Puck — May 1877 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. A Texas editor accepted a position on a Baltimore paper, and the first week he was ar- rested three times for libel, had striking argu- ments with four offended individuals who came in to horsewhip him, and was stabbed between the shoulder-blades one night as he was leaving the office. At the expiration of ten days he re- signed his position. He said editing a news- paper in Baltimore was too tame work—not enough variety and excitement in it for him; and he had concluded to return to Texas, where an _editor’s duties were more varied, and re- quired a knowle |_¢ of pistol-practice.—Aorr. Herald. Way don’t President McMahon get a new shoemaker? If he did so he might not have so much trouble with the Rights and Lefts.— Phil- adelphia Bulletin. Wuen a Newark lover leaves the house of his adored one at a late hour in the evening, and walks musingly homeward beneath the twinkling stars, his fond fancy pictures her clothed in white samite, resting sweetly upon her pillow, with her unbound hair tossed about her sleep- ing face, and angels bending over her couch whispering heavenly dreams. Perhaps at that very moment, though, she is in the pantry gnawing hungrily on a ham-bone. — Newark Sunday Call. “Postat. card proposals,” read Miss Pert, indignantly, from the Washington news. “If a man has not got stamps enough for a letter he has not got stamps enough to get married. ‘No cards’ for me, if you please.”—Hoston Commercial Bulletin. “HaND-MADE pants for sale.” But we didn’t know handmaids wore—do they? News appears to be dreadfully “scurse” up in Maine. One of the Pine-tree papers, utterly desperate with ennui, records the occurrence of the eighth anniversary of the freezing to death of a litter of pigs.—San Antonio Herald. Ir is said that the man who explains the work- ings of a first-class refrigerator makes use of 400,000 words and 149,000 gestures, and then he only sells to one man out of sixteen. —Cin- cinnati Enquirer. RutINEBECK Gazelle: Horrible as it may sound, we are glad that a war is about to occur in Eu- rope. ‘The Russian and ‘Turkish names will kill off the individuals who read aloud in the gro- cery stores. A COMPETENT authority informs the Chicago Tribune that religious ice-cream this year will be cut even lower in the saucer than usual. A Missouri clergyman is asked to vacate the pulpit just because he had three wives living and is suspected of having poisoned the fourth. Church congregations are becoming so par- ticular that after a while a clergyman will not be permitted to have any worldly enjoyment at all. —WNorvistown Herald. Tue Chicago Zribune calls Jim Blaine ‘the latest thing in petticoats.” “A number of dogs were shot in the East End last night.""—Saturday’s Leader. Served them right... Let them keep their east ends out of danger.— Oil City Derrick. Ex-Gov. BeveRIDGE wants to be Collector at Chicago, but Hayes is opposed to beverage, yer know.— Exchange. Ir is ‘rather early for roasting ears, and yet we notice a great many people wiping the per- spiration from the side of their heads.—Oi/ City Derrick. ‘Tne Hartford Zimes records the death of Mr. Aab, who always had the distinction of heading the list of names in the directory, in whatever city he lived. a Tue directors of the railway across the de- sert between Alexandria and Suez set an ex- ample of humanity to their colleagues of Eu- rope.» They have caused sign-boards to be erected at all stations on the line warning pas- sengers not to commit suicide by throwing themselves across the rails, as it impedes the traffic, and may lead to accidents.—London Yorick. Tue Rochester Democrat says: “There is so much talk about it that the truth might as well come out at once—Gail Hamilton is James G. Blaine’s grandmother.” ‘To promote woman to a hire position— engage her as a lady-help.—Qutte funny for an English paper. “Now, you don’t mean to testify that my client looked like a hard character?” said a prisoner's lawyer in the General Sessions yester- day. “He had a patch over one eye, and his face was red,” was the answer, “Yes, yes—but wasn’t he dressed like a gentleman when he was arrested?” “Oh, yes, sir; he wore a suit that he had stolen from me.”—. Y. Sun, ‘Tuese: big standing shirt-collars are all right now, but how will it be along in dog-days? When one of them begins to melt and subside, the owner will think he is being embraced by a weeping clam.—Danbury News. Mr. Muttetr said the other day to an in- timate friend that if Samson had known as much about architecture as a recent supervising architect does, he could, without half trying, have erected a Hebraic Philistine Renaissance | mansard on the public building at Gaza which would have tumbled in and busted the crusts of twice as many lords of the Philistines with- out Samson having to put his shoulder to the pillar at all. — Chicago Tribune. ‘Tue season has arrived when the private ora- tions at the “Junior Exhibition,” at our col- leges, is announced, something after this fashion: “The Destruction of Jerusalem the Direet Re- sult of the Dorr War,” Henry McFrelinghuysen | Smith. ‘The Effects of Organic Protoplasm on the Aolic Digamma,” ‘Thaddeus Warsaw Stubbs. ‘The Relations of Greek Art to the Modern Development of the Potato Bug,” Hermann Blennerhasset Stiggins. “Samson as a Court House Architect,” William Epaminon- das Pipps.— Fat Contributor. Tuis has been a disastrous Winter for the Wisconsin apiaries, and it is expected that apes will be exceedingly scarce and high-priced dur- ing the forthcoming circus season.— Worcester Press. THe report that Brigham Young has thirty- six wives turns out to be a canard. He has only one wife. ‘The other thirty-five are merely “lady-helps.” Judge Shaeffer says so.—Nor- ristown Herald. A cirt worked the motto, ‘fl need Thee every hour,” and presented it to her chap. He says he can’t help it; it takes him two hours to milk the cows and feed the pigs, morning and evening, and business has got to be attended to.— Exchange. Bavaro remarks, in Andrews’ Bazaar: It is well known that ants have no sympathies. When a mother-in-law ant talks much, her daughter's husband simply wrings her neck and stores her up among the other domestic provi- sions for the coming winter. Mrs. Jane G. Swissenm has joined Mr. Blaine’s “ fire-in-the-rear” party, now so proudly commanded by Gail Hamilton.—Baltimore Bee. | adorned with her new dress. ‘THERE was a gentleman in the office yester- day morning who wanted to make arrangements to take charge of the editorial department of the Fulton Zimes, and though the salary was all satisfactory, yet he drifted out in the world, and will hereafter shuck oysters in a basement on First street. He didn’t think he could fill up the local department, and run a humorous column, and attend to the editorial notes, and select the miscellaneous matter, and attend to the advertisements, and make garden before breakfast, and clean out the cellar four times a year, and rake out the yard, and get trusted for his board, and survive an avalanche of flattery and six horse-whippings each morning, besides the other necessary duties of an editor; so the paper will continue under his present manage- ment. Cincinnati Enquirer: The name of Middle- town was derived from Moses by simply strik- ing out the “oses,” and inserting the ‘iddle- town.” Tr nature were run on the plan of the monthly magazines, it would be about time for the first edition of June bugs.—Boston Advertiser. ‘Tue festive bed-bug now wakes from his tor- pidity, takes a lunch of the remnants of last year’s poison and gains strength to start on the summer campaign.— Washington Nation. “Are the children safe?” asked the Christian Union. Quite safe, we assure you. ‘They are up in the garret, playing hotel fire. Jimmie is the clerk, and is trying to slide down the water- pipe to the ground. Willie is a guest, hanging to the window sill and waiting for the flames to reach his hands before he tries to drop to the shed roof, two stories below, and Tom isa heroic fireman, and has tied his fishing line around the baby’s body and is letting it down to the ground, Oh, yes, the children are all right; just finish your call and don’t fret about the children.— Burlington Hawkeye. Even the four-year-olds cry for spring styles. ‘The other morning little Clara wanted to be “T haven't time to dress you now,” said mama; “go away and play,” but Clara contemplated the busy needle in her mama's ‘new styles” for a moment, and philosophized: ‘Well, if you don’t have time to take care of us, what do you buy little girls for?”"— Boston Traveller. Wuar is a slur? A remark made by one singer about another. A rest? Going out of the choir during sermon for refreshment. A brace? Two singers steadying each other when they come back. Singing in time? Trying to see which will beat. Sympathetic music? Flirting with the soprano singer behind the organ.— St, Louis Times. “Goon heavens!” cried the lady, “do you mean to say you would use anybody else's tooth brush?” “‘ Certainly,” replied the woman, “ It's the only thing I see handy for killing this roach.” — Philadelphia Chronicle. Wuy does the good wife of the reformed drunkard rejoice? Because the husband doesn’t liquor any more. (Send stamp for further in- formation.)—Lowell Journal. A MINISTER who had twice married the same couple-—a divorce occurring between the two marriages—remarked that he didn’t wish toadd 2 repairing department to his business.— Bing- hamton Democrat. Rocuester Express: Governor Robinson vetoed the school-ma’am bill because a girl was always at the head of his class. ‘This is one of time’s revenges. News: Numerous Danbury boys made, their advent in bare feet ‘Thursday. Where the sun rested on the flagging they didn’t. |S —_____ comicbooks.com