Puck — July 11, 1877 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“Wuart denomination is Beecher’s church ?” a Sun correspondent asks. A One-idea com- munity, we should say, in believing “in their pastor's innocence. AND now comes a report from the wilds of North Carolina, that the deer are grown so numerous that they are destroying the crops. Next thing we shall hear of the festive wild-cat congregating in troops and going into the potato-bug business. Axout this season the thin young man with a lofty brow, a melancholy eye, and the general appearance of a dyspeptic undertaker, tilts back the sub-editorial chair and murmurs: ‘‘ Lemme see—lemme see! Green peaches—strawberries, pine-apples—guess it’s time to waltz out that cucumber paragraph!” ‘Tuts is the period when the short-sighted old maid who wil// play croquet, grasps her mallet with both hands, puckers up her gossip-funnel with a heroic determination to do or die, lights out for the red ball and catches her partner's silk stocking just on the turn of the ankle-bone, SouvENe, the sylph-like, smileson New York in the Fall.” And Aimée shrugs her shoulders, and remarks to her manager: “ Eef I vas von hondaire years old, and had a mouse as beck as fout al fresco, 1 zink I vould stay in San Fr-r-r-rancisco!” Down in the deepest and liveliest of all the step-down gulfs of liquid fire, sizzling all by himself, in solitary sulphurous grandeur, is an agonized wretch whose ceaseless howls some- times strike a sympathetic chord even in the hearts of the attendant devils, who would feel inclined to spill an occasional bucket of water on his fevered brow, if it weren’t against the rules of the place, and if they didn’t know the awful extent of his iniquity. He is the man who first invented paragraphs. Eureka! We have passed many sleepless nights in wondering who the Heradd P. I. man really was. We know now, and balmy slumbers will in future be our lot. We never thought he was an American, but are nevertheless surprised to learn he is a Chinaman. “Over in Baxter Street yesterday a Chinaman became the father of an American-born son, and as he danced about, swinging his pigtail, he said:—‘Me Melican man, all samee old Grantee. Me heap Washington. Me lightning rod agent. Me P.I. man. Go’way. Whoopee!’ When he has cut off his pigtail, straightened out his eyes from the bias, and has been a few years longer in this country, his English and his wit may improve. We sincerely trust that Mrs. P. I. and Infant are doing well, and hope the Baxter Street air will prove beneficial. “Love thy neighbor as thyself,” says Scripture. We guess we loved her better in our sparking days—when, before we became man and wife, she lived next door. A kino of spiritualism, it is reported, exists among the ins. A Captain Fitch tells us that when they are in a spasmodic condition, they profess to see their dead relatives, and foretell future events. Similar causes, strange to say, produce similar effects on some New Yorkers, many of whom, while under the in- fluence of spirits, we have known to see a whole family of devils and imps, and tell us frequently that they will be d——d, while we have no reliable evidence to disprove their assertions. “ This case requires very gentle treatment,” said the delicate newly fledged lady-physician, as she turned up her shirt—we mean her dress —sleeves, displaying arms not remarkable for fleshy or muscular development-—“ and careful handling.” And then she passed her hands under Jim Mauley’s bullet-head, disfigured by black eyes and bloody nose, and moved it about the eighth of an inch from the ground. His fighting-weight is 180, and the excitement was a little unexpected argument with the Har- lem Pet. SUMMER RESORT NOTE Pensacota is an attractive place for all those who wish to be within five minutes’ walk of the railway station. ALL the paragraphers are going to TUCKAHOE this Summer. They may be visited with perfect safety, as their cages will be carefully guarded. ‘Tue buttermilk bushes on Mount Suasta are bearing finely, and guests may hunt this delicious game with No. 2 rods and yellow flie Amonc the distinguished visitors at Mapison Square are Mr. Geo. F. ‘Train and family, and Mr. Bili Badtschiesz, the popular agent of the Associated Press. Tue hotels at Hastincs-on-Hupsi resolved to draw the line of admissibi religion at the Transubstantiationists. Patripathean guests insist upon it. ‘Tue Green Mountains, contrary to the erroneous report which has been going round for some time, will not be leveled this year, but will remain in their natural unfinished condi- tion. ‘THose who seek perfect quiet, and freedom from fashionable excitement, should patronize Woop.awn, on the Harlem R. R., where they can be accommodated to their entire satis- faction. ‘Tue hotels of Brickvitte, N. J., have inau- gurated a system of unprecedented liberality. Every guest is provided with a hammer, with which to knock the mosquitoes on the head. As a hammer lasts little more than one week, ‘Their this is a great drain on the finances of the land- | lord. _ ~ & FASHIONABLE INTELLIGENCE. Wueruer the heat has prostrated Hymen, or whether he has taken a brief vacation, in order to enjoy himself at some fashionable watering- place, Puck does not know, but it is certain that this week there are but few matrimonial en- gagements to record. worthy are those we give below: ‘Victon-Beecuer.—The Rev. Mr. E. ‘Tilton soon to enter into the bonds of wedlock with | Miss Henrietta W. Beecher. ‘The bride is no longer in her first youth. Bary-Woopnutt.—Mr. William Barry, the well-known Ethiopian scholar, is soon to wed Miss V. Woodhull, a lady of tender years, who has but lately graduated from the Convent of | the Sacred Heart, Manhattanville. Hamicron-Mepitt.—Mr. G. Hamilton -and Miss Josephine Medill are announced as among the couples who will probably seek the hymeneal altar at the end of the Summer season. It is rumored that in this case there has been an affaire du caur existing for a long time. Enret-Murpny.—The engagement is now made public of Mr. Geo. Ehret, the eloquent | temperance agitator, and Miss Francisca Mur- phy, daughter of the celebrated liquor-dealer of that name. ‘The marriage will take place in Sy Joa ‘The bride will wear white, with blue rib! Of these the most note- | ENGLISH HUMOR. ~~ Ape experienced Town-Crier of the San res Francisco Mews Letter, having become inspired by our recent article on English fun, thus unbosoms himself: «Puck is very severe on the dreariness of English | comic papers, and, in our opiniun, very unjustly so, He bas evidently never heard of the good which a popular humorous (?) London weekly once worked; so if he will sit on our knee for two minutes, and not draw cartoons on our shirt-front, we will tell PucK all about it. Once upon a time, PUCK, there was a very naughty, naughty man, who had killed his wife and four children, poisoned the house-dog, to prevent his peaching, and set fire toa theatre. He was caught, tried, and acquitted on all the charges except dog-poisoning, for which he was con- demned to For seven weeks he lay in jail, and was visited by three ministers daily. He read cleven thou- sand four hundred and twelve tracts, but still his heart was hard, and he did not repent. He had no fear of hell, or hopes of heaven, and all the ministers shook their heads and said * Wee!’ At last a kind-hearted jailor, secing how tormented he was by their ministrations, brought him a funny English paper, full of witty jokes and side-splitting puns, "Three hours afterward, ‘cries were heard coming from his cell, and guards, rushing in, found tears streaming from his eyes, and contrition oozing from every pore. ‘Let me die!’ he cried, *1 am will- ing to be hanged. I desire to expiate my sins on the gallows! I'm a wicked, bad man, and deserve death, Dut oh! take away that paper! I don't deserve that! Please take it away, and leave me in peace during the last few hours I have to live.” He was executed, and was thoroughly humble and contrite up to the last. Now, Puck, don't you abuse English comic papers any more.” After the above remarks from the San Fran- cisco Mews Letter, what can Puck do but ex- press his deepest and sincerest contrition, and promise humbly to heed the exhortation of his brilliant brother of the far West; whose golden words are ever sweet to Puck’s youthful ears? Answers for the Aurious. Keokuk. Send them on. Yes. No; not by no means. J. Latunor R. We have seen it. Bixco. Never do it again. And never let anybody you know ever do it again. pus E, Ricitanys.—We penetrate the thin disguise | of your name. Go and shave yourself. Sam'L P.—Certainly, we will insert your contribution, if you desire it. You can have it put on the last page at a dollar a line, or with adv. at the end, for two dollars. Piar., Galveston.—If we had a leg three thousand miles long, we should kick you. After that, it is scarcely necessary to say that we have given your poem our re- spectful attention. J. B. S—Itis a most charming production, that poem of yours. But we think you will find it would show to more advantage in the Philadelphia Ledger, second page, 2d column, poet’s comer. Govraet.—No; whatever may be your yearnings afer elegance, when you invite a friend to corned-beef and cabbage, with pumpkin-pie for dessert, it will not do to put the viands down on the menu as Cronstades a POrientale and Macedoines aux conserves, MADISON.—No, we have not the smallest objection to your paragraph. Only, it isn't a paragraph, It isn’t funny. It isn’t seasonable, and won't be, short of next Christmas. We haven't any objection, however, to the contribution, as a contribution, It hasn’t done us any injury, and it takes more than that to impair our digestive ities. But it is not even probable that it will be published in Peck. Basurut Lover.—You are referred to Mr. Chas. A. Dana, of the Sur, who has made a study of such cases as yours. If our own opinion is of any value to you, youare welcome to it. But we should say, judging simply as an unbiased and uninterested, party, that if, you went to call on the young lady, intending to stay till 3 a.M., and if she called her father to bounce you at 20 minutes past 7, it doesn’t make much difference whether he took you by the coat-collar or by the slack of your breeches—the inference is, that your attentions were distasteful to her, if | not to him.’ There is no use in trying to confuse this matter by casuistical distinctions; if you are the man of lofty intelligence and keen perceptions you | journal, yee wronld have taken in the ltsation (be Sat Troment the old man reached for you. However, go and | ask Mr, Dana. comicbooks.com