Puck — May 1877 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

K. PUC FASHIONABLE ELAT. “ALL THE RAGE”—AS THE WIFE OF YOUR BOSSOM OBSERVES. WHAT YOU MAY EXPECT NEXT WINTER. WHY GRANT GOES TO EUROPE. HE true object of ex-President Grant's SB) visit to Europe, is the subject of much speculation in newspaper circles. One journal promulgates the information that he in- tends to visit Japan; another says he will go to Turkey and assume command of the Turkish forces; a third announces that he simply goes abroad to enjoy a season of rest and recreation; while a score of others each advance a different theory. And they are all partially correct. Grant goes abroad to seek rest and recreation; but the manner in which this great desideratum is to be attained was imparted to only a few of his immediate friends. The writer formed one of the distinguished party that accompanied the ex-President down the .Delaware Bay on the steamer 7wilight, on the 17th of May. The proprietor of the Pudsic Ledger, amid corks popping in air, kept the coterie in a roar of merriment by reciting im- promptu tombstone poetry, including an eight- line epitaph to fit the hero of Appomatox, in case he ‘should become the victim of a ship- wreck and find a watery grave. Grant was in a capital humor—more capital than when he tesided at the Capital—and between whiffs of a fragrant Havana, gave me a brief outline of his foreign programme. He also gave me lib- erty to make it public after his safe arrival in London; and I now proceed to do so. After a few weeks rest and recreation in Lon- don, in sight-seeing, dinner-eating, speech- making and so forth—especially the latter—the ex-President will take an early train for Turkey, where he will assume command of the Turkish army, and recreate a couple of weeks, by crushing the Russians and hole his son Jesse, who accompanies him, on the Czar’s throne. He will give the Russians ‘‘ Jesse” in a double sense of the word. Then he will cross the Danube, re-organize the Russian forces, and turn about and lick the ‘Turks out of their boots and boats. He thinks “turn about is fair play,” and says what is sauce for the Bear is ditto for a Turkey—an adage nearly as old as Oldbillallen of Ohio. ‘The ex-President will appoint his son-in-law, Sartoris, Grand Mufti, and abolish the old Porte, and establish a Newport on the Bospo- rus as a Summer resort. He will amuse himself by playing Sultan of Turkey for a brief period, adcaner making several Deys in less than twenty-four hours, he thinks it would be only a fair Sheik to call for a little Sublime Porte and “make a night of it.” The ex-President will resign the Sultanship in favor of Grand Mufti Sartoris, and embark on the ten p. M. boat for Japan. Here he will further recreate and seek quiet repose, by ten- dering his services to the Tycoon—whose other name I can’t pronounce. If old Ty. should fail to remember an enemy he wants annihil- ated inside of two weeks, Grant will organize a lively little rebellion on his own hook, and let no guilty man escape. ‘The Tycoon will see the wisdom of committing hari-kari, and Ulysses will succeed him, and run the Tycoonery man- sion on the American plan for a month or so, just. to see how the old thing works, He will give the war portfolio to Bishop Coxe, of West- ern New York, because the Bishop's poetry in- dicates that he belongs to the “ fighting Coxe.” Babcock will be elevated to the responsible po- sition of Keeper of the Green Seal—and other liquors—and Zach Chandler will be put where he-will do the most good. From Japan Grant goes to China, where he will snatch a little more needed repose, by set- ting to work to rebuild the great wall erected by Mr. Chi-hoang-ti many centuries ago. _Per- haps it may be remembered that, in one of his recent annual messages, Grant referred to this great.wall, remarking that he thought it was an’ outrageous shame that such a massive piece of masonry should be permitted to fall into ruins. It may be remembered, but I must admit that I am not one of those who remember it. To break the monotony of this labor, the ex-Presi- dent will break the neck of the Emperor, and declare himself his successor. He will shave his head, cultivate a pigtail—vulgarly called “‘queue”—have his eyes cut bias, and _his breeches cut wide in the legs, and proceed to run the Empire in modern heathen style, on a specie-payment basis. Should a Chinese band, with cheese-box drums and one-string fiddles, and frightful horns, call around to serenade the new Emperor, he will invite the members in and have them put to death before sunrise. Grant's principal object in going abroad, as I have already mentioned, is to accumulate rest, and leaders of Chinese bands want to be warned in advance, Bidding farewell to the land of far Cathay, the ex-President will step over—or is it down? —into Greece, and interview the “Seven Wise Men” of that country. The report that these men died before the war is a cable canard. Leaving Greece, Grant will strike for Persia, and upon arriving at the palace of the Shah, he will devote two weeks to getting introduced to the numerous Mrs. Shahs. Should he ad- mire that harem-scarem sort of Government, he will bribe the Shah to go West and_grow up with the country for a few days, and Ulysses will act as Shah ad interim during his absence. As nine hundred and forty-seven wives are capable of making it lively enough for any one man of ordinary intellect, Grant will not get up awar in Persia. Buying bonnets and bustles for a regiment of wives is secular amusement enough, that’s a fact! The ex-President will charter a balloon in Persia, and “slaughter a brace of ornithologi- cal specimens with a single rock”—z. ¢., dis- cover an Eastern air current and sail to Paris, arriving in the French capital in season to make an hour’s address at the opening of the Exposi- tion of 1878. It is expected that while in Paris he will be tendered the Presidency of the French Republic. But he will not accept it. He will thank them for the compliment, and tell them to give it to the deserving poor. He will play a match game of Polo with James Gordon Bennett, for the championship and drinks for the crowd, and occasionally visit Oakey Hall and other ruins in London. He may also write a few religious poems for the London 7Zimes, and contribute some specimens of American humor to the columns of Punch. Grant expects to return to this country in sea- son to help Murphy inaugurate a temperance revival in New York city. Such, in brief, is the programme the ex-Pres- ident intends to carry out while abroad. It will be seen that it covers a great deal of ground —also water. He incidentally mentioned that at one time he seriously contemplated making a voyage to Africa to discover Stanley aad the source of the Nile, and assist the American ex- plorer to civilize the natives, by shooting them on the spot; but when he learned that all Stan- ley’s achievements were achieved in the second story back room of a London newspaper office, he wisely abandoned that idea. It is possible, however, that he may go on an Arctic expedi- tion, discover the North Pole, and bring it home with him. | Grant believes that during a heated term the North Pole might be cut into sections, and rented to the principal American cities for fabulous sums. But don’t let us be toosanguine. Even a successful General and an’ ex-President may discover, with R. Burns, that the ‘best laid plans of mice and men,” etc. WwW. A CONTEMPORARY says,“ ‘The’ American’ turf is going to grass.” ‘That s’od, cettainly. comicbooks.com