Puck — January 9, 1878 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. x3 Astronc woman—a shop-lifter.— Mysterious ' Joker. Tue latest out—the hired girl._— Unknown Paragrapher. Hayes will date all his letters thus—’78.— Worcester Press. 2 ‘THE hornet belongs to the powers that bee. —Danielsonville Sentinel. Wuen is a mother a father? When she’s a sigher.— Undiscovered Conundrumist. Wuat salve has the best effect on chapped lips? Lips-have, of course.—Fhila. Bultetin. Bapy-sHows have proved disastrous ever since the one King Herod inaugurated.— Cin. Sat. Night. * Av early settler—the man who pays for his hotel lodging before going to bed.— sat Con- tributor. Tue “ Private Dalzell” and the “ Veritas” are the new fashions in waste-baskets.—C.-/. Small Tatk. ‘THe weather this winter has proved a terrible strain on the memory of the oldest inhabitant. —Rome Sentinel. Ir is the beetle-browed man who has the best success in wedging his way through a crowd.— Griswold of Cincinnati, SILENCE is not always golden. ‘The oyster is continually getting into broils and stews. — New Orleans Picayune. RaILROAD men may not always be good dan- cers, but they are very skillful on a brake-down. —Danielsonville Sentinel. Let Murphy keep on in the way he is going, and he will eventually filla reformed drunkard’s grave.— Cin. Sat. Night. Ir we keep on turning out West Point officers we shall have to enlist a private for alot of them to command.— A. Y. Herald. Tue days of knighthood have passed away, yet about every tramp you meet is encased in a coat of alms.— Fat Contributor. Poker is a school for the emotions, enabling a man to hold a flush without showing it in his face.— North Faw-Paw Compendium. A New Orteans minister is worth half a million dollars. There are no camels or needle- eyes in his sermons, rest assured.— Cin. Star. Wuen the landlady discovered that her boarders were dropping off, the burden of her song became: “ Nothing but leaves.”— Uniden- tified Ex. In behalf of Francis Murphy, we ask why barbers can’t put a little extra powder on the end of a man’s nose without being told to do so ?— Oil City Derrick. “It seems appropriate,” said the officiating clergyman, “‘ that we should sing ‘I would not live alway.’ It was a great favorite of the re- mains.” — Boston Globe. A uittLe child of our acquaintance thinks that “God must be glad when prayer-meeting night comes, ‘cause he hears such lots of news."—Zurner’s Falls Reporter. A Natcuez wig-maker, named Giles, trusts his customers, but when they don’t settle according to agreement Giles Natchez ’em bald-headed.— Cincinnati Griswold. Ir Adam could have been a boy once, and had a happy home in which to hang up his Christmas stockings, he might have become a better man.— New Orleans Picayune. Rapuits are dying of cholera in Kentucky. —Exchange. They're evidently changing their ‘abbits in Kentucky. It used to be whiskey; now they call it cholera.— Phil. Bulletin. Tue leader always wears the best clothes, but the man who pounds the bass-drum in a brass- band always looks as though he arranged all the musi¢ and taught the band.— Hawkeye, Tue Episcopal divine, Canon Farrar, of Westminster Abbey, expresses a disbelief in hell, but if you adopt his views you may go Farrar and fare worse.— Cin. Sat, Night. In the bright new American Cyclopedia there’s no such word as “Hell.” Is this a con- spiracy to defraud the American people out of its latest inalienable grievance?—, Y. Worid. Mrs. Nickett, of Kentucky, has just pre- sented her husband with the twenty-first pledge of her fidelity. The region ought to be well- supplied with small change.— Unknown Ex. We learn from the daily press that Harriet Beecher Stowe isin Florida. ‘The report leaves us in harassing doubt as to where the rest of the lady's body is located.—Stamford Advocate. A Nevapa husband thinks twice now before undertaking to whip his wife. ‘The Legislature has ordered the erection of whipping-posts where wife-beaters are to be punished.— Cin. Sat. Night. Tue model husband has been found in Albany. He don't permit his wife to do more than half the work. She puts up the canned fruit in summer, and he puts it down in winter. —Stray Squib. Wasuincton didn’t object to titles. ‘ His Excellency” always seemed to please him, but could he see the monument that is erected for him he would be disgusted with His Eminence. —Saturday Night. Tis is the season when the old maid with small conscience and big appetite selects her thinnest string of dried apples to present her favorite dominie in return for a $4 supper.— Rhinebeck Gazette. “Te those women,” remarks the Elmira Ad- vertiser, speaking of a troupe of ‘Thompsonian dancers, “think this is August, they are very much mistaken.” Volumes could not say more. —Rochester Democrat. A MaN is trying to invent a gravy-bowl that will not break when a woman throws it at her husband's head. There has been too much crockery broken in this Christian nineteenth century.—Stray Squib. How do you know the man is crazy?” asked the superintendent of the asylum as the editor was brought in. ‘‘ Because he has been credit- ing paragraphs to the Globe- Democrat,” was the reply.— Dexter Smith's. AN inquisitive boy in Iowa wished to hear how bird shot sounded when it whizzed out of the muzzle of a gun. Hereafter he will travel through this beautiful world ornamented with a leather ear.— Rockland Courier. In Paris a great deal is expected of a police- man. If he gets drunk twice he loses his place. —£x. That’s easy enough to get around. Let him get drunk once and keep half drunk the rest of the time.— Cin. Sat, Night. AMAN who thought he would present his wife with material for a new dress was somewhat sur- prised to see the dealer slip the cloth in an envelope and say he would have the buttons sent right up in a dray.— Worcester Fress. “ Mark ‘Twatn " introduced Mr. Howells to a Hartford lecture audience by saying that it was unnecessary to speak of his literary reputa- tion; he was merely there to back up the moral character of Mr. Howells.—. #. Courier. Tue Colorado petrification has arrived at | the New York Aquarium. ‘The coroners are bidding for the remains in order to secure an all-winter’s job in ascertaining what the old stone thing died of. —Brooklyn Union- Argus. HAS MYTHOLOGY NO RIGHTS THAT THE “ HAWK- EYE" IS BOUND TO RESPECT? “Andromache,” said megas koruthiolos Hec- tor as he lifted the infant Astyanax to his well- greaved knee and searched his vest-pocket for a gum-drop, ‘‘ Andromache, wilt listen?” And the wife of the Trojan hero sat down on his plumed helmet with a jook of ineffable ten- derness and replied: “Wilt.” “Then,” said the vanquisher of Patroclus, “‘why is your name like the first experience of our little Astyanax with green apples?” A puzzled look o’erspread the features of the fair Andromache, and she sweetly murmured: “T pass.” “ Because,” replied the Hellenic warrior and friend of Achilles, “ because it—(here he placed. Astyanax on the floor and cautiously retreated toward the open door)—because it ends in ache.” — Hawkeye. Senators Blaine and Conkling stood before the clerk’s desk, looking bright and happy, and talking animatedly. ‘Senator David Davis came up,” says a dispatch to the 7Zyibune, “and, putting an arm around each, stood there for several minutes, and until everybody on the floor and in the galleties had noticed the un- usual and friendly meeting.” It was very pa- thetic. Mr. Blaine was fooling with one of the buttons of Mr. Conkling’s coat at the time, looking affectionately into his face, and invol- untarily snuggling up to him, “Are you sure you forgive me?” he said timidly. “Why, of course!” was the hearty response. “You timid little thing! I forgave you long since.” “Dear, dear!” remarked Mr. Blaine, clap- ping his hands; “ this is so nice! I must write and tell aunty all about it.” “You refer to Gail Hamilton?” inquired Mr. Conkling, with some coldness. - “Why, yes," said Mr. Blaine. “Why do you speak so icily? Do you not like her?” “T do not!” said Mr. Conkling, stoutly; “she talks too much, She gets out of her sphere. She annoys. I think nothing would give that woman greater pleasure than to scratch somebody.” ‘There was a very noticeable coolness between the two; but at this moment the large and fa- therly gentleman from Illinois came up, and, letting a tear drop, joined the hands of the two, and said, “Bless ye, my children.” “Ts this a third party ?” inquired Mr. Conk- ling, drawing himself up haughtily. “No, dear,” replied Mr. Blaine, looking roguish, ‘‘it is only a second—are we not one?” “In that case,” said Mr. Conkling, with dig- nity, “‘it’s all right. You will excuse my appa- rent caution; but it is necessary just now for us to avoid all entangling alliances.” “Very well, dear,” said Mr. Blaine, with gentle confidence; ‘“ You know best, I am sure.” And the Christmas sun was shining brightly and the Christmas bells were ringing far and near.— Rochester Dem. Aw Irishman, fresh from the old country, saw a turtle for the first time and at once made up his mind to capture it. The turtle caught him by the finger, and he, holding it at arm’s length, said, ‘Faith, and ye had better let loose the howlt ye have, or I'll kick ye out of the very box ye sit in, be jabers.”—Stray Sguib. “<1 senp you up for two weeks,” remarked the judge, looked at a seedy tramp before him. “Thank you, Judge,” replied the tramp, “that just suits me. I've got an engagement out in Chicago three weeks from to-day, and this'll just give me time to keep it.”— Commer- cial Catlin, : comicbooks.com