Life — June 2, 1910 — page 34: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A TEST OF CALLANTRY Conductor: Witt ANY GENT ne 6000 AS FOR TO TAKE THIS YOUNG LADY IN HIS LAP? -From John Leech’s Pictur “ Punch. in winter, and maddening in sprin; fall. For a man of three foot six th are of ample proportions: for am; six foot three they leave much to be de- sired, and the tall man is kept all night in suspense as to whether he had best pull up the blanket \d freeze his fect or pull it down and dic of pneumonia. And then the joy of getting your clothes on in the morning, especially in an upper berth. To balance yourself on the back of your neck, and while in this constrained attitude adjust your pants without spilling out your change or of- fending the lady in the adjoining sec- tion, requires gymnastic ability of no mean order, You are at liberty to vary this exercise, however, by lying on your stomach on the bottom of the car and groping under the berth for your shoes which the African potentate has, in the still watches of the night, smeared with blacking and artfully concealed. But what a change comes o'er the dusky despot as you approach your des- tination, That frown before which you have learned to tremble is replaced by a smile of childlike blandness. His solici- totion regarding your comfort during the last ten minutes of the journey is really touching. And when, at last, he draws his deadly whiskbroom upon you, all your resentment disappears and you freely be- stow upon him the money which you have been saving to give your oldest daughter music lessons.—From “A Few Remarks.’” by Simcon Ford. Copyright, Doubleday, Page & Co. “LIFE: Our Railroads (Anonymous) He stood in the station, she at his side— She is a fair, young blushng bride. On their honeymoon they're starting now; It always follows the marriage vow He looks at the flaring railroad maps, At the train of cars and his baggage traps, . And whispered: “ Pettic, how shall we go— By the Kankakee or the Kokomo? These railroad maps confuse the eye, There's the C. B. Q. and the R. N.Y. And this one says your life’s at stake On any rr but the Sky Blue Lake. The N.ER.L. PQ. J Have sleepers on the entire wa: But I've learned these trains are much more slow That the Kankakee or the Kokomo.” She murmured: “ Sweetie, I've heard Pa say, What.a fine old road 1s the P. G. Ki; But. Mamma sgemed to disagre And prefers the X. S, H. O. P. This chart says, dearie, the views are fine On the Texas-Cowboy-Mustang line: But still, perhaps, we'd better go, On the Kankakee or the Kokomo.” A conductor chanced to pass them by. And the bridegroom caught his gentle He said: “Oh, man, with the cap of blue, Inform me quick, inform me true, Which road is best for a blushing, pur Young, timid bride on her wedding tour? And tellus quickly what you kn Of the Kankakee or the Kokome The conductor's eyes gave a savage gleam; These words rolled out in a limpid stream: “ There's the A. B. J. DLV. R.Z.. Connects with the — Flip-Flap-Biff- ng-B., You can change on the Legg-off Suc- ville Grand, And go through on the Pan-cake-ace- Full-Hand. That road you named is blocked by snow. The Kankakee and the Kokomo. “The Pennsylvania, Through, Connects with the Oshkosh Kalama- 200, With a smoking car all the afternoon, Just the thing for a honeymoon; And the Central-Scalp-Tooth-Bung- ville-Switch, Goes through a vineland country rich. Pittsburg Of the road you named I nothing know, The Kankakee and the Kokomo.” The bride said: “ Honey, ‘tis best, by far, Like the dollar, we return to Pa (That's pun I heard while on a train On the U. R. N. G. Jersey main).” The conductor smiled; his eye-teeth showed He had spoiled the trade of a rival road. He knew in his heart there was no show On the Kankakee or the Kokomo. And the bride and groom returned to Pa, Who heard it all and then said: “ Pshaw ! If you found you couldn't go that w: Why didn’t you go on the Cross-eyed Bay?” ‘The bridegroom gave a howl of pain; The railroad names had turned his brain. Ife raves, insane, forevermore; In a madhouse, chained. onto the floor, He gibbers: “Tootsie, shall we go, By the Kankakee or the Kokomo?” = —- 2 THE LATEST PRODIGY Dear Old Lady (with a view to a lit- tle moral teaching) : Now, DO EITHER OF YOU LITTLE BOYS SAY NAUGHTY WorpDs? Elder Brother: weit, MUM, 1 AIN'T MUCH OF A "AND AT IT MYSELF, BUT YOUNG BILL HERE IS A TREAT. CUSS FOR + BILL. —From the last volume of the “ But- terfly,” published in 183 in England. a lowe Be ZOO’ f US ris NO ither tells yo you are tell you Medel M ( comicbooks.com