Life — August 6, 1914 — page 15: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“*Engineer drunk!’ say each report” service. Wood is better for cars than steel because it bounces better and does not hit so hard when collided. 4—Every attemp were made to inter- view Hon. Engineer, but could not do, thank you, because dead. How- everly, empty bottle marked ‘Oil’ were dishcovered in overalls, so it were evidently plain that unfor- tunate man had been habitual drunker of cocktails concealed in coal oil. “From these conclusions, Hon. Board of Directors, your Inspector are saddishly obliged to admit that Hon. Engineer were blame for wreck be- cause of his saloonatic habits.” When Hon. R. R. Pres stop off read- ing that Report he feel much stronger in elbows, “R. R. officials,” he say so, “are like all other Christian marters. They are blameworthless men continually picked onto by peev and complaint. Yet all we require is to be let alone with 35% dividends, If something must be re- formed in our roads, let W. C. T. U. speak crossly to our engineers.” “My Aunt Taki Kati belong to 219 Woman's Heathen Temperence Union of Tokio,” I snuggest. “ Perhapsly she could start movement to divorce all engineers from saloons—” “O not to do!” holla Hon. Pres ex- citatiously. “If Demon Rummy was entirely removed away from Engineers, to what could we blame our wrecks to?” I am puzzled for reply. Hoping you are the same Yours truly Hasnimura Toco. (Per Wallace Irwin.) Uninteresting People (Note:—We have started this depart- ment against our own inclination, in response to a universal demand. If you know any uninteresting peo- ple, send in an article about them. It ill be gladly received.) JETER PANHANDLE: This gen- tleman is without doubt the most uninteresting railroad president we have. He rose to his mighty position through several acts of Congress and a number of bond issues. He received his education in a car-house, and his conversations about railroad bookkeep- ing have never been equalled for lack of interest. He has also read one of Shakespeare's plays. Jane Plunkett: The rise of this lady from a humble beginning, becom- ing at last one of the most uninter- esting female figure of modern times, is now history. Escaping from a Si- berian prison, she crossed Europe in a drosky, came to this country disguised as a stoker, worked in a factory, and is now on our editorial staff. In spite of her adventures, she never forgets herself for a moment, and is always uninteresting, as her articles constantly show. Simon Strum: The most uninterest- ing boy in America. He spends all of his time in studying the text-books used in our public schools. During the past year he has read five hundred of them, and still retains his reason. This fact enables him to keep up his reputa- tion for being so wonderfully uninter- esting that he is a constant source of surprise, even to those who are fairly familiar with the material he works in.