Puck — April 24, 1878 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

14 PUCK. Reports of damages to crops are coming in early this season. A New Hampshire hen had hers entirely destroyed about a month ago, but still lives —Zx, Tue Bible commands us to love one another, but this isno reason why a man should climb the back fence to hug his neighbor's wife.— Kronitkle-Herald, AGRICULTURAL papers are howling to know “How shall we keep the boys and girls on the farm?” Well, suppose you hide their clothes.— Bridgeport Standard, How long the British lion can stand on his ear without detriment to his own health is a rather important question for Europe just now. —Philadelphia Times. Ir the strolling temperance orators keep on enumerating the crimes of which they are guilty, we shall yet find out who killed old man Nathan. —usner's Falls Reporter. THe young woman who used to sing so di- vinely, “Oh, had I the wings of a dove,” is satisfied with a chicken leg now. She is mar- ried.— Cincinnati Saturday Night. “Ts Satan married?” propounds the inquisi- tive Chicago Zimes. We suppose he is—he must be, or else who gets up in the morning to build the fires ?—S¢, Lowis Journal. Western Christians often ride ten miles to church, but they count the journey for naught if there is only a good cock-fight between the morning and afternoon services.—Phila. Kro- nikle-Herald. Tue heaviest snorer we have heard of is the man up town whose wife woke him up, during a tempest, saying she did wish he would stop snoring, for she wanted to hear the thunder,— Unknown Ex. Tue St. Louisians are said to be healthy. They ought to be. The carrying about of two such weights as nature has attached to the St. Louisian is exercise enough to make any one healthy.— Louisville Courier-Journal. Last week the detectives caught a man, who, after being cornered by severe cross question- ing, at last confessed that he had not invented a fire-escape. He was promptly sent to the asylum for the sane.— Burlington Hawkeye. Now they say the reason a woman can’t throw things as straight as a man is because her collar bone is differently shaped. We always thought some awful reason ought to be invented for her performances in that line.—Bridgeport Stan. dard, P. T, Barnum never felt bad over any of his failures except one. He offered five dollars to get his wood-cut into Webster's Dictionary, and the publishers scorned him, though they were putting in wolves and buzzards for nothing.— Detroit Free Press. Yes, brother journalists, there will come a time when religious societies will not expect seven dollars’ worth of gratuitous advertising in return for a ticket entitling the bearer to a chance in a raffle for a ninety-nine-cent hair brush.— A’sany Argus. You can’t plant cats too early, nor is it pos- sible to get too many in a hill. You may not raise anything else that season where the cat is planted, but in the meantime the cat would not have raised anything either, and that is where the enormous profit comes in.—Albany Argus. Mr. Dix announces his lecture under the title, “Are the United States a Government?” ‘True politics require that he should say, “ Is the United States a Government?” From a mistake in grammar in this business sprang the rebellion.— Bost. Transcript. A SouTHERN paper regrets that something cannot be done to induce the blacks in some of the overcrowded sections to emigrate to Liberia. It never occurred to the editor to start a report that they raise watermelons as big as a cow over there,— Cincinnati Breakfast Table. A wise man is never less alone than when he is alone.— Yonkers Gazelle. We have expe- rienced the same feeling ourselves, and intended to speak about it.—Worcester Press. Which shows that those wise people don’t have a monopoly of this amusement, after all.— Buffalo Express. We don’t want to appear ignorant or unso- phisticated, or anything of that kind, although we don’t mind owning up that we're young and inexperienced; but, really, we'd like to have somebody tell us whether fishes spawn their watches and overcoats ?—Sf. Louis Journal. Tuts has been one of the hardest winters known on peach growers. So far there has been no reasonable excuse for spreading the usual annual frost-killing report, and some authorities on the subject fear that some new kind of destructive worm will have to be in- vented to counteract the evil effects of this mild weather. - Stray Faragrapher. Frurtcess inquiries are being made for one William A. Wheeler. Perhaps diligent search would reveal some such transformation as took place in the case of the Connecticut lunatic who gave his name as Alexander the Great, and, when reminded that it was only a short time since he was Julius Cesar, blandly remarked: “But that was by a former wife.” Wuo knows that the father in the scriptural parable may not have been sick of the smug airs and the wearisome self-complaisance of his first-Lorn, and that the return of the lost prodi- gal may have been hailed as a blessed relief from the society of the model youth who sat opposite him every day at dinner and bored him to extinction across the walnuts and the wine with a recital of his own virtues? — London World. Georce Francis Train, it is announced, intends to visit Pennsylvania towns on a lec- ture tour. It may be remembered that only a week ago this paper said ‘Train was the most able and eloquent orator now living. He is a gentleman whom it is a pleasure to know, and his lectures elevate and instruct, and—and we would lie more about him if we were positive he intended to visit Norristown.— Norristown Herald. ‘Tue irreverence of Martin I, Townsend in attacking the Mother of Presidents—we refer to that rascally old State, Virginia—will make countless thousands weep. Why doesn’t the graceless, conscienceless old man direct his violence at some outside territory with which we happen to be at war? Again, there are the Indians—why not pitch into them? Hasn't the South suffered enough? And is it not heart- less to destroy public respect for an institution which nobody has gazed at for a hundred years back without fear and trembling? Shades of John Smith and Pocahontas, not to mention the imitation shadows of Jeff Davis and Aleck Stephens. Is nothing in this world to be safe from the rude hands of Northern mudsills ?— Buffalo Express. WHY IS IT? Why do the people crowd the rooms of the Colton Dental As- sociation? Five Reasoxs. 1st—Because they originated the use of the gas. 2d—Because they have given it to 103,261 patients without a single acerdent or failure. 34—Decause they do nothing but extract teeth, and constant practice enables them to do it in the best manner, 4th—Decause nearly all the best dentists in the city recommend their patients to them. sth—Because they make the gas fresh every day. No. 19 Cooper Institute, N. Y. PUCK’S Pictorial Department SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT. Havine completed all necessary arrangements, and in compliance with numerous requests, the publishers and proprietors of Puck take pleasure in announcing that they have opened a GENERAL DESIGNING OFFICE, where the services of the best artists in America, including those of the dis- tinguished cartoonist, ® Mr. JOSEPH KEPPLER, are employed in furnishing all kinds of Illustrations, in the most perfect style, on short notice, and at reason- able rates, The Theatrical Profession will find it to their especial advantage, in arranging for LITHOGRAPHIC PORTRAITS, to apply at this office, where Mr. Josep Kerpver is in personal charge of the department. Address, Puck Publishing Company, 13 N. WILLIAM ST., comicbooks.com