Life — November 6, 1913 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

‘LIFE: Letters of a Japanese School-boy Are Feetballing Most Fashionable Form of ‘Death 2 To Editor “ Life Printing” who are different from other newspapers because you do not print any comic section, EAR SIR:— My Cousin Nogi, who studies newspapers for American education every morning (a. m:) read me thig itemized paragraph with alarmed eyebrow: “Early in afternoon 10,000 spectators enjoyed i very amusing accident. Hon. Fingy Honeywell, prominent ro, made flying start and was jolted down to field with loudy scrash. Nothing was injured except his bones, which was all broken. . . .” “O shocks!" I holla. “Aviation should be stopped by “This are not Aviation,” snib Nogi. “It are Feetball.” “Than I am no longer shock,” I deliver. “ Feetball are merely a play-game for boys while aviation are a severe science.” “Are you not equally dead when killed?” require Nogi, who admire my educational replies. “Not similiarly,” I depose chivalrously. “There is something fancy & famus about being killed by air- ships. But when you are murdered by. feetball there is no one to adinire but Vassar eating chocolate. Death by aviation are more glorious than any other disease. When a taxi- cab graduate pay s60$ to Slaughter- house Aviation School his course of instruction should include one pair leather pajamas and one handsomely engraved death certificate. With im- mediate quickness he become favorite hero of Obituary Editor on newspaper who come out to airo grounds fre- quently for see how he is getting along. This hero go uply and downly in sight of Newport who expect to go to his funeral. In meantime he mects and marries blondish lady who will look well in black and Life Insurance takes away his policy because he is sipposed “to be dead already. Thusly everything are deliciously prepared. “One day, while giving flightly exhi- bition before Annual Clambake and Ghost Dance of Physical Research Society he gain sooo$ prize by showing how airships can be flew upside down and burst neck while doing so. Great excitement enjoyed by telegraph. Next morning portrait of dead aviator, por- portrait of Harold McCormick, Count Zippelin, Harry Thaw and other famus flights are published in 5 languages. *Yesterday’s accident,’ say news-print, ‘ show that aviation are rapidly approaching perfection, because Harold Huck- leback, dead aviatc’, came down more gently than any other death this week. Prof. Alec Graham Bell, when inter- viewed about it, say, “A tremendous improvement!” Hon. Huckleback’s life were devoted to science and his death was enjoyee by ali, He were the 11,232d man killed by aviatior this year, thus already passing proud record of 1913. The we:id do move in spite of muckrakes!’ “This,” I lecture onward, “are the most fashionable way to die off. How old-style it is to be killed in feetball! Reporters are becoming disgustly discourteous to this form of murder. When report come down from New Haven like following: Kitep Cuthbert Halifax, age 21 Roxberry Mudd, age 19 Injured J. Pierrepont Marblehead Unknown Jewish gentleman we are disabled to tell whether it are an account of a feetball game or merely another save-money attempt of N. Y., N. H. & Hartford to make both ends meet.” “Are not Hon. Walter Camp and other Supreme Courts doing consider- able to make feetball more safer?" my ignoramulous Cousin ask it. “ Feetballing in Connecticutt are like railroading in that same State,” I olli- cute distinctually. “ Considerable are being done and nothing accomplished. Reforming Yale are like reforming Mellen. Just when Safety Commission are setting on side-lines with score hook, attemping to figure whether death-rate can be more quickly dis- couraged by semaphore system or elec- tric signal—scrashy!!—another jarr oc- cur and fractures are picked up by hospitals. Only way to make them entirely safe is to build them of solidi- fied steel, which would make them more comfortable but less amusing to see when they bump.” “Are you now talking about Pull- mans or Varsities?” Nogi ask it. “Both,” I snignify clamly. “Both are equally dangerous weapons “Should they be stopped by law?” he negotiate. “Tam useless to tell,” I say so. “If trait of inventor, portrait of widow, othing was injuced except his bones” railroads was stopped it would dis- comicbooks.com