Puck — January 2, 1878 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. 13 ‘Tue horse-shoe done in flowers seems to be supplanting the time-honored floral bell at wed- dings.—£x. But it has a shoddy look.—Phila. Bulletin, Du Cuattuu says that on the equator he saw the thermometer 159 in the shade. That's the Ne Plus Sultry of warm weather.—JV. Y. Com. Advertiser. Tue terrible duel between Conkling and Gordon will go down in history as a compa- nion to that crimson affair of Bennett and May.—Norr. Herald. Mr. Bow es threatens to go back on his ante-mortem eulogists, by getting out of bed again. It will be a pleasant sort of obitu- arising. — Phil. Bulletin, ‘Tue study of keramics is a modern intellec- tual struggle to find out what sort of pictures ancient Egyptians had on their shaving-mugs. — New Orleans Picayune. A WHITEHALL youngster says he hasn't much reverence for royal persons, for ever since his his dad whaled him, he has to sit on the prints of whales.— Whitehall Times. Day before yesterday a man in New York died so suddenly that the body was almost cold before. the distracted and grief-stricken rela- tives found the will:—Hawkeye. A GerMan_ author has written a work called “ Kisses and Kissing.” He should have had an assistant. Two heads are better than one at such work.—Norristown Williams. Jonatuan and David were pretty thick, but beside Blaine and Conkling, now that the hatchet is buried, Jonathan and David are mere cats and dogs.— Chicago Times. Rutnersorp B. Hayes is probably the lone- somest man this country ever saw.— Rochester Democrat. That's what comes of trying to be an honest Republican. — Worcester Fress. Tue young man now counteth his dimes and resolveth to remain single another year, while the over-confident maiden sigheth and keepeth late hours in the meantime.—KAinebeck Gasette, You can't always tell where the compensa- tions of nature do come in. Here diphtheria is withering the rose-buds; over in Hohokus, Jersey, the epidemic is twins.—Wilkesbarre Record. 4 We predict next summer.—Graphic. O, you do, ch? We predicted last summer—but our prediction was not fulfilled. We forget, too, what it was we predicted.— Morristown Herald. Ir Senator David Davis's parents had known what he was going to weigh, they wouldn't have been so stingy about piecing up a front name for him out of the family title.—Phi/a, Bulletin. Wivx1z Cottns’s last story is called ‘My Lady's Money.” In this country it would have been, “‘ Mother-in-law Has Got the Stamps,” or “The Old Woman is Well-Heeled.” —Break- fast Table. A CORRESPONDENT writes to inquire why a cat always begins devouri:.g mice at the head? It is probably so that the animal-may reserve * the: tail to the last to pick its teeth with.— Whitehall Times. “Five dollar men’s overcoats!” shouts a down-town tailor store. We didn’t know that a five-dollar man could afford an overcoat un- less some ten-dollar man gave it to him.—£as- ton Free Press. Don’t give your girl a watch, Because the old folks will make her wear it, and inquire with great carefulness what time you went home Sunday night.—Personal Experience of Rock- land Paragrapher. AHonoxvs man who has become the father of twins says that he wishes to preserve the double standard.— WV. Y. Herald, Itisn’t likely that anybody will want to take them at their par value.— Worcester Press. Wuen a boy, a snow-shovel, and a drifted side-walk come together, the bright lexicon of youth contains the word ‘‘ Fail" printed on the | title-page in letters big enough for a minstrel- show poster.— Rome Sentinel. Younc man, go West. Goto Nevada, where, when you take a girl to spelling-school, you have to ride twenty-five miles, and she expects you to keep your arm around her all the way. — Unknown Sentimentalist. Tue other morning a Burlington saloon- keeper fell down-stairs with a terrible crash. And a disciple of Professor Tice looked at the groaning man and said calmly, ‘The back of the vintner is broken.” — Hawkeye. NoTHING so grieves the heart of the Sunday school Arab as to learn that the Christmas fes- tivals of the three schools he has managed to hold a membership in for the past few weeks occur on the same night.— Yonkers Gazette. Wuen Gen. Butler sets his hat in the aisle in: Congress members never kick it, no matter how strong the temptation to do so may be. They: either go around, jump over, or creep under it. His hat is full of bricks, you know.— Norristown Herald, ‘THe Government has paid Dr. Mary Walker $900 for services not rendered as clerk in the ‘Tteasury Department. The doctor says the’ three p's—pluck, perseverance and pantaloons —are bound to win every time.—- Norristown Herald. A MILBURN woman was so astonished the other day when her husband brought her home athirty-dollar bonnet, that it was an hour before she could open her mouth, because she couldn't remember the combination.— Herald P. /. Man in a Spasm, “Tue Japanese have no cuss words in their language.” After seventeen futile attempts to get the joints of a stove-pipe to fit, the indig- nant Jap goes out and bumps his head against a post, kicks a hairless dog twenty-seven times around the yard, and then—feels better.— Norr, Herald, St Louis is to have a ten-foot high statue of Shakspere. The city fathers merely asked the sculptor if the deceased Shakspere was a Chicago man, and when he said “no,” they replied, “ All right, sculp. the old stat."—De- troit Free Press. A CONTEMPORARY advises: “Never call a man a fool.” This is pretty good advice. It is much safer to conceal yourself behind a tree-box, and hit the man a heavy rap on the head with a base-ball bat as he goes by.—Aor- ristown Herald, Wuen M. Thiers was a young man he wrote a complete-work on spherical trigonometry. How many young men are there in Danbury who have written a complete work on spherical trigonometry? We venture not twenty. For shame!—Danbury News. Here is another warning. - Frank’ Hanly, a policeman of New York, has’ mysterion disappeared.” So they say, but there doesn’t seem to be much mystery about it. On the day of his disappearance his wife gave birth to twins.— Norristown Herald, “ Newark LaDy "—We cannot write you a funny motto for your church fair department. But we can give you some advice. Put your pen-wipers, wax dolls, dressing-gowns and pin- cushions into the oyster stew kettle, and make your food rich.—J. ¥, Herald. Tue New York Zribune thinks that the Pres- ident “cannot afford to be supported b mocrats.”” It looks more and'more as though the Democrats would be compelled to sustain him in that line of economy.—Worcester Press. ‘THERE were only seventy cats at Philadel- phia’s recent cat-show. The other 7,000,547 were sitting on back-fences and sheds o' nights growling at the small amount of the premiums offered, and discussing methods to avert the dangers threatened by the lively sausage sea- son.— Norristown Herald. ‘Tue lawyer, perceiving that his eloquence had put the court to sleep, stops speaking, and the silence naturally awakens the judges. He continues his argument, saying: ‘ And now let me return to the point that endeavored to make clear to your honors yesterday.” The judges stare at each other and are perfectly convinced that they have lost a whole night of his speech.— Stray Squid. Every home is as full of mystery mow as market mince-meat, but on Christmas morning, when the head of the family finds.a pair of slippers two sizes too small for him, wedged into his shees, and a blue-nosed dog modeled into a pen-wiper tumbles out of his hat, he will understand then that the significant looks be- tween his wife and daughter all this while only .; indicated that they were skirmishing around to promote his happiness.— Cincinnati Breakfast | Table, Wives of great men all remind us We can make our wives sublime, And departing, leave behind us Widows worthy of our time. Therefore give your wife a send-off By the life-insurance plan; Fix her so that when you end off She can scoop another man. — Washington Chronicle, ‘There was a proud statesman named Conkling, With a hatred to which he did long cling. He hated bold Blaine - From the state known as Maine; But they're solid once more— Blaine and Conkling. —Who says the Worcester Press can't finda rhyme to Conkling ? Tue December number of the Casket, a journal for undertakers, is well filled with cheer ful reading about cremation, latest new thing in hearses, tombstones, and so forth. Young man, if you are looking for a suitable Christmas Present for your rich but feeble uncle in the country, perhaps you can’t do better than. to cheer his declining years with a year’s subscrip- tion to the Casket.—Norr. Herald. It seems to be the ambition ofall young wives to look well when any one calls. Yester- day a South Side bride heard a ring at the front door. The maid was out and she rushed up stairs to “fix up” a little before admitting the caller. There was a moment of lightning work before the dressing case. Quicker than it takes us to tell it, a ribbon was fastened’ at her throat, a flower stabbed into her hair, a flash of powder on her face, aud she was at the door, alf smiles and blushes. The gentleman said he had walked from Memphis and couldn't remember that he had tasted food since he left Cincinnati.— Os City Derrick. 5 You've noticed, boys, that the paper that can’t command a paragrapher of its own steals all its squibs from the papers that support tho - indispensable adjuncts of nineteent-ce:..ury journalism,.and then handsomely dev_tes its narrow mind and doubtful wit to sarcastic al- lusions to the sources from whence it obtains the most interesting matter that appears in its columns.— Rockland Courier. comicbooks.com