Life — April 6, 1916 — page 70: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

TIRES of CHARACTER | IHE true test of a non-skid tread is not only its ability to meet an emer- gency. Many inferior tires, like men of the same type, acquire a repu- tation through rising to a crisis once or BATAVIA Security Tires prove themselves to be tires of character in the countless tests of wear and speed = in day-to-day routine. The emergencies are taken for granted, Is your car tired— or are you? Try BATAVIAS. THE BATAVIA RUBBER CO. : BATAVIA - NEW YORK TOUCHSTONE In the words of Gouchstone, we speak for ourselves— “Why, if thou never ‘sawest The Theatre,’ then thou never sawest ‘a good theatrical magazine,’ if thou nev- J er sawest ‘this magazine’ then thy / it| ‘ignorance’ must be wicked, and / Th wickedness is sin, and sin is damna- / Teese tion. Thou art in a parlous state, / Magazine ‘reader.’ ” / 12W.38thSt. / New York City And we speak specially for the April Shakespeare / ue, with its wonderful articles on Shakespeare Pleas and his time, and its rare old woodcuts and en- gravings. The Theatre Magazine /» We will enter you as a subscriber to The Theatre —/ ype beginning with the April issue if you will sign and address the coupon at the side. Wewill / bill you May Ist, or you can send as your check for $3.50 if you prefer. jbl giprianesertese Song of the Reducers OME, all ye afflicted, whose chief of woes Is grossly superfluous adipose, And learn of our Method of Growing Thin— Relief to the Slaves of the Triple Chin! Regard a potato with awe and dread; You mustn't eat cereals, cheese or bread Or custards or puddings or cakes or pies Or sugar or butter or sweets or fries. Then, sloughing the dross of your fine physique, You soon will be losing a Pound a Week. A Pound a Week, and a Pound a Week! If thistledown grace be the boon you seek, Adhere to the diet whereof we speak And soon you'll be losing a Pound a Week. Think not we have left you with naught to eat! There's cabbage, tomatoes and fruit and meat And all of the garden-truck heart could wish, With eggs in their loveliness, fowl and fish. But touch not the flesh of the pigling small, And never, no never, drink milk at all, Nor cocktails nor whiskey nor beer or such; And don’t you be lazy or sleep too much. Then, though you were like a museum freak, You'll lose, at the lowest, a Pound a Week. A Pound a Week, and a Pound a Week! What joy to be slim as a heron’s beak! Abandon the ranks of the fat and sleek And join us in losing a Pound a Week. Arthur Guiterman, The Pugilistic Circle HIS, then, is the circle of pugilistic championships: To be young, vigorous and ambitious to become more expert to whip more opponents to conquer the champion himself to make as much money out of the championship as possible to dissipate recklessly to grow weak and flabby to lose the championship to some one who is young, vigor- ous and ambitious to become more expert to whip more opponents to conquer the champion himself to make as much money as possible to dissipate recklessly and so on and on until one is not quite sure whether it is the manly art of self-defense or the unmanly art of self-destruction. a Artist: WHAT'S THE MATTER? IT'S A GOOD JOKE. ISN'T 1T? “17'S A VERY GOOD JOKE, THE FIRST TIME I HEARD THAT JOKE I LAUGHED TILL THE TEARS ROLLED DOWN MY PINAFORE.” comicbooks.com