Puck — December 19, 1877 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. II MR. SIMPKINS’S DOWNFALL. (Boucicaulted from the New York Times.) J */{ AN is the only animal that wears short sve] socks. This is not only a more accurate &S~ definition than any hitherto devised by scientific persons, but it shows the inferiority of man to all other animals, and ought to have even more effect in humbling our wicked pride than has the famous story of the little girl who was excessively proud of her silk dress until she was told that it was spun, woven, cut out, made up, and trimmed by a loathsome worm, ‘The great trouble with this short sock is that it will not keep its place. There being nothing whatever to hold it, the force of gravitation necessarily dr gs it down about the ankle. This causes an amount of misery which is appalling. ‘There is no man who can feel any confidence in his socks. Whether he is walking or sitting, he knows that his socks are slowly but surely slipping down. Garters being out of the ques- tion, since the shortness of the sock does not permit a garter to be placed in a position where it will not slip, there is absolutely no remedy for what we may fairly call the giant evil of the age. Pins and mucilage have both been tried by desperate men, but they have both proved use- less, and have merely added to the misery of the user. In these circumstances there is nothing left for man to do except to bear the sock in silence, or to boldly cast it aside and adopt the full grown stocking. The latter alternative was recently chosen by that eloquent but unfortunate clergyman, Rev. Charles Simpkins, of Westbridge, Pa. Until the catastrophe which has lately overtaken him, the Church did not possess a more popular and promising young clergyman. He could repeat the opening exhortation all the way from “Dearly beloved” to “forgiveness for ,the same,” without once pausing for breath, and it has been asserted that he could monotone the entire Apostles’ Creed while breathing only three times. As he was unmarried, and not yet twenty-seven years old, he was regarded with peculiar reverence by the unmarried ladies of nis parish, and he received more annual slippers than any other clergyman in the United States. ‘Neatness was one of the distinguishing charac- teristics of Mr. Simpkins, and there are probably few men who have suffered more keenly from short socks. When walk'ng through the village. he was in continual dread lest his socks should descend into public view, and even while preaching his most eloquent sermons, the per- spiration would gather on his brow as he felt one of his socks was gradually slipping down. ‘This wore upon him to that extent that his mas- sive intellect threatened to totter, and on the morning of the eighty-first Sunday after Trinity he deliberately paused, after remarking, “ here endeth"—and stooped down to repair damages. ‘That night he resolved that vigorous measures must be taken, and he accordingly wrote a con- fidential letter to his sister's husband, who re sided in this city, and inclosed all the necessary measurement. Shortly afterwards he received, ostensibly from the husband, but really from the affectionate sister, two dozen pair of Balbriggan hose, tog .ther with a pair of scarlet elastics an inch in width, and of precisely the right size. As soon as Mr. Simpkins had learned by re- peated experiment how to wear the scarlet appliances, his spirits began to rise. He was no longer a prey to doubt and despair. His stock- ings firmly kept their place, and he felt that he could even attend a church picnic and climb over a fence without fear of consequences. Accordingly, for the first time during his resi- dence at Westbridge, he consented to attend the Sunday-school picnic of the 21st of October last, and thereby filled with unuttérable delight the souls of all the unmarried teachers of the church, Mr. Simpkins being free from care, entered into the sports of the picnic with great zest, and the children insisted that he, together with their teachers, should take part in a game of blind man’s b ff. ‘he request was acceded to, and the usual running, laughing, and shrieking fol- lowed. It was while Mr. Simpkins was fleeing, in company with six excited teachers, from the pursuit of a blindfolded small boy, that he suddenly noticed that one of his elastics had become unclasped and had fallen to the ground. At the same moment it was perceived by the prettiest of the teachers, who made a frantic effort to seize it, but was anticipated by the un- happy clergyman. It was bad enough for him to know that the teacher had discovered his misfortune, but what was his horror and amaze- ment when, with every appearance of anger, she demanded that he should ‘hand her that" in- stantly, He was so astonished at her evident desire to make sport of him that he did not deign to answer her, but pzt the disputed article in his pocket and walked away. Whereupon the teacher burst into tears and informed her confidential friends that Mr. Simpkins had the inconceivable audacity to steal one of her—in fact, her private property. ‘The scandal spread rapidly and widely, and grew as rapidly as it spread. At the end of half an hour every lady at the picnic had cut the clergyman in the most marked manner. Burning with shame and indignation, he forgot to repair the deficiencies of his toilet, and went home feeling rather more crestfallen than did the prophet Daniel when he found that the lions would not recognize his existence. It was not until he was on the point of seeking a sleepless pillow that he discovered that both his scarlet elastics were in their proper place, while the one which he had picked up at the picnic lay on his table. The full horror of his situation flashed upon him. The teacher had really dropped a scarlet elastic, and he had seized it under the impression that it was his own, ‘The utter hopelessness of ever making any satisfactory explanation of the affair was only too apparent. Early the next morning Mr. Simpkins fled from Westbridge a ruined man. ‘The fatal articles which had caused his down- fall he left behind him, and they teach with mute but powerful eloquence the lesson that we should bear the socks we -have, and never dream of flying to stockings, of which we know nothing except by hearsay. Tue old gentleman went into the parlor the other night, at the witching hour of 11:45, and found the room unlighted and his daughter and a dear friend occupying a tete a tete in the corner by the window. “ Evangeline,” the old man said, “this is scandalous.” ‘‘ Yes, papa,” Sheanswered sweetly, “‘ this is candleless because times are so hard and lights cost so much, that Ferdinand and I said we should try and get along with the starlight.” And papa turned about in speechless amazement, and tried to walk out of the room through a panel in the wall-paper.— Ujijé Inkhorn. ‘THERE are some things about this tobacco question that would puzzle a Philadelphia law- yer. We give a pair of items, 1st. A young man in Wisconsin, aged sixteen, dropped sud- denly dead with paralysis, a few days ago, caused by excessive use of tobacco. 2d. A case is mentioned in New Jeisey of the death of an old pioneer, at the age of one hundred and eight, who had been an habitual user of tobacco forseventy years. ‘The moral suggested by these conflicting statements seems to be— that a man must use tobacco for seventy years if he would live to a ripe old age.— Cin. Bread- Sast Table. fo foaves and a fueea. AN ENGLISH STORY. Br FRANK BARRETT. (This Story was begun in No. ¢. Back Numbers can be obtained at the office of PUCK, 13 North William st. “ TT, i cept what I have read. It’s the thing, ™ I believe, to have a secvnd. Do you know anything about dueling ?” “Dueling!” echoed René, stopping dead short, and trembling in every limb. “Why, what is the matter, laddie?” cried Hugh, catching René by the arm, for it seemed as if the young fellow were falling. “I thought you Spaniards were fond of this kind of amuse- ment. How do you feel? ‘There's a seat yon- der. Shall I carry you, or do you feel stronger ?” “T can walk, thank you, signor,” said’ she. Yet very willingly would she have been lifted in those faithful arms. : Hugh put his arm round this trembling Span- iard, leading him to the seat; and when they were seated, he said: “Seconds don’t have to fight—at least not ac- cording to my knowledge. But if you fear the sight of a couple of rapiers crossed, you can keep out of the way. ‘There's no necessity for asecond. I shall do just as well without.”” “ Are you going to fight de Gaillefontaine?” asked René. « Yes,"" “Why ?” “ Because, as he very clearly showed me, though upon my word I couldn't exactly ex- plain it to you, as my cousin's champion I am compelled to.’ “With rapiers ?” “Yes, I suppose pistols would excite atten- tion,and so possibly prevent the victor making his escape. Besides, there is more risk with pistols, “Yes, to you,” said René, remembering Hugh's play. “How do you know that?” asked Hugh sharply. “Oh, you English are bad swordsmen, and this de Gaillefontaine was once a teacher of fencing. He has fought already.” “ That is fortunate for me. A clumsy fencer might have the ill luck to kill me; this man, for his own neck's sake, will be careful to wound me only. Hope he'll’ spare my right arm, or how the deuce shall I paint? I shall have to emulate the talented Miss Biffin, and use my toes.” In seasons of danger most men are lively; Hugh looked forward to the meeting, and amusement was his predominant sensation. René looked at him with astonishment. “Oh, but it is a folly to oppose yourself to one against whom you have no chance, It is altogether unfair.” “Not more unfair than taking the little beg- gar by the neck and throwing him into the river, and that is what I have promised to do if I have the chance.” “You have no chance. You are simply of fering your body for him to pass his sword through.” “That is not complimentary, sir. How can you tell that I am not a regular enfant terrible with the sword 2” “By your appearance. And you are going coolly to throw your life away for the sake of a girl that cares nothing for you.” “Ah, perhaps that is the reason.” “ Tell me, if you thought that beautiful René loved you deeply, or as faithfully and fully as your love her, would you be so careless of your life?” (conrixven.) KNOW nothing about these matters ex- comicbooks.com