Puck — January 9, 1878 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PU CK. No. 13 North William Street, New York. FOR SALE BY ALL NEWS DEALERS. Terms Jo Suascrimers. ‘One Copy one year, or $2 numbers. ‘One Copy, six months, or 26 cum! Ove Copy for thirteen weeks... Postace Fens. “PUCK’S ALMANAC FOR 1878. THE MOST REMARKABLE EVER ISSUED. JUST OUT! ConTaininc: (But why should the contents be thus pub- licly exposed?) Price 15 Cents. For Sate EVERYWHERE, RUSSIA'S GENEROSITY. ‘Tue Great Russian Bear is gloating over the signal success he has achieved, and is now oc- cupied in making up his mind what to do with the spoils—that is, when he gets them. The Bear is neither an honorable nor a gen- erous individual, and the misgoverned pro- vinces of Turkey who are likely to be at his tender mercies will find themselves out of the frying-pan into the fire. All the satisfaction that Servia, Montenegro, Bosnia, Herzegovina and Bulgaria will get out of Russia will be the same kind of treatment that the brutal Bear administered to Poland and Circassia. Puck hasn't forgotten this, although the memory of some of his contemporaries, who have Russia on the brain, is lamentably short in this respect. There is nothing—absolutely nothing to command the admiration of Americans in Rus- sia, or Russian Institutions. ‘The so-called sympathy that is said to exist, is nothing more than an indirect Slap by some soreheads at Great Britain, who, with her en- ormous interests at stake, will not permit semi- barbarous Russia_to play ducks and drakes with her Eastern Empire, so dearly bought. As for Turkey, no man in his senses looks upon her with anything but contempt, but Russia, who makes so many pretensions to civilization, is even less entitled to respect. ELY AGAINST ELY. Mayor Ety bids fair to prove the most in- efficient of the numerous apologies for muni- cipal officers with which our city continues to be inflicted. He does not appear to know his own mind for five consecutive minutes, All the talk about a new and proper order of things under his administration has vanished into thin air. There ought to have been no question as to the immediate dismissal of the Police Com- missioners. They had proved their utter incompetency for their position, and no course was left but to send them about their business. In a case of this kind to hear what they had to say in their defense was worse than useless. What extraordinary pressure has been brought to bear that this sapient Mayor of ours finds that there is no fault to be found with these Jacks in office? To an intelligent foreigner the examination of our wonderful system of city government would afford a most interesting study, if he could only manage ‘to. understand ’-the princi- ples on which it is conducted. We confess that we do not know, and despair of ever being able to, | . The spectacle of the Mayor of the most im- portant city of this continent, making serious and well founded charges against his subordi- nates, and then quietly taking them all back without turning a hair, is certainly amusing in the extreme. Without depreciating ourselves as a nation, we doubt if such a thing could occur anywhere else but in the United States. We might also say a great deal about the Mayor and his Excise Commissioners—but cut bono? ‘The situation may be summed up ina few words. The chief magistrate is grossly igno- rant of the laws governing his position, and what is more will not take the necessary trouble to become acquainted with their provisions. The sooner Mayor Ely ‘steps down and out” the better it will be for New York. Pos- sibly he means well—but his best friencs cannot but admit that he is an egregious failure. In the face of this painful state of things, we must begin to look upon the prospect of good government for the city of New York as al- most hopeless. Puckerings. Firty THousanp Dottar Murpuy can hardly be called a small potato. Wuicn is the best street in New York fora dancing school? Wall street, of course. ANoTHeER big broker named Bonner Forgot his engagements to honor; Although gilt-edged rated, He re-hypothecated, And now is that broker a goner. Ar the next session of the legislature we shall hear the clerk reading “A Nack entitled a Nack to authorize the building of a parlor ex- tension to Sing Sing prison, for the special use of high-toned defaulters.” The standard of high-tonedness will be fixed at $1,000,000... Wuen you hear the invalid’s voice saying: “ Bridget, bring a gallon of water and two gob- lets, and a tea-spoon,” you may stake your re- putation that there is a homccopathic doctor in the house, and that he is going to résort to des- perate remedies, and administer the ten-thou-4 sandth part of a grain of magnesia, by way of stamping out the disease and generally toning up the system. Mr. Joun Wetsu’s purchase of a diorama and a stereopticon, for presentation to the city of Philadelphia, has impelled someone to quote from Mark Twain to the effect that our Minis- ter to England is a good many different kinds of an ass. We can cordially endorse the idea. For variegated multitudinousness of assininity, we think Mr. Welsh has the call on the uni- verse. His Hointss THE Pore has been confer- ring some new hats on several distinguished ec- clesiastics. The reason is obvious. These gentlemen had laid a wagerwith Pio Nono that he wasn’t going to the happy hunting ground byan express train, and have won. As an hon- orable sportsman, he couldn’t do less than pay up with a good grace. A MAN named Pictet has invented a machine that freezes water into solid: artificial ide at the ‘rate of a ton an hour, and he is show- ing it to the New York ice-dealers. We don't wish to discourage Pictet: let him enjoy his love of triumph now; but wait till the spirit of rivalry is. stirred in the “breast of Charles Francis Adams, and the bully boy of Boston arises in all the might of his. frigidity. So-Cotumsus is not to be canonized after all. To discover a new world, was a very creditable proceeding, but it was not one of heroic Christian virtue. Besides Christopher used to go on a “tear” sometimes, and it is feared f he were admitted to the saintly com- pany who are having such a glorious time in heaven, he would scandalize them by his un- seemly behavior. A crocopiLe watched a small boy who sat injudiciously near him on the bank of the river. The small boy was eating a piece of bread. He was hungry. The crocodile was also hungry. On perceiving this sympathetic bond between their natures, the crocodile was moved to tears. “Poor boy,” he said, “ you want your break- fast. Sodol. Yet why should I deprive you of your bread, which you eat with so much re- lish? Iwill not. But your legs—you cannot eat them. 1 will eat them for you.” Q. F. D. Quod fuit demonstrandum. Some anonymous individual announces that the people of the United States use daily eight tons of paper collars. We do not understand this, The man with the paper collar is an out- cast from society. He is never seen on the street or in the parlor. What, then, does he do with all the collars? Does he eat them? Is it possible that there is growing up among the youth of this vast country a morbid appetite— a mad craving —for paper collars as an article of diet? This thing must be looked into. “Lire begins,” said the parson to the young man, ‘with renunciation. You have just come of age. Signalize the occasion by some act of self-sacrifice. When you were a child, you thought as a child, you spake as a child. But when you come to man’s estate, you must put away the things of childishness. Begin to-day, and put away some indulgence, some luxury. Put away smoking—or better still, put away beer.” “Twill,” said the young man, much affected, ““T will! My true friend—you have set my feet in the right path. Come ahead.” And the parson girded up his loins, and the twain went out, and the beer was put away. Wronc makes the worthless wealthy, Time shows him up at last— Bring all things held unhealthy, Bring all things counted fast, Where, ‘gainst itself divided— Look on it an thou wilt— Stands, of all men derided, The house that Vander built. Bring men who pawn their breeches And spout their wives’ attire, Bring men of ill-got riches, And set the lot on fire. And let the Lethean waters Upon the ash be spilt Of all its sons and daughters— The house that Vander built.