Puck — September 19, 1877 — page 2: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. “PUCK", No. 13 North William Street, New York. FOR SALE BY ALL NEWS DEALERS, Terue To! Sunscrimers. ‘One Copy one year, or $2 numbers, One Copy, six months, or 96 mum! One Copy for thirteen weeks :.7;+3% Postace Faee. DANA'S FRAUD SHOW. hen no expense is spared in advertising an exhibition and the public will not respond, the presumption is that there is nothing attractive in the show itself. When Barnum placards the city with highly colored representations of the: greatest show.on earth if his horses_are not so richly caparisoned as they appear in the flaming posters, if the giant is not.as tall, the strong man as powerful, the fat boy as fat as we were led to expect—still we are satisfied, because in nine cases out of ten, there was something substantial to justly the announcement. Now, Dana, the lover's friend,-has been running his fraudulent-show. to little or no purpose. In vain has he roared himself hoarse, in vain has he gesticulated violently, in vain has he exhausted all the opprobrious epithets of which the English language is possessed in de- | nouncing the President of the United States. | “Walk up, gentleman, this is the only respect- | able show, come inside and join us in the re- | generation of the country—Roget’s Thesaurus | always on hand for a choice of adjectives to ‘abuse the Administration.” But the people heed him not, and he is un- disturbed in the manhole of his wooden horse which is as hollow as is the foundation for the tirade of. charges.against President Hayes. When. will Dana, the lover's friend, learn that | both Democrats and Republicans are tired of | this perpetiial cry of.fraud, as Mark ‘Twain said when some pieces of a cliff and then a cow fell on his tent out west): ‘it fs getting monoton- i ous! i The representatives of the people agreed to abide by the decision of the Electoral Com: mission whether right ‘or wrong, and it is idle for Dana to howl because its verdict was not | in accordance with his views. In the words of Junius we say “Cease Viper you bite against a BEECHER'S DISAPPOINTMENT. 'HIS is a practical and levelling age. Many of our most cherished ideas, sentiments, @nd traditions have been rudelysweptaway by stern facts, and the progress of science. Oft- quoted proverbs are no exception to the rule. Those that we have been ‘accustomed to make use of with, as. we thought, sledge-hammer effect are now voted not only illogical, but untrue. No man is said to be a prophet in his own country. We believed this religiously until we reviewed the career of the defeated candidate for Mormon prophet, Henry Ward Beecher, who is a prophet in his own country, Brooklyn, 'N. Y., but not in Utah. “The Mormons won't have him at any price. They doubt not that he would fill the pulpit of the Tabernacle very efficiently, butin other respects they do not think him altogether qualified to take charge of Brig- ham Young’s widows, and be sealed to any good- looking plump Mormoness to whom he might take a fancy. The late lamented prophet knew | * how to manage his seventeen or eighteen legal wives—legal at least from a Mormon point of view. But it does not appear that the Brooklyn candidate ever committed bigamy however —— much he may have been inclined to. This was a fatal blow to his pretensions in Utah—and the Almighty Mumbo Jumbo, in the wonderful revelations which he graciously made to the twelve Apostles who are.to have charge of the Church while: Brigham is taking his summer vacation in Heaven. or Hades, expressed. his personal regrets and those of all the angels and saints up and down there of his inability to ratify the nomination of a spiritual shepherd in many respects ‘so eminently fitted for the responsible ost. But there were certain precedents and laws passed by the Heavenly Senate and House of Representatives, that could’not be ignored. We are sorry for Henry, and so is a large majority. of the, Mormon people. He looks with wistful eyes towards the spot which he had fondly hoped would be the scene of his ministrations, where so much could be achieved; verily a rich vineyard in which to labor for the Lord's cause. But Mr. Beecher is fervently loved by his flock, and their joy is unbounded especially among those.of his admirers who are of the female persuasion. ‘They were sad, very sad when the melancholy prospect of losing the personification of true inwardness, and the only man living who can administer a paroxysmal kiss. Puckerings. Bricuam stood it a long time, didn’t he? Scroot keeps again, and the grit of the slate- pencil is heard in the land. Generat Howarp gives a prize card and five merit marks to every warrior who comes into the fold and lays down his arms. “ Goodbye!” says the mint-julep, giving the hot ‘Yom-and-Jerry a parting grip of the hand. “Take éare of the boys till I come back!” We -have struck the time when the swallows homeward fly, and the gay and festive influenza waltzes out and spits on-his hands and turns back his shirt-sleeves. THE gorgeous amateur gets up and shakes himself, tiies to think whether he can’ make the suit he played Claude Me/notte in last year do for Hamlet this season. Miss VioLET Fane, who earlier in the season said? “ Oh, for some new-found name by which to call him!” has since married him, and has now decided upon calling him Old Beeswax. Tue spirit of America burns brightly in the breast of the rising generation. Statistics, showing the recent increase in one-eyed chil- dren, prove that the little ones are already learning to play Creedmoor. It-is in these days that the American ma- tron stands forth in all her might, and stops the whole business of a railroad junction, while | she stands on the platform and demands in thrilling tones: ‘‘ Where is the little green trunk with one handle off?” Now the mosquito, who has been corpulent and audacious, and has waved his vampire wings over helpless civilization during the past | season, becomes meek and cadaverous and un- obtrusive, and gets in a warm corner by him- self, and wishes he were only a moth for the next six months. ‘The day has come when in the fair calender of »maidenhood a black mark is regretfully drawn through the ice-cream season. Phillis weeps, but Colin sticketh his thumbs in. his vest-pockets and smileth, and saith: “Ho, hol” There is no heart but feels a subtle sensation of melancholy in looking at the hectic flush of autumn on the face of Nature; but the pang of actual realization does not come to a man untill he strikes the first moth-hole in his last winter's flannels. ‘Tue sad sea waves moan brokenly along the deserted shores of the watering-places, Ere long the mighty blast of winter will arise in all its unrestrained majesty, and sweep down on the land, and cavort among the summer pavil- ions,:and scoop out from. under the bathing. houses three bushels of hairpins and. one sus- pender-buckle. HOW HE CAME TO BE A WARRIOR CHIEF. VN Ann Street man the other day was in- yy formed by her who shares his walk «<** through the sunshine and shadows of this life, that the family pickle keg needed recon- struction, The aforesaid keg had been sitting patiently in the N. W. corner of the Hobbs'’s cellar, while the Hoppses were spending their month of summer recreation at the seaside; and weary of its enforced idleness Which it could not tumb]e to, as it were, it’Struck, kerflummuxed and dropped on itself.” And so when the unfortunate Hobbses réturned#and™ discovered the. injury they had inflicted upon themselves, every dollar of which had‘ to come from their pockets, Mrs, H. and Mr. H. formed themselves into a vigil- ance committee and labor movement and at- tempted to repair the wrong which was perpe- trated through their thoughtlessness. Hobbs who prided himself on his ingenuit and constructiveness set himself to his t with a countenance whose serenity might be envied by a 8. R. king, and went, to work on that keg. First he placed the hoops upon the ground and laid a stave upon them to hold them in po- sition, then he commenced building up from the sides; after he had built up about three. tiers, the affair slipped somehow and Hobbs made a remark. ‘Then he tried again and three or four times after that and made more remarks, Mrs. H. asked him what he said, he replied that he thought the weather was getting damp. Then he tried it in other ways; he stood the staves on end and attempted to slip the hoops over the top, but the structure tumbled ker- smash and the staves were as much jumbled together as if a German street band had under- taken the contract,—he then made more re- marks, and told his wife who was ironing his best shirt, that if she'd mind her business and not trouble herself as to what he was grumblin; about, and would take her lazy hands out o! her lap, and just come out and steady things @ little, maybe he could get the blessed thing fixed. She obeyed the summons and did everything he told her, and got jawed for not doing every- thing he didn’t tell her to do, and then he re- marked until he got black in the face. But this was not all. He seized the baby by the heels (it had been lying asleep in the crib close-by), and dashed its brains out again, the slop-pail—he felled the companion of his bosom to the earth with a stave of the keg and set the house afire, and disappeared from civilization. There is a desperate indian leader out west now by the name of Crazy Horse. Don't ever ask the old man to mend any pickle kegs.