Puck — September 5, 1877 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

14 Atexts has been presented with a sword for bravery. ‘The full ist of the battles in which ved on the point Boston Globe A Sunpay-senoot. teacher in Albion, N. V., asked her class the question, What did Simon answered the children in chorus. Z a ‘unin Man, of the weapon, < men paid their subscriptions yesterday, ‘ause they contemplated being candidates for office this fall. We wish all our subscribers were to be candidates.—Whitehall Times. An improved fishing-rod will “ dress” fish as well as pull them out. But what the rod needs is an attachment to do all the swearing when the fish won't bite. — Norristown Herald. ‘Tite result of old habits is conspicuously seen when a journalist turns grocer, and informs the the first thing, that he docs not intend credit. - St, Louis Globe- Democrat. ‘Tue mills of the gods grind slowly, but the grist is sure. One of America’s chromo artists has been inveigled into a position in the ‘Turk- ish army. Of course, it is only one, but that’s something. — Danbury News. Ir makes a boy heartsick as the winter's wood begins to loom up in steadily growing piles in the back-yard, and he sees his mother making preparations for organizing him into a “a workingman’s party." — //awkeye. Gex. Howarn is so. exasperated, and. the military fever in his army burns so hi he says if he were to meet Chief Joseph ‘now, he would be half tempted to shoot at him.— Burdette, Srxiep stockings are going out of style, and the Sunday school picnic will no more be elec- trified bya brilliant display of the northern lights every time a girl falls out of the swi Hawkeye. Accorminc to the Sumter Kepublican, a South Carolina colored debating socicty has been considering the question: * Which is the most beneficial to the country, the lawyer or the buzzard “Come right in heah, ’Gustus Lysander Come in hea ¢ flies ofn yo! granfader! Yo'll never pper, chile, ef you don't.—Aew Or- leans Times, ‘Tur Richings Overa ‘Troupe gave “ Kral volo” Cheyenne the other night. ‘The “boys” thought it fine, and the local paper al- luded to the robbers as “ road ayents.""— Cin cinnati Sat, Night, Ir William Penn had known what a bother it is to get Philadelphia and anything along with it into the head-line, he would, in the goodness of his heart, h selected a shorter name.— Philadelphia Press. A DEtiRIovs youth went into a New York police station and requested the officers to shoot him. ‘They refused, but if he had asked to be clubbed to death they would have accom- modated him.—/hila, Evening Chronicle. ‘Tne only way to tell the jurist and the horse apart, when they are mentioned in print, is to remember that the horse is invariably referred to as “ Judge Fullerton,” whilst the jurist is al- ways called * Old Fullerton.”— Bod, B. /Lai ge. A sumber of Utica girls recently “ horned ” a newly-married couple, and in due course of time were arrested and taken into court. ‘I'he punishment, it strikes us, was altogether too severe for the offense, for the Judge dismissed them with the contemptuous remark that ‘they laced so tight they couldn't half blow a mouth- organ.” —Rochesler Chronicle, PUCK. Jounny lost his knife, After searching in one pocket and another until he had been through all, without success, he exclaimed: “Oh dear!’ TE wish Thad another pocket, it might be in that.” —ortchester Journal. ist_newsboy — “Here's your great fire, only two cents!” 2d newsboy (who sells five-cent papers)-— “ Who wants a little two-rent fire? Here's your | fire for five cents!" —— Cincinnati: Saturday | (f, Ir is claimed that an Albany lady, aged 58 | years, recently gave birth to a ten-pound boy. | Pshaw, that’s nothing, a lady of 67 years, ona Lake Champlain steamboat, recently gave berth | toa lady cighty years of age.— Variation on the Whitehall Times, H ‘Tue, fact that missionary steaks” appear as | an entrée on the Sandwich Islander’s bill of | fare will probably induce the majority of Chris: tian workers to steer clear of that vicinity. But it won't prevent them from creeping in upon us Saturday nights and remaining to preach Sun- day, and take up a collection after the services, for the benefit of the heathen. ‘ulton Times, A coyremvorary, in an claborate article, tells “ How to Improve the “Tramps.” But as nothing is said about burying them under five feet of earth, the writer doesn’t appear to grasp his subject with sufficient vigor, and argue from the proper standpoint.— Norristown Herald, ‘Tne heaviest man at the Waterbury clam- bake weighed 399 pounds—after the feast. His usual weight is 375 pounds, and his friends wanted him to eat just one more pound of clams, and pull the beam at even 400; but he said he was not going to make a life insurance company of himself.— Norristown Herald. Ir may be a too fanciful reflection, but it | strikes us that the undertaker, when he gets to ved rather coolly, | as it were, by the assembled company.—Puck. Should he go to the other pla will be warm enough—by a Norristown Herald. A saw fifty-four feet long and eight inches | wide has just been turned out at the Beaver x Steel Works. But that is not half as the saw reported by a western man a | ago. ‘ He says h "a sea-serpent | that was over one hundred and fifty feet in length, with a head twice horse.—Norristown Herald, A MAN named McNeely was severely stabbed | by a youth named Lindsay, for throwing kisses | in church at his (Lindsay's) sister. McNeely merited his punishment. He acted very un- rightly in throwing kisses at a young lady in church, Heshould have stood at the door and | handed them to her as she came out. — Aorris- town Herald. PATENT COVERS EF | times and spend other folks’ money. A Lanorer at work in a Danbury yard hung his coat on a post. During the day some one, in throwing a dish of water from a window, un- intentionally dropped the contents on the g: ‘ment. When the man went to get it, on quit- erceived its condition, and in “ Howly mur- ting work, he some consternation exclaime | der! 'f the coat wasn’t a-thinkin’ it was on my | back all the time, an’ went to sweatin’ widout knowin’ the chate.”— Danbury News. Some, people have a peculiarly happy faculty | of looking on the bright side of things. It is a comfort to themselves and to those about them, and so very desirable. But it is a faculty | most difficult to acquire, and few there be who possess it. One of Danbury’s sons favored in this respect recently borrowed an axe of a neighbor. While using it in the repair of his well-curb it slipped from his hands and went straight to the bottom of a very deep well. In explaining the loss to the owner he cheerfully observed : “Tt is bad, of course, but it and we must make the best of it. to worry over what can’t be helped. n't be helped, It don’t pay We must lock on the bright side of everything. Be- sides, it wasn't: much of an axe, anyway.""— Danbury News, Bostox policemen no longer carry clubs. When they want to arrest a rioter, they arrest his attention by a sad, sweet smile, and say: + Accursed and unquiet wrangling days! ither be patient and entreat me fair, Or with the clamorous voice of outraged law, Here will L apprehend thee, and immure “Thy lawless carcass in the sullen walls.” Burlington Hawkeye. “Dip you see de ‘clipse?” said an elderly darkey to a brother son of Afric’s climes the other night, by the town (pump. “ Dere’s gwine to be famine, shuah!” he added. His Companion seemed wrapped in thought a mi- nute, when he ejaculated hopelessly, “ How's a man gwine to lib in a famine on seventy-five cents a day, and men cartin’ off dere own ashes?” “ Go way!" said his friend, “ it’s only the unjust who'll catch it—dese free libbers who don’t do nuffin but swell ’round in de day De Lord ain't gwine to let us pious niggas suffer.” New Maven Journal, ‘Turret is a wicked story told in the House | of Commons about an honorable member who is connected with the whaling trade, but who, when he comes south, so far yields to the in: fluences of civilization that he’ may frequently be met dining out. ‘The other night he was ob- served religiously to separate the green fat of the turtle from the liquid of the soup. His neighbor said to him, “Don’t you eat the fat?” “Nae, nae,” he replied, ‘it’s nae that. It’s the blubber that's nae boiled enough.”— London Mayfair. OR FILING PUCK. PRICE SI.00 EACH. 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