTH. Worse than that. I am come to eject you! Mrs. Grirritus. Are you joking? CHILLINGWoRTH. Wish I was! But no—you see how I have forced my way to you. Personally I should never have had the cheek to do it. It is only in my capacity of landlord that I am capable of such a thing. Mrs. GRIFFITHS. And couldn’t the landlord wait till to- morrow ? CHILLINGWORTH. Impossible. You remember our contract. Six months notice on either side. If I waited till to-morrow you would begin your second quarter—which wouldn’t do at all. Mrs. Grirritus (slightly piqued). You make yourself understood, Mr. Chilling- worth, Cuituincwortu (placidly). I talk like a brute. Mrs, GriFFiTHs. You—you make no bones of it. CHILLINGWoRTH. Not a bone. Mrs. GrirFiTHs. And may I be itted to ask why you wish me to depart? . You have a reason, I grrese? CHILLINGWoRTH. An caene one, if you have the time to hear it. Mrs. GriFFitHs. I will make the time, for I wish to give you an areca to purge yourself of contempt. CuILLincworTH. Then, your permission, I will begin. (Seating Pe by the table,) Left an orphan of eighteen years of age— Mrs. GrirFitHs. Ah, it is your autobiography? May I ask why you skip your infancy ? CHILLINGWORTH. Because I forget it. If I remembered that period I should detail it to you. Mrs. GrirFiTHs. 1 am under obligations to your memory. CHILLINGWORTH. Don’t be premature. Well, tlren, to resume. Left an orphan at the age of eighteen, I found myself master of a large fortune, and an hon- orable name. Mrs. GrirFitHs. And at once set out to waste the one and— CHiLuincwortH. And compromise the other? Not at all—or —that is, at least—only a little, at first. You see, I never cared for cards; I never knew the popular mania for advertising myself as a profi- cient in some peculiar variety of athletic sports—neither Polo nor Lacrosse ever pos- sessed a single charm for me—and as to the rest, why, without overtaxing myself in the role of Saint Anthony— Mrs, Grirritus. Spare me the details, please. CHILLINGWORTH. All save such as are strictly necessary. But I must tell you that the one object of my life has been the discovery of my affinity. She exists—somewhere, of course. Where is she? I can only judge by induction. I am a wor- shipper of the Good, the True and the Beautiful. That is the predominating trait of my charac- ter. Consequently, my affinity must corres- pond to this characteristic. She must be Good —she must be True—she must be Beautiful. Mrs. GrirFitHs. Anything else ? CHILLINGWoRTH. Of course, I made some false It is needless, perhaps, to re- That is all. starts at first. count them. Mrs. Grirritus (significantly). Quite, CHILLINGWORTH. I may mention incidentally that the pursuit of the Good, the True and the Beautiful in the concrete form led me occasionally into regions where I—ahem—well, where I didn’t belong. Mrs. GRIFFITHS. Very probably. CHILLINGWORTH. My three best friends are three men whose happiness I once set out, deliberately, to ruin. Tended by finding them very good fellows, and worth a dozen of their miserable wives—heart- less flirts or frivolous imbeciles. Mrs. Grirritus (/aughing). You are founding a school of morality. CHILLINGWORTH, I know—I am absurd—but I am sincere, Well, my social experiments are at anend. I have found my affinity. You understand: I have passed the age when one can marry with his eyes shut. It is a marriage of sober reason that I contemplate. Mrs. GriFFiTHs. Permit me to congratulate you. CxILLINGworTH. One moment—I'm not accepted yet. Mars. Griryitus. Ah, but you will bet. CHILLINGWORTH. You think so? Mrs. GriFFITHs. It is impossible that you should fail in your suit. For, now that.you are—how shall I say? —out of the aca Lenaichicas isn’t that your horrid phrase for it?—I may tell you that you are the most charming man I know, in spite of this wretched ejection, which we had forgotten for a moment. CHILLINGWoRTH. On the contrary, that’s just what we're get- ting at. You see how it is? When I built this house, I had a double motive—first, to make a good investment—second, to provide a pleas- ant home for myself— sucha home as I enjoyed in Paris. But at that time all I needed was my bachelor entresol—my little suite of apart- ments below you. But now, you see, I wish to spread myself, literally and metaphorically. Mrs, GRIFFITHS. T understand. It is Mrs. Chillingworth whom you propose to install in my place? CuILLincworTH. It is she. Mrs. GrirFiTHs. In consideration of the motive, I pardon you, though indeed I don’t want to move. I am like a cat—I have an affection for the place Ilive in, Iam—I mean I was—very comfort- able here. CuiuincwortH (rising, and leaning over her). Then stay. Mrs. GriFFiTHs. And Mrs. Chillingworth ? CHILLINGWORTH. She will have no objection, provided— Mrs, GRIFFITHS, Provided? CHILLINGWoRTH. Provided you will change your name. Mrs, GrirFitus. What do you mean ? CHILLINGWoRTH (ca/mly), Give up the name of Mrs. Griffiths for that of— Mrs, GrirFitus. Chillingworth? CHILLINGWoRTH. Precisely. Mrs. GRIFFITHS. Do you know, I believe you are making me a proposal of marriage ? CHILLINGWoRTH, I have some such idea myself. Mrs. GrirFitus (rising). You have rather a peculiar way of doing it. CxILLINGworTH, You reproached me just now for making no bones— Mrs, GriFFiTHs, I did you wrong—by a skeleton-full. CHILLINGWoRTH, You did, ‘Mrs. GrirFitus. And so it is I who have the honor of repre- senting | in your eyes the “marriage of sober reason” you just spoke of? Do you know that you are not polite? CHILLINGWoRTH, Pardon me. You misunderstand my words, What the world calls a marriage of reason—that is, a marriage where neither the heart nor the eye is consulted; where a holy union is reduced to a commercial transaction, where love is a jest and self-interest a prime factor—this I do not call a marriage of reason—I call itg a mar- riage of business. Mrs. GRriFFITHS. That's“ better. But your originality needed a foot-note. —— comicbooks.com