Puck — September 26, 1877 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“PUCK, No. 13 North William Street, New York. FOR SALE BY ALL NEWS DEALERS. Terms To Sunscrimers. ‘One Copy one year, or $2 numbers One Copy, six months, or 26 mum! One Copy for thirteen weeks. Posts THE LATEST NOVELTY IN THE NATIONAL Cl PresipENT Hayes is very fond of travelling backwards and forwards, but we regret to find that he is traveling backwards in the matter of civil service reform. We believe the President to be an honest man, in spite of the peculiar circumstances under which he was placed in the White House; but he lacks firmness and moral courage, or he would not have appointed the infamous Ander- son to fill an important federal office in Louis- iana. He would not have removed efficient and honest officers without good and sufficient cause. He would not have brooked insult and defiance from the Naval Officer of the New York Custom House. He would not allow half the relations of the Secretary of Treasury to enjoy fat sinecures, ‘and he would not go jun- ketting round the country with his cabinet at this early stage in his administration, making platitudinous speeches. Hayes in tights on the untamed fiery lobster which will persist in going backwards through the hoops of bad policy, is the latest novelty in the national circus, and gives great offense to his supporters, and great satisfaction to his enemies, the majority of whom would with pleasure see him make greater mistakes. The friends he has, and their adoption tried, he must grapple them to his soul with hooks of steel—but not those of the Wells and Anderson stamp. We offer this gentle admonition to the President, and trust he'll profit by it, as we be- lieve he has both honesty and judgment enough not to persist in a policy which will ultimately lead to the downfall of his administration. YOUNG TAMMANY AND OLD TAMMANY. The disclosures by ‘Tweed are not at all ex- citing in their character. Everything had been pretty well discounted before, and those who had been directly or indirectly connected with the ring are little disconcerted at his state- ments and shake off the odium as easily as water from a duck’s back. The majority of our wretched politicians are so used to being arties to dishonesty and crookedness, that it Becones second nature to them; and they couldn't be upright and honorable- if they tried. But for what purpose is this examination of Tweed? Is it in the interest of justice and good city government? Far from these, it is for political effect to strengthen the chief of its waning supporters in Tammany. Puck will give John Kelly credit for smartness. He is smart, but not smart enough for Puck who can see through his little game. It will be noticed that Tweed carefully avoids any unpleasant allusion to prominent Tam- manyites. Kelly would make blacker the char- acter of Anti-Tammany and Republican thieves and uses the much exercised ex-Boss with this end in: view, who of course know nothing about the doings of Tammany magnates other than they are angels in top boots and that butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths. Tweed at this juncture isa very useful in- strument to do Kelly’s dirty work. And withal New York is the sufferer. Robbed and outraged by all parties, she has no alter- | he walks along the smooth pavement, how small patige, but to eve so) ps zens ¢ no. effort to’ al state of things. Old "ammmasy and New Tammany are eqi loathsome diseases unde THE BITER BIT. HE war in Europe is surprising everybody, the Herald in particular. ‘That enter- prising journal has not of late favored its readers with any prophetic articles on the sub- ject, as it finds it has been so grievously out in its calculations, so far at least as the Turks were concerned, Puck is no friend of the Turks. To all Europeans and ourselves they are “aliens in blood, aliens in language, and aliens in reli- gion.” They have simply been encamped in Europe for five hundred years. ‘They have nowhere become the people of the lands which they have conquered and now occupy. ‘They are barbarous, cruel, and unjust. ‘They have no government worthy of the name, and their religious and social systems are utterly demora- lizing. But Russia, too, has little to invite Puck's sympathy and respect. Her traditional policy is the atinexation of Turkey, and her pretexts for war have always been disingenuous, and in this instance the one urged, viz., to protect the Christian subjects, is monstrously absurd. It is the old story of the wolf and the lamb. An ex- cuse for an outrage is never difficult to find. ‘The despotic and ignorant so-called Colossus of the North ought to be the last nation in the world to demand good government and reli- gious toleration in another. Does it forget its unutterable infamies and cruelty perpetrated in Poland and Circassia, and where even now it keeps heavily its iron heel. ‘Those European powers who have a greater sense of justice than the contemptible Muscovite are the proper parties to settle this Turkish question. Puck rejoices at the Bear's reverses, who is rather surprised to tind the Crescent which he wished to chew so sharp at its extremities. THE RETURNED SUMMER BOARDER HE summer-boarder has come back. He tries to make you believe that his sojourn among the glorious greens of nature has done him good. It is charitable to believe | him. He is bracing up for winter work and winter pleasure; the latter requiring the more bracing, very frequently. Let us be kind to the returned summer-boarder. He looks as though he needed kindness. ‘The refreshing | influences of his lately deserted boarding-house keeper still hover about him as a ghostly mem- ory, and his heart yearns for affection and sym- pathy. The antiquated. rooster that uttered a mourn- ful prayer and then yielded itself up to the de- mand for spring chicken, still holds a fond place in his heart, and in the recollection of | his back-teeth, | The returned summer-boarder has much to be grateful for. He has recovered from the poison of the ivy, and his chills have grown | more infrequent. Sweet country life, how dreary our cities would seem if it were not for you! But for the contrast that the returned wanderer realizes as would be the joy he feels while thinking of those beautiful roads, whose mud yielded gently to his polished shoes as he walked along—for | pleasure. | The returned summer-boarder is more senti- mental now than he was when he left home. He feels kindlier towards the entire weaker sex. For the form of the landlady’s daughter, waning smile, rises before him; ched arms figuratively, and tf q an} anywhere. out ‘of her. reach)- Even | cousin, who been left a meek and lonely flower to ‘till now hadt pine on'the stem, blossoms with new-born grace, and he pays homage to her wit and winsome- ness, The returned summer-boarder swears, with more fierce delight than he ever swore before, He rolls out an occasional ‘‘ damn” with a re- lish that is almost reckless. For his summer landlady was good and. pious, and a living re- proach ‘to the iniquity of this world. Within the pale of her virtue profanity hid its head in deaf-and-dumb obscurity. Perdition yearned for him who swore, and an avenging angel was hovering with frenzied clutch over him who cussed, The returned summer-boarder looks brown in the face. That is the sign of health*and strength; also of the sun. The sun in the country differs from the sun in the city. Here it scorches and strikes; there it cheers and tans. The returned summer-boarder roams the wilds of his boundless bed-room like a noble son of freedom. It is only a hall bed-room, but it is a forest of Ardennes compared to his summer home. The returned summer-boarder waxes wroth at the sight of milk; he looks suspiciously upon butter; he has an ineffable contempt for all kinds of fruit. ° Before he left town he was fond of rowing. He delighted in pleasure-parties up the river. Now, the man who hints at an oar in the faint- est whisper is withered by a look that means desperation. Altogether, the summer-boarder is rendered avery agreeable object by his late pleasures; and it is only to be hoped that when the next year’s vacation comes round, he will summon up his powers of imagination, treat his cross- eyed cousin as a landlady’s daughter, stop swear- ing, to oblige a mythical landlady, get his shoes muddy, eat broiled roosters, get tanned at home, save so many dollars a week, and spare the country-landlord the necessity of the per- jury he commits in claiming that his house, ten miles off, is five minutes’ walk from the depot. Puckerings. Wuat is the difference between a person go- ing to Plymouth Church and one about to ask a lady a favor? One is going to see Beecher and the other is going to beseech her. Wuar is the difference between a poor gun and a borrowed masquerade costume? One is fired and doesn’t hit, and the other is hired and doesn’t fit. ‘A CORRESPONDENT wants to know if “am you the feller as seed him” is good English. | Certainly; and don’t bother us with none of | them kind of questions no more—cause we aint a-going to answer ‘em. Parisians are playing base-ball—and now Monsieur le pitcheur gracefully pitches the ball to Monsieur le strikaire, who makes a trois base-hit into-the estomac of Monsieur /e champ a la gauche (left field), who exclaims, “ventrebleu,” and sits down on the grass for rest and refreshments. Now is the time when the weary humorist | asks himself what happens about this season and desperately murmurs, “ will they ever drop on this style of paragraphs ?” comichooks,