Puck — October 3, 1877 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

WHILE we are wrestling with the momentous question of unemployed labor, let us pause to consider how steadily and lucratively employed is the man who minds. his own business.— Brookville Jeffersonian. ‘Tue principal resemblance between a man who stops his team on the crosswalk of a crowded street and half a barrel of flour is that both make about a hundred wait.— Bridgeport Standard’s Last Offense. Montcomery Sears, of Boston, was married a few days ago, and gave his bride a wedding present of a residence costing $110,000. Mr. Sears, we understand, is not a newspaper para- grapher.— Norristown Herald. Tue Rev. George Bull baptized forty per- sons by immersion in twenty-seven minutes in Savannah, and he is 80 years old, too. He is a “star” baptizer—in fact, a Great Dipper.— Astronomer of the Phila. Bulletin. WHEN a woman makes up her mind that a hen shall not set, and the hen makes up her mind that she will, the irresistible meets the immovable, and every law of nature is broken or prevented.— Boston Traveller. Samuet G. Ropinson died ,recently at Augusta, Me. As he could play 1000 tunes from memory on the fife, piccolo, and cla: rionet, we judge that Samuel did not die a natural death.— Norristown Herald. Ricuarp Grant WuiteE would not attempt to teach English grammar until the child has learned to speak good English. If Richard ever learned to swim, it was probably before he was allowed to go near the water.— Lowell Cou- rier. Since the introduction of ‘female post- masters” a girl goes up to the window and says, ‘‘Is there a letter for Miss Margaret Rob- inson?” “ Yes,” says the “female postmaster,” “here is one from John McJones:"—. ¥. Herald. A Suapicee farmer, aged fifty-four years, cut four new teeth the other day. He hadn’t got accustomed to them yet, and they fell in the straw-cutter while he was swearing at the self-feeding attachment. — Brookville Jeffer- sonian. Tue man who has heretofore collided with a plate of soft butter when feeling around in the cupboard in search of something to eat after dark, now experiences a relief from the mono- tony by sticking his fingers in a pumpkin-pie. —Fulton Times. Exit Osman Pasha, with a flea in his ear. Slow curtain; ditto music. Twenty minutes for refreshments. After which the next victim of the paragrapher will enter with the air of a man who is about to be offered up asa sacrifice to science.—Oil City Derrick. A PATENT hop-picker has made its appear- ance in Madison county; but as we understand it, you can’t snoozle around it day-times and capture a kiss from it on the sly, or go to a dance with it in the evening; so what’s the use in encouraging its manufacture?— Fulton Times. Tue life of Brigham Young contains an ex- ample which the rising youth of this country would do well to imitate. He was a poor young man and started with only one wife. But as the result of frugal, industrious, and economical habits, he leaves at his death no less than nine- teen.— Chicago Times. We read in an exchange that “In the Him- alaya Mountains trees grow up toa height of 11,800 feet.” Only a young and inexperienced liar would write such a statement as that. An older prevaricator would have struck off the 800 to prevent the raising of doubts.—Anow- ing Bridgeport Paragrapher. PHILOSOPHIC OBSERVATIONS BY THE EASTON “FREE PRESS.” — While the women are so busy canning everything they can get their fingers on, why don’t they put up some of this weather for winter use ? — The theological oyster drowned in luke- warm water is:now reaching out for the pocket- | book of the weak-eyed young man with his | hair parted in the middle. | — When four women are walking abreast on | the pavement, they will break ranks for nothing | except a man with a paint-pot. — There are more men walking around the world on the upper leather of their boots for telling the truth than there are from rascality. — The exact sciences may demonstrate the precise distance of the most remote star, and make the phases of surrounding worlds as familiar as household words, but no amount of figuring will ever be able to indicate where the stone that a woman throws is going to strike, — The Philadelphia Chronic/e yells out in agony: ‘‘ What is going to become of the last man?” We don’t care a cent what becomes of the last man, or the first one, either. It is | what is to become of the intermediate fellows that interests us. — Oh! there's beauty in the morning, In the bluey, bluey blue, In the rosy golden dawning Over the bluey, bluey blue; But the winter's chill is creeping, With its blewy, blewy blew. To set your nose to weeping, All so bluey, bluey blue. — Somebody says that raw potatoes will cure drunkenness. This may be so, but we | hope it won't be put into practice before we secure our winter supply. A FABLE FROM THE WORLD. THE KIND-HEARTED SHE-ELEPHANT. A Kind-Hearted She-Elephant, while walk- | ing through the Jungle where the Spicy Breezes | blow soft o’er Ceylon’s Isle, heedlessly set foot upon a Partridge, which she crushed to Death within a few inches of the Nest containing its Callow Breed. ‘Poor little things!” said the | generous Mammoth, “I have been a Mother myself, and my Affection shall atone for the | Fatal Consequences of my Neglect.” So saying, she sat down upon the Orphaned Birds, Moral.—The Above ‘Teaches us What Home | is Without a Mother; also, that it is not Every Person who should be Intrusted with the Care of an Orphan Asylum. Ir is interesting to notice, in the pictures of | the Russian battles, that the correspondent is | always seen standing erect in the hottest fire, taking notes and making sketches, while the air is streaked around him with bursting shells, Occasionally, near the god-like form of the correspondent, may be seen the figure of an officer in full uniform, with his head reverently | bared, and his hat tucked respectfully under | his arm. This is the commanding General.— | St, Petersburg Imperial Gazette. Quoted by Phila, Bulletin. We are told that Mrs. Hayes fairly divided with her husband the applause of the people in Louisville. That was just and proper. A woman should always equally share with her husband—and vice versa, But did the Pre- sident fairly divide with his wife the—the lemonades and soda waters he received of the | and played cards. people of Louisville ?— Norristown Herald. Ws have a very talented young artist in Bridgeport, but we fear some of his ideas on art matters will be considered most too ad- vanced by'the general public. For instance, his Homer, just completed, represents the poet as wearing a high and very painful collar, and in the act of discounting another ancient gen- tleman in a game of billiards. “He says our pictures lack originality, and the most exacting critic will probably admit that there is a start- ling novelty in this grouping. Mr. Homer ap- pears to be playing a rattling good game, and the plaid suit he wears gives him a very impres- | sive and unexpected appearance.—Bridgeport Standard, . One had a watermelon in a basket, and the other a big piece of corn-beef on ker arm, as they met at the Central Market, yesterday, and chatted for a moment. One had evidently been married but a few days, as the other queried: : “Well, how do you like your second hus- band?” “Oh, he’s fair—very fair, but you see I don’t understand him very well yet,” was the answer, “No trouble, I hope?” “Oh, no; though for about a week I feared there might be. He went around looking sad and downhearted, sighed every five minutes, and wouldn't answer till I had spoken several times. 1 really got alarmed.” “And what was the matter—colic, heart. | disease, or ague ?” “T couldn't make out, as I told you, but he finally explained that he had another wife in Canada and feared she might come here. ‘There the poor man was worrying about it for days and days, and I was thinking he was mad or going crazy. It was a great relief to both of us when he told me the real facts, and now we | shall change our name to Thomas, move into a house facing the alley, and live as happy as bees."—M. Quad. ‘Two boys, surrounded by five or six others, sat on the grass on Ledyard street yesterday A citizen, who knows that card-playing leads into the broad road of wick- edness, halted and said to one of the players: “Ah! my boy, don’t you know that you are in a fair way to be ruined?” “1 am, eh!” replied the youngster as he held up his hand of cards and showed four trumps and an ace; ‘you just hold on here a minute, and if I don’t show you that the other boy is all wrenched to pieces and ruined to death, I'll eat the jack o' spades and cut my throat with the jack 0” clubs!” : He was taking every trick as the citizen passed on.— Af. Quad, A Cotorep Dirtomatist.—A well-dressed negro applied to the Judge of Probate of this city for a marriage license. He was asked how old his intended was, and answered with great animation, “ Just sixteen, Judge—sweet sixteen, and de handsomest girl in town.” ‘The Judge said he could not do it, as the law forbade him to issue license to any one under cighteen. “Well, hold on, Judge,” exclaimed the man. “1 know dat dem girls am deceitful, and lie about deir age. She is nineteen if a day.” “Will you swear to it?” asked the Judge. * Yes, sah,” he replied, and did. ‘And. how old are you?”said the Judge. ‘The chap looked suspicious, and replied cautiously, “‘Thirty- five,” and added, “If dat won't do, Judge, I’ve got more bac Mobile Register, A Lover of good coffee entered a grocery recently, and, holding up a handful of ground coffee from a big can, he inquired: “ Are there any beansin this coffee?” ‘No, sir,” promptly replied the grocer. “How do you know?” asked the man. ‘ Because I was out of beans and had to put peas in!” was the answer.— Unidentified Exchange.