Life — January 4, 1912 — page 51: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

UNCOMFORTABLE THOUGHT THE EMPEROR OF INDIA might INTRODUCE EASTERN ETIQUETTE AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE Every tick of the clock brings me nearer death, It must not be forgotten, however, that an outward mask of cheerfulness may often be adopted with good ef- fect, when it concezls an inward despair. It is one of the great arts of Pessimism to know how far this may be car- ried. Tc this end the methods of true pessimists should be studied. A genuine pessimist can always be detected; his very smiling is done for a purpose; his cynicism is never too apparent, but only used to bring out the deep gloom. At the foundation of his whole scheme of life is the settled conviction that nothing is useful, nothing is worth while, and that all must end. in disaster. By becoming firmly convinced of this, you will in time accomplish wonders. A sudden and unprepared-for joy will only convince you that it cannot last and that in the end you will be worse off than before. Thus all things will work together for a common purpose. The Pessimists’ Club, which is now a national institu- tion, offers a sure haven to all those who are already pes- simists, or wish to become such. The club parlors are al- ways open. No preliminaries are necessary. It offers a mecting ground for all pessimists, and if you have the slightest de- sire to be cheerful, you should join at once and have it speedily eradicated. In the meantime, The Complete Pessimist is offered to those whose melancholy duties prevent them from taking an active part in the functions of the club members. There is trouble ahead for all of us. Dull care sits upon the bedpost. Grim skeletons lurk everywhere in the shadows, Let us recognize this, and add to the inevitable flood of melancholy that is now setting in. Better join at once, as 2t any moment it may be too late. Nobody knows what may happen, even in the next few moments, Alas! L’Envoi W HEN the last of the answers to Kipling has been written and printed and read And cach vial of feminine fury has been carefully poured on his head, “We shall rest, and, faith, we shall need it"—at least for a moment or two, Till the deadliest male of the species finds something more deadly to do. RG. S.