Puck — December 26, 1877 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. “PUCK’, No. 13 North William Street, New York. FOR SALE BY ALL NEWS DEALERS. Jenms To Susscripers. Ove Copy one year, or $2 numbers ‘One Copy, six months, or 26 numbers, One Copy for thirteen weeks... Postace Fran. PUCK’S ALMANAC—1878. Mr. Puck has the honor to announce to his readers and the public that he has issued an Almanac for the year 10000000000000000008, according to Lyell and Darwin, but more popu- larly known as 1878. Mr. Puck's almanac is the only reliable one ever published. It is a Bible, prayer-book, cyclopedia, and guide to poker in one volume, indeed is a library in itself, much less could a library be complete without it. Unlike other works of this character, Puck's Almanac will contain absolutely nothing new. It is the worst Almanac ever printed. Price 1s cents. For sale everywhere. THE HUG OF THE BEAR. Russia of late has been rather sitting on the turbaned Turk. This was not unexpected de- spite the bravery of the Turkish troops. Heaven, as Napoleon said, is usually on the side of the heaviest artillery, and this campaign has proved no exception to the rule. Puck, as a right-thinking American citizen, has supreme contempt for both belligerents. ‘Turkey is wretchedly corrupt, and has reached the lowest depth of degration as a nation. Any sympathy between semi-barbarous Russia and civilized America is as much out of place, as good feeling between a wolf and a lamb. Russia is the last country in the world that ought to presuine to talk or act about freedom, after the atrocious cruelties perpetrated under the name of government on people who have the misfortune to be under her subjection. Thus far has she gone in her aggressive march, and must go no further. This Eastern question is to be settled by the great civilized powers of Europe—not by a rutal Nation which is justly detested and con- temned by all mankind whose opinion is worth anything. AND now three young men shall meet to- gether on the midnight following the first day of the year, and one shall say unto the other: “Lo! Ihave called upon six score and five young maidens this day.” And the other shall make answer and say: ‘Go to now, for I have seen thy six score and five and have gone it ten better.” But the third man shall say noth- ing, nay, rather shall he ignore the subject and preach the gospel of snakes to them that listen. SomeTHING must be done. Either we must have a new extra Fourth of July, or else some other system of decimation must be put into immediate execution, There is no skating so far this year, and no check whatever on the appalling growth and multiplication of the small boy. WHEN one mania dies out, another travels in. Now they are having dancing matches one after another. They'll rush things until they’ve had a quadrillion, and then something else will waltz to the front. Purkerings. Now sprout diaries. Tue Baltimorean remarks: ‘‘the Old Year has left us, and now we have the New yere.” Tue helmet hat was born ripe for shooting, and has no rights which an outraged populace is bound to respect. Beecuer says it is not his fault that he go, into the Church. It is not his fault that he didn’t get out of it long ago. Wuat is it that weighs down our minds with an indefinite sense of gloom and melancholy? Is it that we are awaiting the solemn dawn of another year? Is it the result of the Christmas mince-pie? "Tis Augustus Adolphus de Toots Writes down his New Year's resolutes. Ere the morrow is over, He'll wake to discover He meandered to bed in his boots. He gave his youngest son a box of tools and a quart bottle of mucilage. And now he thinks it is his turn to treat himself. He is treating himself to a new carpet, a parlor table, several rolls of wall-paper, and a yard section of rattan. AccorDING to our brilliant contemporary, the Sun, ex-Governor Hayes of Ohio was pres- ent at the Union League Club reception. Has Christmas had the effect of softening Dana’s heart or has that electrotype of Fraud been mislaid? Mr. VaNDYKE, who was recently hanged at Canton, N. Y., for wife-murder, requested the sheriff to turn him off at eleven o’clock, in order that he might get to his destination in time for dinner. From this speech, and from the awful nature of the crime of which he was uilty, it is safe to infer that Vandyke had boarded, “ Loox simply at the circulation of the blood,” he said, ‘see what a wonderful light modern scientific analysis has thrown on the composition of those incalculably minute par- ticles which we call the porcuscules—I mean the pro—the corcuspules—the prucus—the copruscules—the—slash it all, boys, what'll you take?” THE SECOND OF JANUARY. Oh for the soothing of Seltzer Water! Oh for the blessing and balm of her! When D. T. is born of despair for a daughter, And mouth and tongue are as fire and fur. Come with wires loose in a bottomless bottle, Liquid most lovely, lemon or plain— All we stretch hands to thee, hail thee as what'll Save us and set us erect again. Since the temperance reformers have under- taken the charge of public morality and pri- vate conscience, a fellow isunder no obligations to make New Year's resolutions. But if the young man of the period wants to make his annual vows, the usual formula should be changed to read: ‘I hereby promise not to frequent back-yards, wood-sheds, coal-cellars or other gilded halls of vice and dissipation, during the year 1878.” OYSTER SALOON OF THE PERIOD. Visrror—‘“‘ Half-shell Blue Points and a bottle of Lager.” Warrter (with wink)—‘ Shell Blue Points and a cupper corfee!” Tuus offspring exhibition business is having its demoralizing influence on the infancy of America, Scarcely has a young blossom grown old enough to give its parental sire a nickname, before it demands, in a lusty and emphatic yell, to be taken to the Baby-Show. Tue interior view of the late Mr. Vanderbilt, as afforded by the will-suit, was not, so to speak, entirely edifying. But the disemboweling of Cornelius J. on the witness-stand gives us an opportunity to remark that the latter gentleman does not pan out any better on spiritual than his father did on physical inwardness. IS THERE A SANGUINARY PANDEMONIUM ¢ y RUE believers, at the present time, are much exercised as to the doubts that are being thrown on the existence of hell. Is this institution, the most fondly cherished of all our articles of belief, to be ruthlessly swept away ? Puck is not surprised that the pious souls, especially those of the Case and Gilman type, who have been so sedulously cultivating and developing the qualities necessary to secure them admission to the fireand brimstone head- quarters, should become alarmed at the thought of being left out in the cold. Now Puck is too modest to take a promi- nent part in this discussion, although he knows of none more eminently fitted to set the matter at rest; but he has no objection just to tell what he knows about hell, provided that it will not be looked at as an interference with the gentlemen who are engaged in the church and religious business, whose special province it is to be posted in these things. It is a source of deep sorrow to Puck that he is compelled to differ from his dearly be- loved brother Henry of Plymouth, who swears by several deities that there is no such place. It is Pandemonium when you're about to dress for a reception where you are to meet Arabella, to find your washerwoman hasn't brought home your clean shirt. It is Avernus when you're getting a five-cent shine in a retired street, with your trousers tucked up, to have the fashionable Mrs. Shoddy- whiskey sweep by with her darling Gwendo- line, the heiress to old S-w’s millions. It is Tartarus when the thermometer is at zero, and you've a tolerably comfortable seat ina car, and have nothing but a five-dollar bill to pay your five cent fare with. It is his Satanic Majesty to settle with, and not sufficient caloric in the pitch, when you've spent all your loose cash, live on a tifth floor flat, and have left your night-key in your old coat, remembering all these things when you reach your apartment house at 3 a. M., and find the-outer street-door closed, and the prospect of a night’s lodging ina police station or on the cold, cold ground. It is particular Hades when you find that some fellow at a hat-check hop has walked off with your new overcoat, value fifty dollars, made to cut a figure on the Avenue, and left in its stead an old one, value five dollars. It is Erebus when you come home to dinner, having purposely forgotten to purchase those theatre-tickets to take your wife to that wonder- ful play. And, lastly, it is —— and Blazes when you want a copy of Puck, and not one to be had at the news-stand for love or money. —— comichooks,