Puck — February 27, 1878 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

| | 4 PUCK. ~ kept on taking that drink for the rest of the evening. There was unspeakable satisfaction in finding ‘some comparatively inexpensivé ner of my sorrow. But Jack had to keep his appointment with the galop dancer, and I sallied forth once more to meet my destiny. It came in the shape of a blonde with black eyes and an appetite. She told me about the appetite when 1 met her. We went to supper. We drank some champagne. She told me that she hadn't enjoyed herself a bit the whole eve- ning. Then we ate and drank some more, and she said that she was tired, and wanted me to take her home. “Certainly,” I said. “But we shall have to hunt up my lady friend who has got my cloak-check,” she said. “Oh, certainly,” I said, with as much cheer- fulness as I could summon, And we went forth, arm in arm, to hunt up the lady with the cloak-check. ‘As that lady wore a black domino, and as one out of every five ladies wore a black dom- ino, you will readily understand that many of our onslaughts were futile in the extreme, and the constant repetition of my demand for the lady's cloak-check began to cause comment. But that wasn’t the Arion’s fault. Finally we came upon the real lady. She had an escort who was a very fresh young jour- nalist with side-whiskers. He held the cloak- check in keeping and wouldn't give it up. To avoid any altercation on the floor, we went up into the supper-room and drank some more wine. My blonde friend did not abandon her de- sire to go home. But after we had emptied several bottles, her friend, together with the fresh young journalist, went down again on to the floor, without surrendering the cloak- check. Iwas then sent forth to find them and de- mand it. I went. I left the black-eyed blonde in charge of the waiter. I pounced on the fresh young journalist five minutes later, and demanded the cloak-check. He refused to give it. “She doesn’t want to go home,” he said. “She does,” I said. “She doesn’t,” the lady friend said. “Tm sure she doesn’t,” added the fresh young journalist. “ But I tell you she does!” I exclaimed furi- ously; ‘she just sent me here to tell you." And then we determined to hunt her up and have her settle the matter definitely. We found her looking mournful. She did want to go home, but she didn’t want her friend to get mad about it. This weak effort to keep on the right side of her companion, regardless of my feelings in the matter, riled me. I lost all interest in the de- bate, and made my escape, leaving her to freeze on to the fresh young journalist, and spoil his chances of flirtation with the lady for the rest of the evening. I didn’t dance. So I was cut out of that form of enjoyment, too. But that wasn’t the Arion’s fault. I came upon a friend, though, who Aad danced the whole evening. He had danced too much. His costume as the Marquis de Castille look- ed as though it had gone through a severe struggle, and his wig fitted too many sides of his head at once. He felt unnaturally excited. He had danced tauch too much. He had danced with a young lady who had danced too much too. “Why, Tom, don’t smoke on the floor,” I said; “‘ they won't allow it.” “W-h-h-a-t!"" he said, half in a shriek, and half in a stammer—looking more than ever like one who had danced too much with a lady who had danced too much. ‘ Why, they gave us five minutes (Aic) to leave the house two hours ago.” And then a vision of somebody’s red stock- ings, making frantic efforts to keep in the air, in spite of the interference of the floor comittee, came before my mind. Then, as a last resort to amuse myself, I de- termined to walk through a quadrille. 1 found a young lady charitable enough to take me as her partner, and I sailed in. Iwon’t attempt to describe my efforts. Before I finished I had pulled down the back-hair of two of the ladies, and torn the dresses of the other two. I got into a serious row with one of the male dancers, whose wife I had almost rent to pieces, and I was finally sat down upon by the vigilant Floor Committee. But that wasn't the Arion’s fault. I went home at last. There all the beauties and the splendors of the ball revolved before me, I saw myriads of attractive features pur- suing one another, and I wondered how in thunder it was I hadn’t gone in with the proper spirit and enjoyed myself. I don’t want to say anything disparaging of the ball. I have merely given my experience to show how a man can succeed in not enjoying himself at one of the most enjoyable affairs of the season. It requires a certain amount of talent to be able to imbibe delights. That I should lack that talent is certainly not the Arion’s fault. A FEW BIBLICAL REFLECTIONS. HE other day, while looking over a long- neglected shelf in my library, I found a delightful volume entitled, “The Sacred Mountains,” by the Hon., or Rev., or some- thing, Headley. The author, in a sentimental preface, tells us that he wishes, in the Sacred Mountains of the Bible, to put before us, ina homely way, the sayings and doings of those personages who are to us ‘‘ impalpable nonenti- ties of insuperable grandeur” (I quote from memory); and then, after saying this, he goes and does it in a most unconsciously humorous fashion. He first proceeds to Mount Moriah, whence, by a process all his own, he diverges to Ararat, and lets loose his eloquence upon Noah and the flood. He fancies the whole scene: Noah and his sons and “ hired men" cutting down timber for the Ark, the neigh- bors standing around laughing and jecring; and then the laying of the keel, the gradual completion of the vessel, to the immense dis- gust of the populace, who call it ‘“ Noah's Folly.” But the most exquisite touch of na- ture is the “citizen of the town,” criving home in the evening from a “ gay scene in the coun- try,” and laughing at Noah & Co. Why is this picture not complete? Had the citizen missed any road-houses or not? How full was he, and was he driving fast enough to bring him under the ban of the mounted police or not?” About here our author's invention gives out, and after shutting up the beasts and people in the Ark, he dismisses the subject with the re- mark that “ would we could have heard the conversations during their long journey,” etc. It is for the purse of supplying this long- felt want that I have taken the liberty of trou- bling you, dear Puck, with this communica- tion. Why not go on and imagine? Fancy the gradual raising of the Ark from the surface of the earth, the rain pouring, the lightnin; ting some for Japhet to fry, and Shem making the fire, Noah'taking a gin-and-seltzer quietly before breakfast, apart from the observation of his wives and daughters-in-law, and holding his breath hard when they kissed him before sit- ting down to the meal. “*T saw Smith’s house floating past this morn- ing, father,” remarked Japhet. “What, old Peter Smith's, or whose?" re- plies the patriarch. “No, no; I mean Melancthon Smith’s. He built it right 'longside the Ark when we were building it. Don’t you remember what a liquor business he did until the Board of Excise of Gomorrah refused him a license ?” “Yes, now I remember. Ham, go right down and tie up that lion; he’s got loose again.” “Pardon me, sir,” remarked Ham, “ but I am afraid that I may be eaten in the discharge of my duty. I fight the lion; he is victorious; he lunches upon me—this is the sequence of events.” Suem—‘‘An archeological one, at all events.” “Shem, go and tie up the lion,” said the patriarch with some severity; “you seem to court death.” “By the way,” broke in Shem, “ Where ought the Ark to land—in Arkansas ?” “Oh, bah!” exclaimed Japhet—what an arch-im-idea’s: : “Go belong!” yelled Noah, turning pale. “ Alas! arcades ambo! alars!’” As the incorrigible Ham dodged his father’s epigram, he was understood to mutter some- thing about nearing the Arctic circle, where things were hung up. In these innocent pleasantries the days rolled on; and many a night, while sitting round the red-hot stove in the ladies’ cabin, sipping hot Scotch and smoking choice Key West cigars, while the winds howled outside and the wild beasts within, Noah and his sons re- viewed the past events of their existence, or else played billiards or in-door croquet. ‘They never diverted themselves with polo, owing to the scarcity of ponies, two only being allowed in the Ark. It is thought by some worthy peo- ple that Pharoah, now spelled faro, was in- vented during this sea-voyage, but this is a mat- ter of conjecture. « This subject is too vast to be further investi- gated at present. Rien. A sotp, bad man has asked as to say that George Francis Train's habits of diet will bring him to the peanut-tentiary. But we have re- sisted the temptation. We regard the jest as to lu-goober-ious. Selah. ‘Tue Oldest Inhabitant has retired again to his _lunatic-asylum, and is now sitting in an underground dungeon, trying to wrap himself up in an umbrella, and challenging the other inmates to a game of snow balls. Heinrich Bauer, who kepta German restau- rant in the Bowery, committed suicide the other day, owing to mental derangement. An uninitiated American guest demanded a nap- kin with his meal and gave a shock to Mr. Bauer's intellectual equipoise, from which he never recovered. ANp now comes along the militia regiment that can’t march as straight as a Dutch target- company coming home from Morrisania, and demands the most important park in the city that it may squat thereon with its armory. General, or Major, or something-or-other Shaler isthe modest spokesman. There is a cheek about Shaler, a vast, illimitable cheek, which, flashing, the cattle lowing and. bellowing, an When I saw him he was about to light a cigarette. Noah calling the family to breakfast, Ham cut- while we may admire, we should much like to see amputated. comichooks.com