Puck — August 8, 1877 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

MOMENTS \ WITH MR. SIMPKIN. | y HEN Iwas in nthe country last summer, I thought I would drop over to an ad- joining village to pay a visit to Mr. Simpkin, ako I had Been given to understand previous to leaving the city, was an ingenious individual, and had a number of inventions constantly on hand for the amusement and ed- ification of any chance visitor. I had a letter of introduction carefully in- serted in my pocket; so, having nothing else to do, I hired a horse and wagon, and set out to sce Mr. Simp! | I was soon at his residence, and after he had read the letter, he smiled, and asked me into the house. “Now, then,” he commenced, after we were | both seated, ‘if there is a being on this earth on whom I dote more than another, it is he whose taste runs on inventions and curious things. I was always great on it myself. Why, when I was a boy and had plenty of ambition, 1 had an idea I could bottle sound. If I had | succeeded my fortune would have been made. “My idea was to furnish new music to peo- ple in the country. For instance, whenever a new opera should come out, it was my inten- tion to run it from a piano, through a tube, into | atin can, and then have the can hermetically sealed. I could thus fill a thousand cans at a time, and all the purchaser would be obliged to dlo in order to enjoy the contents, would’ be to | make a little hole in the can, and the music | would steal out. I was going to sell opera at a quarter per can. Just think of it! A whole opera for twenty-five cents! “And then Iwas going to can oratorios, and all the popular pieces of sacred music, | which would be handy for missionaries to take to the heath: “But [didn’t succeed. I canned the notes | correctly, but they wouldn’t come out in the | right time. About two minutes after the start the can would burst, and a whole opera would | be reduced to an instantaneous belch, “After this I had a large hole dug on top of the hill yonder, which I intended to make into a musical reservoir. A huge steam organ was to have been inserted in the cavity, and_ pipes were to run therefrom to music metres, which would be placed in the house of any one willing to pay the regular rates. “All these people would hav when they wished to be regaled with the divine af- flatus, would be to turn ona faucet, and the room would immediately be filled with melody; but it fell through because the people wouldn't patronize me; they said five dollars per thousand feet was too much, “T was almost broken-hearted, and was about to give up in despair, when a new idea struck me, and I started right off to put it into execution, and get up what I call a ‘ frogches- tron.’ I have caught and trained a lot of frogs, out of which I draw the most soul-stirring tunes. Now just come out to the barn and I’ll show you the thing, and play some tunes for | you.” I followed him, and we were soon in the n, His frogchestrion consisted of a number of trained frogs, sitting on their haunches side by side on a board. They were arranged according to size, the large ones being the bass notes. ‘There was a whole gamut of them; each one when touched would emit the note he repre- sented. Mr. Simpkin drew a stool over, placed his notes in front of the frogs, and dashed off the “ Pirates’ Chorus” in the most graceful style. | After this, as the hour was rather late, I bade } him good-day, and thanked him cordially for | X ba PUCK, | the trouble he had taken to entertain me. He shook my hand warmly, and as I was about to leave, he said “I'd just exhibit that frogchestrion in New York if i had a few more frogs. It used to be a first-rate musical instrument; but the cat got into the barn the other day and ate up a cou- ple of the octaves.” FITZNOODLE IN AMERICA. XX. SARATOGA—II, Ya-as; this water- wing place is verwy much superwior, yer know, to the Bwanch, as it’s in the interwior, and not on the sea- shaw; but I weally can’t say that I’m desperwately —car- wied away with it. People are supposed to congwegate here on ac- count of the spwings. Just as my folks, a hun- dwed years ago, and even later, used to visit Bath and other wesorts, and as severwal peo- ple, forweigners and others, go to such places in Eurwope, in Austwia, or Pwussia, or some- where else. I've stwolled about Ems and Wies- baden, but Sarwatoga does not wesemble them to any wemarkable extent. ‘There is a tolerwably pwetty but verwy con- twacted garden in close pwoximity to the hotel, It is called a park—Pwogwess Park, or some- thing of that kind. It contains spwings, and boys dwawing up minerwal-waters with long wods—and a fellaw can dwink as often as he thinks pwoper. A band often plays in the evening; and Amerwican young fellaws who have a pwedilection for getting spoons on fe- male young cweatures, have’ considerwable op- portunity to gwatify what Jack Carnegie calls a depwaved taste. But Jack is so satirwical, and such a cynic, or stoic (I forget which), yer know. After I’ve had a bath, and Luigi has. wubbed me, and flourwished his wazor about my face, and bwushed my hair, I go to bweakfast. A stwapping black fellaw—a negwo, stands at the door of the woom, as at other places, and dwaws away the chairs for a fellaw to sit down atatable. I don’t eat verwy much bweakfast. ‘There are a gweat varwiety of things to select fwom; but the large majorwity consists of in- numerwable kinds of preparwationsof hot bwead and wolls—horwibly injurwious to. Amerwican fellaws’ indigestion, yer know. All the women, as at the Bwanch, wear di, monds for bweakfast, which shows devilishly in- ferwior bweeding. How doosidly widiculous, | and how all Belgwavia and the town would al- most woar, if my mother were to sit down to bweakfast with the tiarwa and other arwange- ments she wears at dwawing-wooms when she wants to pwesent anybody. I wonder what the | Queen would say. And I'm sure that Lady | Florwence wouldn't believe it—she wouldn’t, | ‘pon my soul. We walk into the dwawing- woom—weally quite pwettily furnished—and go on the verwandahs, light cigarwettes, and listen to the bands, or twy to play Amerwican bil- liards, or look at the women sitting wound. The girls have their hair verwy elaborwately dwessed, are pwetty, but don’t look stwong. No, I will not marwy an Amerwican. "he young Amerwicans who twy to be dan- dies, nearly all dwess like twadesmen and mid- dle-class cads, and wear cwavats of verwy loud colors and patterns, and cwoss their legs to show their shoes and bwight wainbow socks, with verwy conspicuous clocks, like fellaws who dance with clogs at the Alhambwa. ‘They are also addicted to the stwongly wepwehensi- ble pwactice of dwinking in bar-wooms. Now, I can put up with a gweat deal in a stwange countwy, but I weally can’t stand that, yer know. I shall have some more wemarks to make about Sarwatoga. SUMMER RESORT NOTES. + Harnor does not sag to speak of. It is y firmly established. ‘Tne. report that Coney Istanp is to be towed further out to sea is said to be groundless. Santa Barwara, California, is a good place to send your wife to if you want to go to Jones's Wood. Lake Superior is a very good place to go to, for people who like that sort of thing; but all others had better stay away from such a place. ‘Te best. hotel in Hawau, and one which we can confidently recommend, is the Muntchi- Muntchi House, kept by Mr. J: G. Kamehalilo. It is within five minutes’ walk of the railway- station, and guests who have been there speak in high terms of the table, and especially of the missionary steaks, of which this house makes a specialty. ‘Tue great success which has been enjoyed by the Waite Sutruur Sprincs has led to the establishment of a watering-place on the same plan, which, it is hoped, will be equally popu- lar. | ‘The new springs, which have been but re- cently discovered, are an immense improv. | ment on the old, being of a more fashionable | color, namely écru. PUCK’S PI INTELLIGENCE, ERSONAL BY OUR OWN HERALD, CHinaman no stlik Eramtnonpas was a Kic! apoo. Pierrepont maketh his face shine with oil. Bismarck speaks German with a French ac- cent. Auuspe Je “ Songs of Seven. Doy'r argue with a man who knows better. Clip him one over the ear, and then beg. his pardon, | Ta is no truth in the assertion that the Duke Alexis wears a middle-name since his re- | cent visit. |. ‘Tne wise paragrapher writeth a stupid thing in the language of scripture, and getteth a | laugh thereby. ‘Ie report is authoritatively denied that General Grant, when at Windsor Castle, wanted to drink his champagne out of a schooner. | Att our notables are out of town. Geo. | Francis ‘Train, Count Joannes and Eli Perkins alone remain to comfort us. Wuy should the spirit of mortal be proud ? Because, in spite of all the labor riots, lager j can still be bought at five cents a glass. | Wacner will return to this country in the fall. It is said the marks on his face have en- tirely healed. Jas. Gorvos Bennett will not come to America this year. He proposes to give another operatic trilogy at Bayreuth. Bret Harte doesn’t think Mark Twain is so awfully funny, anyhow, and Mark ‘Twain can’t for the life of him see where Bret Harte got his reputation from. So much for their collaboration on “Ah Sin.” PH not the author of