Life — November 1, 1906 — page 24: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

496 Medical Ministrations AST week I consulted a doctor, My system was soggy of late, My liver was on a vacation, My hair was all leaving my pate. The doctor produced apparatus, Then opened my system with knives, Laid bare kidney, heart and appendix, From which he deduced I had hives. Next, he e 1 to examine The bunch in my head termed a brain, He uttered a loud exclamation, And said, “ You've been thinking again.”” From thence he transferred to my stomach, And pumped till that member was so Then said, “If you wish good digestion, Don't eat, drink or sleep any more. “T don't think your case is alarmin T: again if you sne u'll greatly oblige me g this bill, if you please. J. A, Brandl, Wanting ATAN observed the fashionable mod- ern marriage with undisguised inter- est, but he was by no means carried away. “It is magnificent,” quoth he, “but it isn’t hell.” As to what it might get to be, if it kept on, that, of course, another question, Etiquette for Men EN you enter a surface car in nich the seats are all occupied by ladies, do not make uncomplimentary remarks because none of them offers you her seat. You can, of course, raise your eyebrows and stare at her slightly, but beyond this no real gentleman will betray his chagrin. Jags are no longer en regle in the day- time. No gentleman will carry a jag later than 10 p.m. They should be car- ried in cabs with the feet well out of the window. They are also worn with latch- keys. When carrying one home, care should be taken in getting them upstairs to keep on good terms with the lady of the house by presenting her with hun- dred-dollar bills at frequent intervals, Jags this year have larger heads than usual and colder fect. When not in use, they should be kept on ice. When receiving visits from relatives, it is now quite proper to have every article of your own marked with the price you paid for it. This will save a lot of time answering questions, Reputations are no longer worn in financial circles, although affected by some stray members of the middle class. No gentleman will kiss his wife in public until he has been married at least a year. “YOU, JOHN BULLION, IF YOU DON'T STOP DRIVING FAST OVER THESE THANK-YOU MARMS, YOU'LL BE THE DEATH OF ME!" “M1 THERE! YOU'LL GET RUN OVER” A Slight Hitch TRANGER: Sir, do you remember giving a poor, friendless tramp fifty cents one cold night last winter? Jones: Ido! “Sir, Lam that tramp; that fifty cents was the turning point in my career; with it I got a shave, a shine, a meal and a job. Isaved my money, went to Alaska, made a million dollars and last week I came back to New York to share my millions with you. But, unfortunately, I struck Wall Street before I struck you—and—have you another fifty cents that you could conveniently spare, sir?” Appropriate Dogs R a teacher—Pointer. For a jeweler—Watch. For a detective—Hound. For a Wall Street lamb— Shepherd. For a car-hog—Spitz. For an_explorer— foundland. For a priest—St. Bernard. For a tough—Terrier. For an Irishman—Bull. For a tramp—Setter. For a judge—Bench. Fora college-man—Coach. For a baby—Toy. News comicbooks.com