Life, 1916-09-14 · page 21 of 38
Life — September 14, 1916 — page 21: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This 1919 satirical poem by Wallace Irwin mocks American naval preparedness anxieties and bureaucratic absurdity during potential wartime. The "Cubist" style fragments a naval battle scenario into disjointed, illogical exchanges. **The satire targets:** 1. **Secretary of the Navy Josephus Daniels** (referenced repeatedly)—mocked for installing trivial amenities (laundry, rest-rooms, movie theaters) aboard warships instead of prioritizing combat readiness. Daniels was known for naval reforms and prohibition advocacy. 2. **Congressional budget debates**—Congressman Kitchin's attempts to cut massive naval appropriations are presented as absurdly penny-pinching when the Navy boasts luxury amenities. 3. **Military incompetence**—an Admiral who cannot fight because sailors have Thursdays off, schedules battle for Friday the 13th "weather permitting," and argues about boat counts. The poem suggests American naval leadership is so consumed with comfort and bureaucracy that it cannot effectively defend the nation. The fragmented, nonsensical dialogue structure mirrors this mental confusion—the poem's "cubism" reflects a fractured, irrational military establishment.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Cubist Poem (Descriptive of a certain state which may confront the United mental States Navy if we don’t look out.) HE Admiral Stood on the bridge, Awaiting the moment when the German or Japanese or Mexican or Swiss Fleet should decide to go Into action. . The enemy squadron was some 21 13 #4 Miles away. And they seemed pretty M A D 000 ....” Admiral ; --4" 5- Came a wireless cipher from the ene- my flagship, “You had better surrender, Because Our vessels are equipped with longer- range guns, swifter engines, bet- ter armor plate than Yours.” “Huh!” whizzed the Admiral’s wire- less reply Across the blue, “If you're going to brag, We're pretty up-to-date ourselves. The Sccretary of the Navy (Salute by alt.) Has just installed in this vessel A Private Laundry. Also, there is a rest-room sailors On every deck, Hot and cold water, janitor service And a moving picture theatre Under the gun-turrets. You naughty, naughty foreigner To Boast So! Whereat the crew joined hands and sang the following Chantey : “We're deep-sea dog: Milk-and-water spaniels. for the sa 9) id Every doggie has his day, Every sailor has his Daniels.” BOOM!!! (Stars indicate the explosion of an enemy shell.) “Stop!” cried the Admiral. You can't do that, you know.” “But I have twice as many boats as you Objected the enemy. “You can't said the Ad- miral. “Counting the ones Secretary Daniels has retired for the purpose of economizing in labor, We have quite a few. ALSO. Aren't you aware that Congress, after three years of debate, will, may- be, give us the greatest navy the world has ever seen? Just look at that billion-dollar naval appropria- tion which Congressman Kitchin is trying to cut down to 3oc.!” prove it,” WHY HE WAS NOT DRESSED IN 449 “Well,” came a voice from the en- emy, “When will it be convenient for to fight?” you “To-day is Thursday,” Said the Admiral, consulting his “ Of course we can't fight Thursda Our sailors have that day off; The Sceretary's orders, you know. Let’s call it Friday, January 13th, 1919. pect seven or eight battle- cruisers to be Ready— Weather permitting.” ee Then we e: . reengp (More shots.) Was the enemy's reply Whereat the debate was interrupted by the fact that Ne Shy ? w “ae On, 2, Wallace Irwin, TIME FOR THE EIGHT-FIFTEEN comicbooks.com