Life — February 21, 1907 — page 24: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

C1S§ORS AVI, Ny A GLIMPSE INTO THE FUTURE Perhaps in 1 Though fogies sneer and scoff, ‘The nations will accredit Ambassadors to Golf. Ambassadors to Tent In Washington will tent, And Ministers to Football Credentials will present, Charges d’A aires of Baseball Will cach make stately bow, While high Envoys to Boxing Will show the nations bow, Ambassadors to Running In high-flown terms will josh; And all will be located As near the Court of Squash. —The Forecaster. ‘THOSE PUZZLED PORKERS “Some time ago," said the traveling man from Little Rock, “1 was horsebacking through the woods in that frontier portion of our State in which the bogs still run wild. with an occasional homeopathic dose of corn to keep them reminded that there are ties that bind them tomankind. In a heavily timbered tract I came upon a big herd of porkers that were behaving in the most remarkable manner. They would run madly in one direction for a hundred yards or so, squealing vigorously and hopefully, then stop, sniff the air, utter a shriek of disappointment and make an equally mad dash at another angle, I watched them some time without being able in the least to fathom the mystery, “Half a mile farther oa I came to a cabin in the woods. An old man sat on an inverted keg beside the doorway, smoking a corn-cob pipe. The quandary of the pigs was still torturing me, £0, a8 soon as we had passed a perfunctory ‘Howdy,’ I said to him: ‘Stranger, I passed a lot of hogs down there in the brush just now that were behaving very strangely, They woukd start and run at full speed in one direction, then stop and take a fresh start some other way. C: in it?? “*Yas, stranger, I reckon I kin,’ he replied in a stage whisper that had characterized his first *Them's my hawgs. I t call 'em upan’ feed ‘em now an’ then, but t'other day I lost m' voice an’ tuck t’ callin’ "em by poundin’ on a tree with a stick. An’ now them d— woodpeckers has got ‘em crazy.'”"—Sat- urday Evening Post. CRAZY es," said the multimillionaire, “I have one ambition.” “And what is that?” asked the reporter. “1 want to stand at the head of the list of taxpayers,"” re- sponded the capitalist ‘Then they knew the Jong struggle for wealth had turned his mind awry.—Philadelphia Ledger. Bs I oS AN AWKWARD RECORD ‘The Earl ef Spencer, who, before be succeeded his father, was Viscount Althorp, confessed, at a recent reunion at Harrow, that one of the most awkward moments of his life occurred while be was a pupil at the great public school. He was present, he said, in the Vaughan Library when the King, then Prince of Wales, visited Harrow. ‘The book in which the minutes of the debating society were recorded was shown to the royal visitor. As fate decreed, the page on which it opened contained this resolution: “That regicide is justifiable, moved by Viscount Althorp.” ‘The boy did not know where to look, but the prince merely smiled, asif it were the most natural thing in the world for a loyal subject to be in favor of making way with the sovereign.— Youth's Companion. “EVEN THE HAIRS OF THY MEAD AkE NUMBERED” A SHREWD TURN When the bottom dropped out of the boom in Kansas a great many years ago, the desire to get rid of the property was as great asit had been to acquire it. One day, a lawyer while traveling along a country road met an old friend of his wearily but happily leading a reluctant cow to- ward town. Inquiry drew out the reply that he had acquired the cow in exchange for a city lot. “And, do you know,” said the new owner of the bovine, laugh- ing, "I just turned a great trick with that old bewhiskered rube. He can't read a word, and in the deed 1 worked off two lots oa him instead of one."—Pacife Monthly, A POSER FOR THE BISHOP Bishop Talbot, for years the “Cowboy Bishop” of Wyoming and Idaho, but now Bishop of Central Pennsylvania, often found himself faced by unusual problems in his life in the pioncer West Here is one of the host of amusing ones described by him in his recently published book of reminiscences, “My People of the Plains”: At the close of one of his meetings a man who was known as the “Colonel” said to him quietly: “*T should like to ask you a few questions, if you do not object.” “*T shall be only too glad to answer them if I can, Colonel Please proceed.’ “*Well, Bishop, do you think my.wife is a good woman ?* “*One of the best I have ever known.’ “*Do you think she isa Christian?’ “If she is not, I should doubt whether any of us could be so considered.” “*Well, now, do you think she will make it?* “*How is that, Colonel?* I asked “*Do you think my wife will get in?* till determined not to appear to divine his meaning, I said: xcuse me, Colonel, but please explain.” ““T simply mean this, Bishop: Do you think that St. Peter will let the old lady pass through the pearly gates?” “*T have not a doubt of it, Colonel.” “*Then you think you can guarantee that she will get in?* “So far as my opinion is worth anything, 1 cannot for a mo- ment question it? “*Well, then, if that is s0, I do not think I shall be confirmed. In fact, I do not see that I need tobe. You see, Bishop, itis just this way: If the old lady gets in and they lock the door agaiast the old man, she will simply raise h—— until she gets me let in. And she’s sure to succeed.” “Tt was in vain that I tried to convince him of the futility of such an argument. His faith in his wife's influence was too strong, to be shaken by anything I could allege."—Harper's, Juoce Hexry McGrwx, of Portland, a prominent attorney of the Oregon bar, was recently fined $150 by Judge Sears at Portland for quoting a line of Shakespeare at the Court. The quotation was “Not poppy nor mandragora, not all the drowsy sirups of the world, shall pass judgment upon me.” The words were hurled at Judge Sears by the irate attorney, and the Court imposed the fine for contempt. This reminds one of the Dublia beldame who had a war of words with Daniel O'Connell, and burst into tears when the Great Liberator, after stigmatizing her as an “isosceles triangle,” called ber a “hypotenuse,” She said he was “no gintleman.”"—Argonaut, A nicycte policeman of the same nationality appeared against a man he had arrested for fast riding. "How fast was he going?” asked the judge. * Pretty fast,” answered the policeman, $ fast as a man can run?” is, your honor, he was going as fast as two min can run.” —Green Bag. MORE CAINE y, in complimenting George Moore oa his description “Esther Waters,” asked him what he thought of Hall Caine’s account of Derby Day. “I heard he tried that,” said Moore, “so I bought the book. ‘You may judge of his accuracy by the fact that he has the horses weighed instead of the jockeys."—Soturday Evening Post. Lire is published every Thursday. $5.00 a year in advance. 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