Puck — April 24, 1878 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. Puckerings. Tue time has passed for the paragrapher’s joke on Lent. Docior Le Movne offers to cremate spring poets at half price. Tue Russian war won't be any good to us if we don’t get it soon. Tuere are no “high kickers” in politics. ‘They kick both high and low. Give a dog a bad name, and they will not admit him to the Kennel Club exhibition at Gilmore's. Aw anitnal kept in a menagerie at public expense stands lower in the social scale than the spring poet. Now let George Francis Train quicken his conscience, and in behalf of right and truth acknowledge that he has exceeded his quota of peanuts. SERGEANT Bates has been robbed of a $37 diamond in Gibson City, Illinois. ‘The Ameri- can flag was saved. ‘Tuere is no man who feels so cheap as he who goes about asking what would be a good inscription for a tombstone, and has his own name suggested. Beecuerizep —At Detroit, Michigan, in the 74th year of his age, the Rev, Dr. McCoskry, Bishop of the Protestant Episcopal Church. Brooklyn papers please copy. A younGc man bought an actress’s wardrobe, but it occurred to him afterward that it might not fit everyone. So he is now going about seeking some one whom it will suit. A RatLway conductor recently boasted that in the pursuance of his duties, he squeezed 587 female hands during the past year, and it wasn't a very good year for squeezing hands, either. A statisticaL friend has found that the or- dinary number of guests at a state dinner at the Executive Mansion in Washington, is thirty- six and a third. This third of a man is un- questionably Sam Cox. THERE are no free-passes in Paradise. Neither does the custom of return-checks prevail in Hell. Indeed, we have reason to believe that this is about the only abomination to which that region cannot lay claim, Mrs. Van Corr says she will preach, and that neither John Wesley nor St. Paul can stop her. Some one should inform the widow that both of those named are dead. Besides, they are probably well satisfied to have her keep on talking, as it affords her relaxation and insures them immunity from her elsewhere. A CORRESPONDENT asks us if we believe that the Marquis of Lorne really writes the poems that appear over his own name. We don't know positively; but we should think that aman of Lorne’s fortune and position would employ a servant to do them forhim, He probably Ir Job had only lived in the time of Wor- cester’s Unabridged, he might have had sore, painful subcutaneous eruptions, terminating in pustules, but unless a supply of extra potsherds was thrown in, too, he probably would not have appreciated the difference. Lorp & Taytor pay their collectors ten dollars a week. The collectors gather on an average two hundred dollars a day, and are responsible for all losses, accidental ur not. If there is anything in indications, we prophesy that Messrs. Lord & Taylor will build a Woman's Hotel some day or other. Wuat a vast amount of good can a family get out of one set of diamond earrings. ‘The inother makes her morning calls with the sparkling gems; the eldest daughter goes to a dinner with thesame solitaires dangling from her ears; another daughter causes the opera glasses to be pointed in her direction, by wearing them at the matinee; they beautify another pair of cars at a tea-party, and the youngest of the family captures the hearts of all the young fellows with them at a grand ball in the even- ing. And we didn’t say that the old gentleman had paid for them, either. APRIL 24, 1891. I confront my own confession of guilt with my own denial. 1 offset my written admission by my published declaimer. I defy anyone to say that I have not said this. I reiterate my innocence, and establish my truth. If all the World calls me guilty, I will confront it by my confession, and say that everyone (myself included, has lied. I defy anyone to say that I have not said this. Grace, mercy and peace. P.S. 1 absolve myself from my own con- fession. I assert my innocence. I confront the world with my denial. I am guiltless. I defy anyone to say that I have not said this. To Henry Warp Piymoutn, Esq Forgive me, Henry, if to thee this late And hasty product of a fluent pen, ‘Thyself no very common specimen, For various motives kird | dedicate. My first was offered to an older friend; ‘A quickened conscience” falleth to thy share: Nor would | miss the occasion to declare, Ere this brief mission to the press I send, ‘That, set aside veracious inwardness; ‘Yo use thy own apt and effective phrase: In all my threadings of this worldly maze— And I have thread it some, | rather guess — Free from scif-secking falschvod, low design, T have not found a whiter soul than thine, RKONDEAU. LOVE AMONG THE POTSHERDS. oe — TZ, ERAMIC all tastes here have grown. I'm free AX. To say the mode wanes somewhat, o'er the sea: eS Here nathless are we all Keramic, very. Keramomaniac is my uncle Perry, And shrined in pots my cousin Virginie. I strive to storm this fort of pottery Upon the wings of Love. And generally Find I have furnished freight for Charon’s ferry Keramical, Sevres, Faience, Majolica. ‘These things be ‘The fracturable shrine of my divinity; Yet will I win that ripe mouth, mocking, merry— O seven or eight shades ruddier than the cherry Though I smash eternally all things that we Keramic call. THE DO.ING HUSBAND, TIE FOND WIFE, AND THE SINISTER YOUNG MAN. I, They were turning over the leaves of an album together. “Pretty girl,” said the wife as they reached a primrose-complexioned in- genue, ‘very pretty.” She was the handsomest girl I ever saw,” said the husband significantly. ‘The sinister young man nodded assent to both parties. “Do you think so?” asked the wife with some emphasis. The young man thought over the situation, and inferred that the picture in the album was that of the wife some years prior to her nup- tials. She was trying to test him. The hus- band too seemed to corroborate this view. The sinister young man took the hint. “Do I think her pretty?” he said.‘ Well, I should just guess | do, Such white teeth, Juxuriant hair, beautiful complexion, fine fea- tures, face, form, carriage, such ingenuousness, and, ah! such a sweet expression The husband hove a weary sigh, and re- marked, “Zhat was my girl before I was mar- ried.” Il. “Joanes,” said the fond Virginia to her spouse (who was a plumber), “we have lived thirty five years happily together; do not now shatter our union by this rash resolve.”” ‘The plumber-spouse waited till Virginia was done, and then he said deliberately: ‘It is becatse I have the experience of thirty-five years that I am emboldened now to assert my prerogative. 1 wid/ play the ‘Sweet Bye and Bye’ on my cornet.” “Not in this house,” said Virginia, firmly. “It is mine, a gift from my mother—" ‘The plumber-spouse snapped his fingers con- temptuously. The woman felt scorned, and said: “ You have gone far enough. I defy you to proceed to this extremity.” A smile lit the face of the plumber-husband. If he was really awed, his command of facial expression must have been at fault, for he looked amusingly unconcerned. “Dearest,” said Virginia, “please do. not play that instrument; if you must play it, per- form some of the airs we heard on our honey- moon. In those happy days when, alas!—" ‘The plumber-husband wept, but he did not take his eyes from the cornet. Virginia ceased to implore him, She became argumentative, aS some women are wont at times to do. “See here, Jonas, you spent $19 for that there cornet, That represents 127 drinks, You want to keep the cornet. What's the use of breaking it by playing the ‘Sweet Bye and Bye’? Besides it is a pretty instrument, and you might not get so nice a one again.” ‘The plumber-husband remarked that he was not dissuaded from his original purpose. “Then,” said Virginia, “you are a mean, sneaking wretch. What are you good for, any- way? A grown-up man, playing a cornet! Next you'll want a top, a kite and some marbles,” she said ironically. : He took the cornet from the box, and pre- pared to perpetrate his design. But he did not do it. * * . . The reason which the widow gave to the mourners was that Destiny had asserted itself. ‘The sinister young man said that it would be sad to reflect that it could ever (even for a time) overlook a cornet-player. ee comicbooks.com