Puck — February 6, 1878 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. “PUCK”, No. 13 North William Street, New York. FOR SALE BY ALL EWS DEALERS. Terms To fupscriners. Gna Cavy os ond orcs ae One Copy for thirteen weeks... ne Postace Fass. “ALL OVER THE WORLD! PUCK’S ALMANAC. PRICE 15 CENTS. Those who have not died happy have never read Puck's ALMANAC. Those wishing to die happy will please take notice. Over 10,000 copies gone already! P. S.—We stop the press to inform our readers that an order for seventeen copies has just been received from Zanzibar. PUCK’S SUPPLEMENT. With this number is given away the first of a éeries of pictures to be known as f Puck's Illustrated Theatre. The first picture represents the principal scenes, inci dents and characters of ‘¢4 CELEBRATED CASE,’’ the successful melodrama now holding the boards of the UNION SQUARE THEATRE, NEW YORK. THE RETURNING BOARD. Puck is too great a friend of good govern- ment and peace to devote much time and. at- tention to the gentlemen who are nowenjoying the excitement of a trial for their successful efforts at forgery and altering election-returns in Louisiana. 4 But if he does express an opinion, it must be distinctly understood that it is not for the pur- pose of re-opening the Presidential question. That matter is settled beyond peradventure. No man whose head is level would deny that the members of this Louisiana Returning Board are—well, we must say it—precious rascals, ac- cording to the evidence before us. But perhaps, after all, we're judging them harshly. They may be as innocent as unborn babes. How can any of us, who seek to sit in judgment on them, have any knowledge, or form any estimate, of Messrs. Anderson, Wells & Co.’s standard of virtue Theirs may be right and ours may be wrong? It is a good thing sometimes to be in an honorable minor- ity. Rectitude and honor have often enough a rough road to travel. Let us at least give them credit for good in- tentions, ‘They, clear-headed and far-seeing, may have been convinced that the country would be better off with a Republican Presi- dent; and as, of course, they knew that those who voted the Democratic ticket had done it under misapprehension, it was, therefore, good, kind and self-sacrificing on their part to take so much trouble to alter the returns. And just think of what they’re likely to get for all their herculean labor. These considerations ought to have weight with the jury, who should respect conscientious- ness and consistency whenever they get an op- portunity of doing so. We might just remark, incidentally, that it is odd that the precipitation of Hayes into the White House, through the indirect instrumental- ity of the Louisiana Returning Board, tripsup the see-saw plank, and knocks the said Board into the Penitentiary. — ‘POPULAR RELIGION” is notoriously ready to avail itself of secular aids, lawful or unlaw- ful. Even the despised Theatre is called into requisition to suggest a new style of advertising the itinerant “ Evan, ist.” We are only too familiar with the beautiful and accomplished star whose fairy footsteps are dogged by a love-stricken youth of aristocratic birth and unbounded wealth; and with the handsome tragedian to whom the “sweet girl graduate” writes, voluminously and indiscreetly, on tinted paper. We know them, and we know just what discount there ison them. And now it appears that this little histrionic game has at- tracted the attention of the revivalists. They have seen it, and pronounced it good. An item has already been started, to the effect that Mr. Francis Murphy, a gentleman intem- perately, addicted to temperance, is a ‘‘heart- reaker,” who is ‘wildly loved" by several ladies of Troy, N. Y., and who is followed on his wanderings by a lovely widow, who, a kind of many-bladed Ariadne, gets repeatedly and regularly left by this stony-hearted ‘Theseus of evangelism, at the various stages of his lecture- tour. This, of course, is only the beginning. Ere long we shall hear of a golden blonde, pur- suing, with love lit glances, the illiterate but energetic Moody; and of a.dark-eyed daughter of the south tracking Sankey through the coun- try to listen enraptured to the tenor that was probably, once upon a time, silvery. It is all right, of course. We have no objec- tion to make, if these gentlemen choose to ad- vertise themselves thus. Yet one hint we might drop them. They should avoid, decidedly avoid, following Mr. Beecher’s peculiar line. He rather overdid the business. — Greece-is to fight! The Achaians are going again to the battle. The iles of Greece, where burning Sappho loved and sung, threaten to work themselves up into a dressing for the unfortunate Turk, who, beaten from pillar to post, has unwittingly trespassed upon an arid corner of the New Jersey of Europe. Ofcourse the ‘descendants of Menelaus are burning to avenge the outrage. Of course. Look into any hole-and-corner groggery ofthis city. Two full sized men are fighting, and one is getting the worst of it. When the brutal work is nearly over, you will see some shambling wreck of a corner-loafer slip out from behind the stove, ‘Stick out his toe so that the mar who is whipped may tread on it; and then—punch the ex- hausted victim. Hurrah for Greece! ‘Tue Harvard College balls, this winter, have not been graced by the presence.of the young ladies of Boston. This, it has been stated, is owing to the failure of the Harvard boys to in- vite them. We have, however, private infor- mation that the real cause ts the growing dis- satisfaction felt in Boston at the flippancy and levity of the Harvard Studentsin general. One young freshman has recently been heard to refer to ,Thucydides as a ‘“snoozer;"” and several members of the graduating class are suspected of writing Keramics witha C. One abandoned wretch, we learn, has even gone so far as to spell it with anS. Hence the coy unresponsiveness of the Boston maiden. Wit you take your weather all in a heap, or will you have it sorted out for you? KENTUCKY wants to revise its constitution. But unless they pat in an iron-bound clause making death the penalty for wearing the helmet hat, the labor of the legislators will have been vain and idle. THE INQUEST ON CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS. HE. majority of Puck's readers are pro- bably aware that a man named Christo- pher Columbus, who was tolerably well known ‘in discovery and exploring circles, is dead. It was reported to the health officer that the usual coroner's inquest would not be Held, if it could possibly be avoided, by throw- ing dust (not the dust of Mr. Columbus) in the eyes of the authorities. The health officer, determined that there should be no evasion of the law, ordered the remains of Christy to be seized. He was only just in time, for Lieute- nant-Colonel Don Jesus Maria Castillo, who hails from the city of St. Domingo, was just about disposing of them to Barnum, who had made arrangements for the construction of an- other prehistoric stone man, which was to be found in the tertiary deposits of Baxter and Roosevelt Streets, and then exhibited to the public at the Aquarium at a dollar a head. Coroner Croker took charge of the case, and a jury of experts having been empanneled they went to view what there was of the alleged dis- coverer, which was lying in the Heradd office, on one of Stanley’s maps—the building having been politely placed at the disposal of the authorities by the enterprising proprietor: of that journal, who, bearing the triumphs of Stan- ley in mind, doesn’t object to small rivals get- ting a little show. Coroner Croker opened the proceedings by informing the jury that they must arrive at some conclusion as to the manner in which this man Caratophes Columbus came by his death —if he was dead at all. He (Mr. Croker) had an intense regard for human life, so much so that whenever he saw one of them whose de- meanor did not please, he quietly and without delay put a bullet through him asa mild hint to those who would be resi and wander about expressing absurd opinions on all kinds of sub- jects. . The first witness examined, was a person called Vasco px Gama, who testified he was in the habit of doubling capes and that sort of thing. He believed that there was such a per- son as the deceased, but wouldn’t swear to it. Mr. Ferpinanp, of the noted firm of Ferdi- nand & Isabella, deposed that he had made some small advances to the man Columbus to enable him to paddle about in the water; he never expected to see a red cent of the money again. Henry M. Sranzey had often heard of Christopher, who, he was not aware, had ever crossed Africa, consequently he couldn’t amount to much anyhow. He thought he could recognize Columbus's shin-bone, it was quite different from other shin-bones. A gentleman named Mr. Marco Polo was examined, but his evidence threw no light on the subject. A number of other witnesses also gave testimony, but it only corroborated that of the preceding ones. The fury retired and soon after brought in a verdict of “Died through discovering America.” A Sun reporter visited the Brooklyn Bridge long after midnight during the recent storm, and heard ‘‘a roaring, as of a tornado rushing through a mighty forest; a sound as of escap- ing steam, similar to that made by steamers relieving their surcharged boilers; a clear, clapping sound, coming seemingly from a pair of huge castanets, far up in the air.” And finally, in the medley, his ears “caught a suc- cession of weird, musical whistles, as though a colossal wolian harp were being twanged by unseen giant hands”; and then he’ saw a pink boa-constrictor wind itself about the upper cables of the bridge, while a pea-green Zebra emerged wobblingly from chaos, and struck for his boots; and then the officer took him in. COMicbooKs.c om