Life — May 31, 1928 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“| ACCEPT THE NOMINATION” Your offer struck me like what the bet- ter fed English Authors call “ta bolt from the Blue.” It leaves me dazed, and If I can stay dazed I ought to make a splendid Candidate. Now I know after being nominated for anything, its customary after first buying a drink, to register modesty (in fact, the modesty lasts no longer than the drink). Every Candidate always says, “Why there is dozens of men that is more com- tent to fill this office than I am.” Well dont feel that way about it at all, It looks like you Boys was inspired when you made your choice, For after all its | only the office of Candidate that I ‘am accepting. You know it dont take near as ood a man to be Candidate as it does to fal the office, Thats why we wisely de- feat more than we elect. Now you might have found “a dozen better men than me” But I doubt it. I mixx I can accept defeat in as poor English, and with as well hidden “Sour Grapes" as anyone you could have chosen. In fact I have already got in my mind the message of congratulation to the win- ner, and am really anxious to hurry up and lose, just to see how it will look in print. When I was thrown out as Mayor of a certain alleged Town on account of being called a Puritan, when I come out against poligimy, I took defeat without an Alabi, which proved that I had none of the earmarks of a Politician. 1 was imme- diately made President of “The Ex May- ors Association of America.” By the way there is an organization that will grow, For as long as there is an honest election there will always be another Ex Mayor. I am heartuly in accord with the Anti Bunk Party, But by its very name it means that we will have no political sup- port. Now I admit I can make a living outside politics, Now when you admit that you can live without depending on politics, you lose right there the support of all politicians, For if there is one by Will Rogers Our Candidate registers “modesty” thing that a politician hates worse than a recount, its somebody that is not in their business. That we have had our nomination without cost or expense to the taxpayer will be against us. Hotels will be against us, for not fur- nishing the “Back room” for the nomina- tion, Every City will be against us for not holding our Convention there all but Houston, and Kansas City. Tere 1s one thing there wont be in our Party and thats Party Leaders, I think that what hurts our two big Po- litical Partys worse than getting caught, is Party Leaders. No Party is as bad as its State and National Leaders. We are going to try and climinate Slogans, Slogans have been more harmful to the country than Bo-Weevil, Luncheon Clubs, Sand Fleas, Detours, Conventions, and Golf Pants. Now we may alienate the entire female vote, but there will be no effort for Sex Appeal. Of course if it unconsciously manifests itself, why we cant help it, But it will by no means be one of the planks in our Platform, In fact the last election has almost proven that it is not essential. Now all this comes on me so quick that it leaves me as the ambitious, but less read American Authors would say “Dumb,” I have had in this temporary acceptance no time to draft a Platform. But you can rest assured that it will be plenty wide, In fact William Howard Taft could stroll with Marie Dressler and Sophie Tucker on either Judicial wing, and not take undue precaution of stepping off. In sort our platform will be, WHATEVER THE OTHER FELLOW DONT DO, WE WILL. Now no man would want a broader, or more numerous planked platform than that. Now a word to the Republican voters, We wont be able to pay you anything for your votes, so that will naturally eliminate all Republican support, And as we can’t pay the Democrats, they will naturally if they have to vote for nothing stay with their own Party, For they have been vot- ing for nothing for years. So offhand its hard to see where our support is coming from. There will also be no promise of jobs, For no defeated Candidate has ever been able to give anyone a job, So that is one bit of Bunk that will be eliminated early. Our support will have to come from those who want NOTHING, and have the assurance of getting it. Now tus whole acceptance is based on one thing, and that is this, IF ELECTED I ABSOLUTELY AND POSITIVELY AGREE TO RESIGN. Thats my only Campaign pledge, or Slogan, ELECT ROGERS AND HE WILL RESIGN. Thats offering the Country more than any Candidate ever offered it in the en- tire History of its existence. (Watch this space next week for some sensational platform announcements.) comicbooks.com