Puck — March 1877 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

PUCK. maid’s Road to Wealth.” He is also an authority on art, and has a waddle and lisp which are the envy of all rival AMerateurs. The “solid” mau of the concern is the chief in a large railroad, who has recently developed |. a marvelous passion for art ‘and is paying the most extravagant prices for old chromos.. The “boys” are sorry for this, for, before he was taken with the mania, he was one of the jolliest and most liberal men in the club. In his lucid intervals, he is still a jovial fellow, and keeps up the reputation of being “our best-dressed | member”, I must not omit mention of our standing candidate for Member of Assembly, who is, also, the bosom friend and companion of Chief Justice Waite. Nor should I forget our political member, he who complains of the hydra-headed (Hamilton calls it ‘‘hydrant-headed”) monster of corruption that stalks abroad in high places.” Signor Honora Mulloni, the musical member, is well known to all musicians. He is an authority on wind instruments and blowing generally. “He arranges our musical soirées, and usually performs all but the first and last pieces himself. He is, however, free from the vice of most musical-club-men,— he is not connected with any bogus piano firm. Lastly, let me mention our worthy steward who, as he himself has frequently informed me, has lost more money during his connection with our club than he ever had. The unpaid pads in’this poor “fellow’s safe (he always locks them up, as they are not likely to be called for) are crumbling to pieces with age. ‘The House Committee have promised to supply him with slate or tin pads, “ warranted not to wear out”, I will inform you how the new arrangement works in my next. In conclusion, I should state that ours is an “esthetic club.” I have it on the best authority. The only piano man in our organization is my informant. He said one evening, in my hearing, when told that the restaurant did not pay, because the members forgot to settle their accounts: ‘‘ Well, why should it? Shentlemen, dis ish nota gorging cloob, itsh an zshtetic cloob!” And 50 it is. GH. H. MARKS, R. B. H. 10S. J. T. adly I salute thee, lucky friend and rival; Sadly I confess that thou hast won the battle; Are the fruits of victory in this struggle always Gathered by the vanquished? 0) Heze I find myself but the slave of office— Slave of whims and forms—everybody’s lacquey; While thou sittest there, dignified and placid, Free and independent. * I but come and go at the beck of others,— “Leaders”, who are bustling noisily around me In a patriotic fervor which is nourished By the spoils of party. Wheresoe’er I turn is the office-seeker; Wheresoe’er I turn are the bore and flunky; Wheresoe’er I turn are my own bulldozers Seeking to devour me! | Grover had to postpone indulging in Wheresoe’er I turn is the scandal-monger; See the name I cherish covered with reproaches! Tam launched already ona dark and beedless Sea of defamation. a ey salts thee, oy, friend and brother, thy peace, ness and freedor x Fora week ducloses thir succes! is fail zi He who wins is beaten! failure— PUCK’S ESSENTIAL OIL OF CONGRESS, SENATE, WEDNESDAY, MARCH 71. Vice _ Presi- DENT WHEELER told Lafayette Grover, of Ore- gon, to walk up to the desk to swear, and be a Senator, and do as the other boys did. Senator Ham Lin said, not if he knew it, un- til Senator Mit- chell overhauls his papers. So rof- anity, and the case of the patriotic Ke - LocG, the would-be Senator from Louisiana, was then considered. _ Senator Bayarp said Kellogg wasn’t a Senator. Senator Biaine insisted that he was as much a Senator as Hayes was President; same return- ing boards did the business. He hoped that his tongue might remain in his cheek, and his right hand forget its cunning, if he ever went back on him. Senator Morton knew Kellogg was Senator, and as for there being anything in the shape of fraud in Louisiana, why that was a popular delusion. No Republican was ever known to cheat, no, not if he were paid for it. SENATOR MitcHet1’s disposition was natur- ally of so angelic a character, that he found it awfully hard to oppose so honorable a man as Grover, who was a fraud, a receiver of bribes and corrupt generally. (Here Mr. Mrtcuent shed tears.) KELLOGG was now ordered to lie on the table for the present—that is to say his case was, MARCH ot. Senator Grover having been duly admitted, said, if ever there existed an A 1 teak-built and copper-fastened individual, he was that man,— he therefore demanded an investigation. Agreed to. Yeas, everybody. Nays, nobody. PresipenT Hayes's Cabinet nominations were referred to the several Senate Committees. Some of them were reported for confirmation, but there were many wry faces at having to swallow, without any pretense of sugar-coat- ing, the cabinet-pills. HENS AS PIPE-LAYERS. = SGA VOLUTION has overtaken the Massa- Be chusetts hens. On every hand are found support and illustration for the beautiful hypothesis with which the name of Darwin has been linked, and now the Yankee hen has come forward to add her testimony. It is a Pittsfield fowl— the one particularly alluded to—and is owned by one Locke. She has ceased laying eggs of the ordinary ovoid pattern, and has in’ to produce eggs with a hollow stem, re- sembling the short clay pipe of an Irishman that has been used about three years—the pipe we mean. Clipping off one end of this marvelous egg, we have a perfect pipe-bowl, of the usual size, from the bottom of which extends a stem turning at-a right angle, about the size ofa pipe-stem, and an inch-and-a-half long. Three of these have already been produced, end there are indications of a regular supply, if the feath- ered architect can be properly encouraged. As Wallace has shown, new varieties tend to become permanent, and even the so-called freaks of nature can pe perpetinted by careful protection and interbreeding. If Pittsfield can establish a new breed of Meerschaum Fowls, / every member of which can be relied on to tun out a good, strong egg, with a handle to it, it will assume the first importance among’ our — manufacturing towns. Locke can knock off work, run for the Legislature, and ‘make of life a joyful holiday.” An extra ration of lime every morning would soon so toughen the shells that they could be smoked for some time with- out danger of breaking, and the diet could be further modified for the purpose of improving the pattern and texture of the article. For fancy purposes, the hens could be fed on creosote, yellow ochre, or carmine, so that the pipes would be beautifully colored and decor- ated in the very process of manufacture. A pipe, illuminated with fantastic and gorgeous devices, without requiring industrious devotion in back-rooms, would immediately command a premium in any market, for many valuable and talented young men, who now spend their even- ings in conferring a delicate tinge upon their meerschaums, would be released for the benefit of quilting parties and other social enterprises. It will be observed that all qualities and pat- terns of pipes can thus be produced by artifi- cially breeding towards the characteristic de- area By interbreeding fowls that produce eggs with the longest stems, stems of any length can ultimately be attained, and it is not improb- able that an egg could at last be reached having a lid opening with hinges and perhaps a hook to hang it up by. There is no end to possibilities in this direction. The substitution of other minerals for lime in the feed would be followed by a corresponding change of the egg to glass, porcelain, china, and other precious wares, and even the metals might profitably be introduced. It is not necessary to follow up the hint. The Meerschaum Hen 1s the hen of the future. Tur. FITZNOODLE iN- NEW YORK. I. HE VISITS THE PARK THEATRE Ya-as, some things in this country ar. doosid_widiculous; so different from London, yer kriow. % Jack Camegie ac- 7 tually dwopped on me at the Bwevoort —left his wegiment in Canada and took awun over to New York. Jack ain’t a bad sort of a fellaw, wather boisterious, but ‘ good form.” Said we'd go to the Park Theatre— ish funny to nameit Park Theatre when it ain’t ina park at all. They called the piece “ Our Boarding-House.” What absurd places boarding houses must be. I never understand plays; it baws a fellow, you know—and all the fellaws and the women on the stage did such odd things. A postman brings in letters and a lot of people sit down to dinner. Some fellaw be- hind me, who looked awfully like a cad, said it was “hash.” Hash! Whatis hash? I wish fellaws in Amewicaw would use words that a fellaw could understand. There's a fellaw who looks like those fellaws you see about Leicester Square, but I don’t understand Italian. Then there's a fellaw who's got some balloons, and a fellaw who has a vewy bad tailor and dwawls disgustingly. ‘Then there's a fellaw who does something with a gun, and an infant who has thin legs, and a big woman’ who says her old man was ‘a gouger”, and not a bad-looking girl who was widow or a | of the sort. All the snobs in the place laughed so much, and as I didn’t know what they were ing at, fack and I went to an Amewican club, of which am an honowawy member,