Life — May 5, 1910 — page 46: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

834 An Interview With Halley's Comet (Continued from page 832) becomes regular if you follow it a mil- lion years. Look at William Jennings Bryan.” “Since your last trip to earth you have scen, I dare say, many interesting suns and planets. Has any place in the universe grown so fast as the United States? “The United what?’ asked the comet vaguely. The United States—the greatest na- tion on earth,"’ I quavered. “Oh, it's on earth, is it? I remem- ber the earth quite distinctly—cute, stubby little affair with an old-fashioned suburban orbit. But the United States— let me think—ah, yes! It's that queer triangular continent where they worship a god named Tariff and the divorce code is taught in the public schools.’ “How like a foreigner you talk!"" I cried in an injured tone. “I should expect such ignorance from a French- man, but from a heavenly body it is shocking.”” “Perhaps, perhaps,” responded the comet, who was much too big to notice y gnat-like sting. He set his far- ccing spectacles on the bridge of his nose and gazed thoughtfully at the earth. “Only yesterday I was looking over those United States, and it does look as though something had happened there during the past seventy-five years. For instance, I notice a big blotch which seems to have grown on the left shoul- der of the continent. What d’ye call that?" “That,’’ I said, “is New York City.” “Oh!” puffed the torch bearer. “If you have any more troubles of that sort to tell, out with 'em.”* “I don't see why you take such a peevish view of my country,” I “America in the past three-quarters of a century has made the most tree-men- dous progress of any nation on the globe. Everything has grown bigger.” Have Niagara Falls and Yosemite Valley grown bigger?" he asked. “Oh, I don’t know about them— they're natural resources, you know, and don't amount to much. But it is in mechanical invention that our progress has been most wonderful. Look at our electric lights, our trolley steamboats and automobiles! Look at our advance in railroading! Why, comet alive, we can go from New York to San Francisco in four days.”” Such speed has its advantages, sniffed the jaded traveler. “For in- said cars, our NEA ees stance, when you are going very you can miss all the scenery.”’ " Seventy-five years ago America had no apartment houses,”’ I continued, still hoping to make an impression, “ and look at ‘em now! Due to the vast progress in engincering, a twenty-story building can be planned, built and filled with a thousand young couples all in the space of six weeks! Think of it! A thousatnd young couples meet on the first of May—they love each other— they pair off and become engaged—an architect is consulted—apartment house planned and riveted together—and the thousand young couples have married and settled down to kitchenette house- keeping before the middle of June! Is this not a marvel of engincering skill * Perhaps,”” growled the comet. “ But in such artificial surroundings where will those young couples raise their off- spring when they arrive?” “ Ofispring!"" I snapped. “ Who men- tioned offspring? I was talking about artment hotels.” “And what of your financiers? I sup. pose, like the other features you men- tion, they are also the greatest in the universe.” “I was going to avoid that subject,” I admitted, “but since you bring it up I confess our millionaires have kept pace with the country in its mar-r-rvelous growth. These men are living monu- ments to American energy. They never sleep. Kept in constant telegraphic communication with all the markets of the world, they sit in their solid gold offices on the top of tall, upright build- ings——"" “This makes them tall, upright finan- ciers, no doubt? *’ whistled the comet. “Er—doubtless—but let us talk of more abstract things,"’ I stuttered blush: ing slightly. “Let us touch on our purely scientific achievements, Do you remember the North Pole?" The comet threw off a vapor of deadly cyanogen. “There, there,” he sighed, “I sup- pose you're going to announce its dis covery. Please don't. Such subjects bore me. All the little planets along my route have poles, too, which they all discover sooner or later and set up a dreadful crowing. It’s like a baby dis- covering his big toc for the first time— pleasant for the child, but unstimulating to mature minds." I tried to think of some more agree- able topic. “T hope you'll say a few words about the unequaled prosperity of our coun- try,” [ ventured. “Why should 1? fast I'm not running for Congress,"” he hissed. “ What evi- dence have you that the United States are more prosperous than ever before?" “It is patent on every hand," I cried with ringing tones, “Look at the in- creased prices we pay for what we eat and wear. Are these not evidences of wealth? Such prices impart to us a sort of subtle flattery. If these are rich man’s prices, are we not being treated like rich men wherever we go? It tickled our ego to be charged $15 for a dinner worth 87 cents, because we know the proprietor is too fine a gentleman to present us a reduced bill and thus re- mind us of our poverty.” “Such tact!’ muttered the sparkling stranger. “And so down the social scale, The common laborer, glad to know that he is burning the same grade of fuel “as Chauncey M. Depew, eagerly pays $11 a ton for coal which cost $5 a few years ago. He is wild with joy to note the increase in beef and canned goods; and the glad hope thrills him that some day his grocery Dill will not be surpassed by the finest in the land. Pierpont Mor- gan is not the only American rich enough to indulge his taste for antiques. O'Brien, the truckman, can buy a few eggs himself.” The heart of democracy—an equal opportunity for all,”’ lisped the comet. “Since the cost of living has advanced, how about the cost of dying? Has that advanced, too?’* “In the history of mankind killing people has never been more expensive. Battleships have gone up this week to $11,000,000 apiece. Experts have fig ured it out that in case of battle it will cost the government in explosives alone $19.50 for every man killed “This makes heroism another pro- hibitive luxury,"” said the burning one with a sneer. “ But see what a science murder has become along us,’’ said I, “Oho! growled the comet. “ Don't talk to me of science. Among the fixed stars the scientific fad went out about 110,000 years ago. The best people among our first magnitude stars are go- ing back to nature everywhere in the universe. The most aristocratic place I know of isa little pink planet southeast of Vega. There resides a tribe of three- legged persons. who promptly murder their inventors, playwrights and_finan- ciers as soon as they are born. There- fore, they live in peace, having neither art, wealth nor luxury.”” “They must be very ignorant."’ “In the American sense, yes. But (Continued on page 855) comicbooks.com