Puck — October 3, 1877 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

WHAT GOETH ON AT PRESENT. ND now the foolish woman getteth her a seltzer-jug, and putteth pictures there- upon; yea, with decalcomanie doth she put small Dutch ‘pictures on it. And when it is done, she setteth it on the mantel in her best | room, where it may be seen of all men. And | when the husband of that woman returneth to | his home, he giveth her five dollars, that he | may take it to the uttermost part of the back- yard and cast it down, and annihilate that selt- | zer-jug forever. And the woman taketh the | price of her handiwork, and is content. For | she goeth up-stairs into the attic, and she layeth | her hand upon the blacking-jar, and she is con- | soled for the seltzer-jug that is not. | And in these days, moreover, the husband who is also a father ariseth about the seven- teenth hour of the night, and gocth unto the closet on the left-hand side of the chimney, and seeketh long for the bottle of goose-oil. And he findeth it not; nay, rather he setteth his foot upon a tack. And there is silence in heaven for the space of half an hour, and the | recording angel taketh down the remarks of that man in short-hand. And in these times shall it come to pass that | the fiaker who ath stood all summer on the sidewalk in Fourteenth Street returneth to his home in Chillicothe, and the place in the stock that knew him once knoweth him again. And he taketh a benefit, and he causeth his mana- ger to write upon his bills ‘‘ Late of the Union Square, New York.” And thereby he prevari- cateth, and saith the thing which is not true, and steepeth his soul in falsehood and iniquity. Yea, and in these days waltzeth the festive barber to the front. For when the summer was upon us, and it was exceeding hot, he kept an ice-cream saloon; and the young men and maidens met in his halls, and rejoiced and made merry, and said: ‘“ We will wed, and we twain will be one flesh, Selah!” And now he scrapeth the countenance of the young married man close, and he shingleth his hair, and he leaveth the smallest chance for a grip that may be. And by the like manner of good works | seeketh he to atone for the evil that was done at his hands. But it shall avail him not. And now, furthermore, when the winter is | come, the iniquitous bar-keeper, being pr incited by them that go up and down crying against wine and against strong drink, doth put ice over against his lager, and maketh it cold, that it chilleth the bowels of him that drinketh it. But there shall be no rest for that bar- keeper; neither in the heaven, nor on the earth, nor in the warm places under the earth. And his soul shall go down into outer darkness, and | be lost utterly, and no man shall look for it; and there shall be an end of that bar-keeper. Selah! And at this season doth the maiden from Vassar leave her home and return again unto the abode of wisdom. And the hand-maiden entereth into her chamber and gathereth up the chewing-gum that her mistress leaveth be- hind her, And of the fragments that remain shall she take up seven baskets-full, and with it one measure of hair-pins. And in these days one man goeth about through the land and mourneth, and refuseth comfort. He hideth himself in strange places, and he looketh not upon the face of his fellow. And all men shun him, and fly from him, and mock him, and cast him forth. For the curse of the straw-hat is upon him; and he shooteth 4 not, for he hath no money wherewith to shoot. A orion is in order for the annihilation of the street-car conductor who, when you get into the car with a young lady, takes your quarter with a demoniac grin, and gives you fifteen cents change in one cent pieces. Silhouettes AND Songs. eY Vu. AN IDYLL OF SWITZERLAND. This is a picture from Switzerland, Which it requires some slight explanation and illustration, as it were, to understand. A touching scene in a rustic idyll: ‘The youth with a fancy coat on is enamored of the young woman standing by the lager-bier seidel. See, he beseeches his sweetheart's grace, For he drives the Swiss equivalent of an express wagon, and she has just remarked that she believes he is flirting with a girl in some other place. In her dainty apron she drops a tear, And he requests her to dry up, politely, even plaintively, but with a rising inflection that intimates that if she doesn’t comply he will feel himself justified in getting up and walking off on his ear. She will weep, upbraid, but forgive at last; For he incidentally remarks that he knows how to make his information solid with regard to that girl at the other end of the other end of the route, and actually proposes to get into the wagon and drive off fast. And see, she smiles; her face is bright’ning; ‘Though we are free to remark that if we were as comfortable-looking a girl asthat one, we wouldn’t brighten, to speak of, for any young man got up like a combined opéra-bouffe tenor and ring-master in a one-horse circus struck by lightning. ~ Oh, Love, by how many crosses vex’t! But she has dead wood on this young man, all the same; in the first place because she is between him and the lager, and in the second place because there is in the heart “of youth an indefinable mystic attraction toward the good, the true and the beautiful, which exerts its sway—continuation in our next, Oh, Love, thou rulest grandly, imperiously ; (But this picture is altogether too ridiculous to be treated seriously.) comicbooks.com