Puck — August 22, 1877 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Bulgaria on atrocities, including Anna Dickin- son and Centennials. Philadelphia is the place where when two fellows go to the theatre together, one treats the other, is way they keep up a reputation for generosity, and it doesn’t cost them anything more than it would if each fellow paid for him- self, We have remarked that William Penn insti- tuted Philadelphia, We did not say he settled it. He did not. We wish he had settled it. ‘The heartfelt benedictions of a grateful nation would have been upon his head if he had settled it, in its earliest incipiency. Next to atrocities, Philadelphia is chiefly famous for its ready-made clothing establish- ments, ‘This brings the chapter to a clothes. (To be continued.) FITZNOODLE IN AMERICA. XX. SARATOGA—1V. Ya-as; this w sort gets a twifle more ag weeable everwy day. So aw I've wesolved to wemain a little longer befaw go- ing to Nooport. “Noo” is, 1 be- lieve, an Amerwi- can-Indian word, and I nevaw saw a fellaw who was so beastly ig- norwant as not to know what “‘port” meant. The whole name sounds wather like the Bwitish Newport; but that couldn’t be, for fellaws here would then pwonounce it like we do. But, *pon my soul, I don’t see what welation there is between Sarwatoga and Newport, consider- wing that I’m witing about Sarwatoga. A gweat deal of wacing has been going on, and, as I wemarked on a pwevious occasion, a curwious-looking fellaw, who is a pwominent member of the Lords, is a steward, or pwopwie- tor of the wace-course. He looks verwy much like a ticket-of-leave man, or a fellaw who hangs fellaws, or a pwize-fighter; but I weally didn’t think that he could be any of these things, yer know. Everwybody wefers to him as John Morwis, or Morwissey, and as a verwy stwiking Amerwican charwacter. He was we- pwesented to me as a gweat club-man; but I found aw that the club was a westauwant—with tolerwably decent cooking, too—and a merwe- twiciously decorwated cwib, where fellaws aw gamble and invest gweenbacks in ivorwy dwaughtsmen, and wisk them on the gweqn cloth, while a fellaw turns wound a woulette ar- wangement, and a cwoupier wakes in the aw things. Pharwoah is another game. Iam told that it is named after some king, or emperwor, or pwesident, who weigned in Afwica, or Awabia, or Amerwica, some time ago. Jack Carnegie says the Bible wefers to this fellaw fwequently. But I was weally under the impwession that some Fwench wuler who was a lunatic aw had invented packs of cards, and I don’t think his name was Pharwoah—but historwy is a dwead- fully abstwuse and complicated business. But they must have been clevah sort of fellaws, I should say, who first invented a lot of differ- went things. So, after all, this Morwis fellaw is of the same pwofession as the pwopwietors of the place in Monaco, and the Tiger Menager- wie in New York—devilish odd pwofession for an Amerwican who makes law in Parliament. Jack says that the fellaw was once a bruiser, and that he wegularly fought in the pwize-wing. I suppose that this is necessarwy in t oun- twy. Ya-as; that’s the weason Amerwicans are always talking about political and wailwoad wings. I don’t mind wisking a monkey or two on wacing; but I don’t gamble—it’s bad form. Some of the wacing heah is fair, and the cattle neat and decently bwed; but I can’t be inter- wested- too much twouble to wemember all the horses. At some hotels heah they won't admit He- bwews. Stwange in a wepublic, when at home Elliott Yorke, Hardwicke’s son, and Edin- burgh’sequerry, marwiedWothschild’s daughter. Now I wather like Jews, and have found them verwy agweeable and convenient when I wanted a bili done as a youngster. Besides, old Dizzy Beaconsfield is a first-wate sort of fellaw, or my people wouldn’t support him, yer know. ‘There are a gweat varwiety of people heah, but everwybody talks about dollahs. Nevah met with an Amerwican man or woman who didn’t. By the way, at dinnah, too, severwal fellaws used to wemind me of horses. ‘They call it corn-cob for that weason, I suppose. But they suck these big things, which are as large as wolling-pins, and devour the gwain. A fellaw might just as well eat a twuss of hay, Our gamekeeper used to feed our gwey parwots on this stuff, b-b-boiled. I have been dwinking the minerwal-waters wegularly. Iwas in good spirwits last night, and one water was of devilish peculiar flavah, and after dwinking severwal glasses I had a beastly headache. Jack said he'd get particu- lars of that spwing. Scientific fellaws, yer know, divide these spwings by algebwa or hy- dwostatics or something, so that a fellaw may know what he’s dwinking. —Note by Captain the Honorable John de Beaufort Southesk Carnegie, Royal’ Horse Guards (Blue) Extra Aide-de-camp (for partic- ular service), to the Commander-in-Chief of the forces, Dominion of Canada. ‘The following is the analysis of the sprin referred to by my friend. It isa“ Rag and and Famish” joke: Aqua-sodah-um Eaudevie-um Chartreuse-em - Irish Whiskeyam 200. Curacoaom =~ 50. Ginger-im + 10. Old Port-ode Nutmeg-ide Lemon-ade 100, 500. 50. A WARNING TO THE M! “Dry agin! Now if dem munisherple autorities don't take no more care of de water-supply, w'at's to hinder a feller from going right to de bad—gittin’ blind drunk on mint-jaleps, 'n" brandy-smashes, 'n’ champagne-cock- tails, ’n’ things?” 7. TELEPHONOGRAMS. LATEST FROM THE SEAT OF WAR. FROM PUCK'S SPECIAL ARTIST-CORRESPONDENT. Free Passes OF THE BALKA Atrocity HEaDQuar’ - Atrocities are rife. Both sides working on full time; no strike. Turks are ahead in the pools, but Russians are freely backed to’win. ‘Two Cossacks sought to compel the Herald correspondent to pronounce their names cor- rectly. He perished in the attempt to do it. A Cockney correspondent says, it is a mistake tosuppose that Osman Pasha isa cavalry officer. Suleiman Pasha actually committed the atro- city of asking twice for soup at the Plevna Grand Union Hotel. General Ignatieff and Prince Shakosky have been disgraced for picking their teeth with forks. The Czar doesn’t mind the campaign going wrong, but this breach of dicipline was really too much for his delicate feelings. The Russians have never been defeated. All statements to the contrary notwithstanding. What do war correspondents know about strategy? Of course, lam anexception. These Russians are simply carrying out the wonderfully- laid plan of their campaign from its inception. ‘They are just falling back, the misguided Turks fatuously following them. When the Turkish armies are decoyed into St. Petersburgh, the | Russians will surround them and keep them all prisoners in the Cathedral of St. Isaac. Please don’t make this too public, as the Czar doesn’t wish it, Latest SPECIAL AND ParRTICULARLY HorriBLe AtRocITY. A body found in Rustchuk has been torn in pieces by the infuriated ‘Turks. It was originally of black silk and belonged to a fugitive Bulgarian pretty waiter girl. ‘The indignation is intense. “ My dear fellow, I hope it’s quite convenient, but I really forgot all about it,” says Smith to Jones, when the latter voluntarily returns that five-dollar bill he borrowed a month ago. But, how this world is given to lying! Smith during those thirty days has been thinking of nothing else, and wondering how Jones can be .| so damnably inconsiderate as not to pay up. ‘To the paragrapher who preserved his recti- tude and his self-respect, Kars and Erzeroum are by this time only a tender reminiscence. comicbooks.com