Life — September 18, 1913 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

oo a aa “cor it!” never be attached to a truthful throat, because it look too noble to be genuine. By its looseflop ends and common- peoplular knot it proclaim, ‘I refuse to tie myself. 4-in- handishly to resemble Theodore Roosevelt or Theodore Shonts. My knot shall never be hard like a plutocat, containing diamond pins full of hatred for downtroddiness and poverty. This necktie shall flow, shall tangle, shall loop the loop to resemble Hon, Elbert Hubbard and other famous actoresses. As a Necktie, I are a National In- stitution, large enough for all, my heart beating for less fortunate persons and my hand willing to clasp the hand of engineers out of work. Beneath these silkish folds Honest Labor, fleaing away from Hon. Thos Fortune Ryan in wicked silk hats, shall hide himself and sob to sleep. “*Where e’er the Noble Necktie flutters The bubbling flow of Seltzer splutters.’” Thusly say Hon. Strunsky, Irish salooner. “Are it not a good thing for a Necktie to be noble?” I ask out. It are,” explode Hon, Strunsky, “but it are better to wear your nobility underneath your shirt-front, not top- side of it.” “Yet nobility are always worn outside in Congress where nobody is seldom peached for dishonesty,” I renig brack- fully. “There are so many there you cannot catch them,” report him, “Yet Governors stand lonesome like boils where they can be stabbed.” “Shall the peaching of this wicked Gov be a dignified tragedy?” I yop. “It most shall!” he say so. “All members of N. Y. Legislature shall stand hatlessly while Senator Frawley take words of Murphy over telephone. Hon. Wm Seltzer,’ he shall say, ‘you are disabled to deny that on the date of Mch 3 you received following donations from citizen: Jake Schiff & Co Leftie Looie Benevolent As: Queensboro Y. M. C. A. Unknown Admirer John Wanamaker s “ “Neither with your brain or with your necktie can you deny this. Yet we ask to know, how you spend this money? Did you buy drinks for visiting delegates of White Slave Union or purchase repeaters for legitimate campane purposes as specified among duties by Code 13, article 9? You did not, yet you was instructed by our office. “*This are a criminal offense Also, we do not like the way you have been speaking to us in correspondence. You are useless to our Organization and carcless about answering telephone. Therefore you will hand over the keys to our Mr Glynn when he calls. (signed) Cuartes F. Mureny, Proprietor of New York?” “Will all State Legislature agree to this enthusiasm?” I corrode. “ All but traitors. When that document is read they will all stand chewing tobacco for fifteen minutes, after which there will be prayers by the Chaplain and drinks at the Capitol Bar.” “What if Hon. Seltzer should glue himself to his dis- honest desk and refuse to bludge?” I revoke. But Hon. Strunsky merely continue selling beer to drunkards while saying, “ You are worrying!” Hoping you are the same Yours truly Hasurmvura Toco. (Ver Wallace Irwin.) “0, FRED, THERE'S A DARLING BLACK ANCHISAURUS FOLLOW- ING US; LET’S KEEP HIM FOR COOD LUCK.” comicbooks.com