Life — November 2, 1928 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

LIFE I] Am Not Amused [ant not amused by “funny sayings” of “tiny tots” or by super- annuated Pat and Mike gags. | am not amused by movie shots depicting Hollywood hams in the réles of targets for custard ies, shaving lather, ink, glue, mud and axle grease. I am not amused by Pocetious friends who telephone me at 4:45 A. M. to inquire after my health or by practical jokes resulting in a six- weeks’ visit to the hospital. Iam not amused by endless anecdotes in Swedish dialect or by penny peepshows disclosing “Naughty Girls at Play.” I am not amused by Old English puns or by Lithuanian folk songs. lam not amused by U. S. Ambassadors to foreign lands who fulfil their worthy duties by enacting the parts of circus clowns. 1am not amused by Lives of the Party who perform juggling feats with the lobster salad or by frisky old men who cut up nightly w ith eighteen-year-old cuties. Tam not amused by two-a-day comedians who sing mammy songs, off key, in a strong Semitic accent or by after-dinner speakers who give imitations of mosquitoes, bees, hornets and other insects. I am not amused by pe Fool candy or by trained dog acts. I am not amused by the mispronunciation of the word “asparagus’’ or by virtuosos who are able to whistle through their teeth. I am not amused by cigarette cases that, when opened, cause a spring snake to pop out or by being walloped with stockings stuffed with sand. 1am not amused by fat, middle-aged females who behave like little children or by trick boutonniéres that spray ammonia. 1am not amused by inebriates who repeat their thoughts over and over throughout dinner or by wags who leave messages to all up the aquarium and ask for Mr. Fish. | am not amused by wheezes built around the Ford car or by doctors with an ever-jovial bedside manner. 1am not amused by discovering my picnic sandwich to be completely enveloped in spilled mayonnaise and pepper or by falling headfirst down a slippery doorstoop. I am not amused by puzzles that are insoluble or by people who steal up behind me and explode inflated paper bags in my ear. I am not amused by moving stairways that trip me up or by roller-coasters that jump the track. 1am not amused by dentists who attempt witticisms while Tundergy the tortures of the Spanish Inquisition or by 100°/, smartalecks who, being told that an amount comes to so many francs, shillings, or marks, inquire: “How much is that in real money?” I am not amused by the phonetic drolleries of saxo- phone “kings” or by hick coppers who mistake me for “One- red Pete” and slam me into the hoosegow. Jam not amused by commencement reunions, “get-together” tanquets, amateur benefits, sneezing powder, explosive cigars, Limburger cheese or laughing gas. I am not amused by notices announcing my demise in the obituary column. Charles G. Shaw. KITCHEN HELPS How to Prepare a Four-Minute Egg in the Absence of a Watch or Clock, or without Having to Refer to a Sun Dial on Dark Mornings. Instal phonograph in the kitchen. Bring water to a boil on tange. Place Mary Lewis record, Meditation from “Thais,” on phonograph. Start record. Simultaneously drop egg in water. At conclusion of selection, remove egg. Selection lasts exactly four minutes. THIS IS A TESTED RECIPE. H.V. W. ILLITERATE DICTIONARY Exkibition—What Mr. Freud says you have a couple of. Communication—An overgrown railroad ticket. Recipe—What you get when you pay for something. Alleviated—Under the influence of liquor. Octopus—An eight-sided square. y= you buy clothes you buy appearance —good, bad or indifferent. Good appearance is worth more—and ought to cost more. But it is outstand- ingly true that the fine distinction of Browning- King clothing does NOT cost more, and usually less, than the indifferent, the standardized and the commonplace. New York - One East 45th St., at Fifth Ave. Chicago— Monroe & Wabash «+... and thirty other smart, convenient stores comicbooks.com